The Choices We Make

Our lives are full of choices.  What to wear, what to eat, who to be friends with, who to date, what to do with our lives, whether or not to write that next blog post, what to hashtag on twitter, and so forth.  I bet a lot of people wonder whether or not their choices matter.  And while I don't really know for certain, I think they do.

What you do in this life matters.  Because, in the whole scheme of the world, it actually doesn't matter what you do, and for all anyone cares, you could die alone with no friends.  But the people that choose to be good in spite of the fact that, in  a few years, their actions will become obsolete, those, in my mind, are the good people.

My favorite movie quote of all time (it's from Charlie Bartlett) goes like this:
"Charlie, there are more important things in the world than popularity."
"Look, everyone keeps saying that, but the reality is, I'm seventeen, and popularity is pretty damn important to me."
"Charlie, there are more important things."
"Like What!" (shouted)
"Like what you do with that popularity.  Look, I've been around long enough to know that what you do in this life matters."

At my school, a lot of choices have been made, quite recently.  And the choices made by one individual, are not those I would ever make, or can even begin to understand.  Now, I probably don't have the right to weigh in on the topic, being that I'm not really good friends with any of the parties involved in the situation, but I feel like, the whole thing just sucks.  For everyone involved.  And my heart goes out to the person affected by this.  But I don't really know what to do about it, so I'm writing it on the blog.

There is also another important thing we choose in life- what we choose to see.  Because some people choose the glass half-empty, and others choose the glass half-full.  Others choose the glass on mars, and others choose to see real life, what people really feel.  Because a profile picture isn't an accurate representation of what is going on in a person's life.  Contrary to popular opinion.

This week was a bit of a meltdown week for many parties, myself included (sorry Christine if I freaked you out, it wasn't intentional).  There have been shouting fights, yelling, nastiness, and all-out sobbing over locking yourself out of your car and having to get to practice, like RIGHT NOW, or being afraid that no one will ever love you, and screaming over how much homework you have, and how life is unfair.  So, to say it's been a long week, is a bit of an understatement.

Because the reality is, it's been a long year.  I've lost people who were important to me, people who I thought were my true friends.  I've gained a lot of friends too, but hurting kind of sucks more...

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that as a resident of planet Earth, I have to make a lot of choices about, well, everything.  And to choose to see a person in pain, and to help them, is something I consciously do.  Or I like to try to do.   Even if I really hate that person, and really don't want to help them, I've been there.  I've been in the position where you can't do anything but cry because it hurts so much, and you know the hurting isn't going to stop anytime soon.  We've all been there.  And we all know how comforting another person's presence can be.  So just to be there is enough.

I've realized recently that I've done some pretty bad things in my life.  Not like, a drugs and alcohol fueled sex rampage, but I haven't always been the person I am.  And I realize that I don't want to be a good person, and do the right things just to get into heaven, or to be praised for being a good person.

I want to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.  That's the only way to explain it.


"Like the dead sea, you told me I was like the dead sea, you'll never sink when you are with me."

"If it's a friend you need, let it be me, let it be me."

Hearbeat

I can't fall asleep, because my thoughts scream.  I can't be awake, because the world scares me. I Can't listen to music, because it all just makes me so sad.  Why does life have to be so sad? Why is it all so sad?

It feels like there isn't any place that's safe anymore.  Because of all the death in the last year, in the most recent times.  There have been school shootings, first graders killed, moviegoers killed, spectators killed, college kids and guards killed.  And it's different than death.  It's not the same.  Because people have killed a lot this year.  It feels like everywhere there is a masked man waiting with a gun, with a bomb.

I have this one dream that I'm walking down the bottom of the road where I used to live in Boston.  I'm ten, going to the grocery store for my mother.  I turn the corner, and A man is standing there.  He's dressed in all black, hood pulled partially over his face, wearing black aviators.  And then there's a sharp noise, and I feel a sharp pain in my stomach, and I fall, as he runs by me.  There is red, oh so much red it surrounds me.  And a woman is screaming in the background.  And then I look up at the blue sky, and finally, I wake up.

And I feel like, for a lot of people, that's been the year. Or the last two years.  Or even the last ten years.  Because a lot of people have been killed, have died.  And I know death is a part of life, but not like this. Not in this way.

And Nobody can tell me that there are safe places in the world, because it's not true. It's just not.

Because no place is safe anymore.


"I wanted you to know, whenever you are around my heartbeat, my heartbeat.
I wanted you to know whenever you are around, I can't speak, I can't speak."


"Am I still alive, or has my life gone by? I've got to die, I've got to die.
I've got to die."

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser

Last week was my birthday.  In the span of two days, I got a year older, cut my hair and removed those things on my teeth that are called braces, but are really just a clever disguise for little metal things of torture and death (the death was for dramatic emphasis).  And then I looked in the mirror and was just like, woahhh too much transformation for me to handle, I'm going to bed, see you in another year.

I'm a year older, but I don't really feel that much different.  Maybe I should be?  Maybe I should talk to my therapist.  Oh, yeah forgot to tell y'all, I now have a therapist.  My parents are insane.  Like off the deep end into the 130 foot pool called Nemo 33 in Europe.  And yes, that is real.

I'm feeling a tad bit overwhelmed with life today.

Favorite depressing status I've seen on facebook that describes my life and makes me cry with laughter:
"Got up today, Wish I hadn't."

Well that was my attempt at a post. Back to hibernation.



Also, another really sad thing about my life: I just wrote this entire post reading it in a british accent in my mind, and I even got the vowel enunciation right.  I blame Rose Dix.


"Rose, you can't say that on youtube."

Again, british accent.

Laughter is the Best Kind of Music

So, right now I have about oh, five posts that I'm in the process of writing.  I woke up this morning, (I'm on break from from school) and realized I had absolutely nothing planned for the day and decided that I was going to finish ALL of the posts, and then I would be soooo happy!

Then I went and looked at all of these posts, and was just like, why am I such a depressing little monkey?  Because If you've ever listened to me in real life, I do not talk like that.  So after thoroughly going through all my posts which I actually thought were kind of witty, I realized that they all just depressed me.

I've spent most of this break with my friends, and I went to new york for a few days to see my cousins, which was kind of like hanging out with friends, but like closer you know? And I realized that I don't really want to go away for break (which we can't because my little sister doesn't have a break from school) because I've had a pretty good time, even though I'm stuck in crappy Vermont.

So, I'm going to be more thankful for my friends, and my family.  I'm not going to be as depressive, and I'm going to be way more funny on this blog. So deal.

Now I'm going to watch Rose and Rosie videos because I ship them so hard. Plus they are hilarious.  And I love them.

Reasons I love Rose and Rosie:
-they are the only youtubers I watch that love cats almost as much as I do
-Rose's video titles are the best
-they have shock confessions
-Rose can be spontaneously stupid JUST LIKE ME
-challenge le Dix
-they aren't street walkers
-Rosie seems to drink as much tea as I do
-obsessed with chapstick
-Rose looks like keira knightley
-their accents.. I can't even...
-Rose f*cks up punch lines, exactly like me
-they come from a land down under
-Rose thinks baguette is an acceptable answer when asked if she speaks french
- they are the lesbian version of my two friends, Meredith and Maud, and I when we are together
-I just love them