Love, Anonymous

Do you remember the day that I showed up at your door, in the pouring rain?  And of course I was crying, because I always cry, no matter how much I don't want to.
Do you remember what you did? How you took me inside and gave me dry clothes and wrapped me in a blanket and sat me on the couch and told me it was going to be okay, that we'd always be okay, even when I knew it wasn't true?
Do you remember those nights I told you stories that I'd never told anyone before, stories I've still never told anyone?
Do you remember how we looked up at the stars in the cool summer air through the crooked slats in the barn, with straw in our hair?
Do you remember the times we took the canoe out onto the lake, how we looked for salamanders, our still tiny hands searching in the water?
Do you remember the secrets we shared, the tears we had, the unconditional love that only children can share?

Because I miss it all.  More than anything I miss it all.

Do you remember the day I had to say goodbye to you?  How we sat in front of the big green car, trying not to wail, trying not to end it.  Because if we didn't say goodbye, it wouldn't have to be over, right?
We were so foolish, so young, so caught up in how much we loved each other, how much we didn't want it to end.
It was a safety blanket, we were a safety blanket.  The kind that a child can't give up because it's the only thing they've ever known that will never disappoint them.

Unlike their mothers, it won't ignore them.  It won't focus on others.
Unlike their fathers, it won't yell, it isn't possible of hate.
Unlike older brothers, it won't exclude, it isn't jealous.
Unlike younger sisters, the babies they were, it won't cry.

We were so alike.  Our names, our eyes, our families, our age, our birthdays.  We felt like we'd finally found someone who'd understand us, who'd accept us.  
Someone who wouldn't shout, who wouldn't leave.
Someone who would take us out of the rain and dry our tears.

The day I left is still the saddest day I've ever experienced.
Because we had to say goodbye to the only person we loved, in the world.  The only person who finally, finally, finally, understood us.

Isn't it sad, the way we left it?
And sure, I came back.
But it was never the same.
And it never could be.

But I loved you, I loved you so much it hurt.
And I still love you, the way your brown hair fell into your eyes, the dimples when you smiled.  I loved the chicken legs and arms we shared, the tan skin and long fingers.
I loved the hot chocolate you made me, the mud pies you carved my name into.
I loved it all, I'll always love it.

And I'll always miss it.

Love,
Anonymous

Beware

It's the week from hell.  The one I, without fail, know is coming yet somehow manage to not plan accordingly for.  I'm tired, I'm sick.  I have to get onstage in front of a bunch of people in a mere matter of days (as in Thursday) and somehow embody this styrofoam dragon, that at the moment, closely resembles a rotisserie chicken (sorry Nate, thanks for making this thing).  And I'm petrified.  On top of that, I did not do well on my history test, despite having studied for it, religiously, for about a week.  That goes to show my luck.  And I have homework and working out and other freaking people to worry about and it's killing me.  And I have to remember to eat on top of all that.  Life is overwhelming.

I miss the days when everything was so simple.  Nobody pressured you to do things you didn't want to do, and then didn't get mad at you when you didn't do said things.  If I wanted to do those things, I would do them.  Thats it.  And it doesn't mean I don't care about you if I don't want to do those things, it just means I don't want to do those things and that is the END of the discussion.  So you can deal.

I'm beginning to feel the familiar itch of last spring/winter.  Because for a while, I've been pretty good.  No meds, no anxiety attacks, not too many sleepless nights (a manageable amount), no frantic panic, no refusals to listen to anything, no hysterics, for a good few months.  I'm pretty proud of that.  But I'm terrified it's going to start again.  Like, absolutely petrified that I will find myself in the huge hole I was in at the end of the last school year, the one I've almost managed to dig myself out of.  And that this time, I'll let the dirt cover me completely, and unlike last time I won't want to get out.  I'll want to die.

I just hope that day never comes.

"You should beware beware beware."

"Nobody said it'd be easy, they knew it was rough
But, tough luck"

Quotes of the Day

"I like my alien performers dark and sexy as well."-Gabe, best brother ever.

"This is a judgement free zone."-All of the girls who slept over at my house, in reference to all the food we were eating

"Okay, well I'm getting the large.  With whipped cream.  It's been a fat day. Actually a fat week. It's been a fat year."-Christine

Thats it.

Hold On, We're Going Home

Yesterday my advisor, Kerry, asked me whether or not I wanted to drop my physics class because it sucks so much, and I was like, why are you asking me?  Shouldn't there be somebody older handling that?  Fast approaching is the day where I will have to make those kind of decisions for myself on a much larger scale, and I will be so far out of my league it isn't even funny.

Actually, that isn't true.  I've made some decisions, recently, involving a certain aspect of my life that I don't really want to delve into.  But it really sucked and it was the right thing to do, but it still really sucked.  And I've made decisions on friends, food, clothes, classes, standing up for myself and, now that i think about it, I've been pretty independent and making decisions for myself for a really long time.  I mean, I was that kid who made themselves grilled cheese and picked out their own clothes because they didn't want their mother to pick them out for them.  And growing up and making grown up decisions is hard, but it will be really worth it.

But even though life is really hard, lately it feels like it couldn't get any better.  I mean, I still have to worry about college and the SATs and play and my homework, but it just feels like there are all these wonderful and vivacious and just loving people around me, and that for me not to be happy is a crime.  Just a straight up crime.  There's good music to listen to, I have a really comfortable bed, my parents and my siblings love me, I live in the most beautiful place in the world, and my friends like me.  My friends appreciate me.  And yeah, there are the occasional mean girls, and for that matter guys.  But it feels like I have this army of people standing behind me who understand, and who stand up for me.

The people that I cry in front of, give me hugs and then say we're going to get married one day.  They people/brothers that offer to beat up awful people for me.  The girls who I play contact with on our hikes, the girls whose room I spent more time in then my own room in chile.  The people who watch shameless with me, who teach me how to play xbox like a true gamer, who invite me to go on their zombie runs, who give me their hats on plane trips because I express concern about the severe grossness of my hair.  The people who, without fail, let me sit in their room and eat oreos and ask nothing in return.  The people who set off fireworks with me, who let me hold their hands, who sing obnoxiously with me on the chairlift and tell an obscene number of jokes, dirty and otherwise.

I just really want to say thank you.  You have no idea how great my life is because of you, and I have no idea how to show my thanks to you, to the world.  My cheeks hurts from smiling.  Life has never felt even close to this fun before.  I'm having fun, I'm kind of just going with it.  And I can honestly say I've never done that before because I may or may not be a bit of a control freak.

So thanks.  Carry on, and I'll just keep smiling.

There's a spirit in Montana and in your chest, a soul
Oh what a soul 

I love these roads where the houses don't change (and I like you)
Where we can talk like there's something to say (and I like you)