The Chase Is On

Recently, I fell in love with a certain rapper (I shall not divulge HOODIE ALLEN who) and his video The Chase Is On, mostly because a certain actress (i shall also not SOFIA BLACK D'ELIA divulge who) is in it, and they are adorable.  But also because the song holds much more than just a rapper pursuing a pretty girl.  It means so much more to me, because right now,  I'm in the middle of an intense chase. Running up the mountain, biking, the endless strength sessions, the endless road running, and ALL of the schoolwork.  I am chasing a dream, and fighting hard to keep it.  And it's unbelievably scary.  Because while college is still years away (but only two!) the thought of it keeps me up at night, way later than it should.  I am so worried that I won't get into any good colleges, that I will end up going to a terrible school, and I'll have to face my parents, and give me the look I hate, the pity look.  I hate hate hate that look more than anything, except catty girls, which I have more than an amply supply of.

But back to my pursuit.  I am chasing a better version of myself, so close in my reach, so that the working out, and dedication and the hope that I am carrying have all been for something.  Because if they haven't, honestly I would probably lose myself in a world of drugs and alcohol, so that the pain would go away.  I have actually been tempted to do this many times, just to make the pain go away.  But the typical prude I am, I didn't.  Because what would come then?  Getting knocked up, getting aids, or selling myself into prostitution, or even worse, becoming a drug dealer?  That would depress me even more, and I'd probably kill myself.  But I am getting way ahead of myself.  Sometimes I imagine that I am all grown up, in a big house with a loving husband and healthy children.  I am a powerful person, having graduated from a prestigious university, and my children are good people, as are my husband and myself.  We grow old together and are happy.  But what if I don't ever find love, and grow old, having gone to a terrible college, and have no friends and only cats?  So while I may not be, in reality chasing a good husband, theoretically I am.  At least in my mind.  I'm crazy, I know.


"I'll be makin' good on my promises,
Honesty is confidence
Lot of it is missin' but i realize
I could be better than i was
Lighter on my feet
Cookin up this soul when we fire up the beat
Light the fire underneath me, higher when i speak
Like im climbin up a steep tree"- HA




just cause i love it so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZunGEL-jD-Y

Scaredy Cat

I have so much that I don't have the courage to say.  So much I wish I could do, so much i wish I could be.  I hope I can find the courage to share it one day.

"so many things we wanted to say, but could not.  So many things we wanted to do, but did not."

Is a life full of regrets really a life?

What's Important

Every day of my life, I have known that I was loved.  As unfair as the world may seem, or unnavigable or just plain scary, I have always had my parents, brother and sister to count on.  I might not have felt it in all moments of every day, but in the end they were there when it felt like nobody else was.  I suppose I have to credit a lot, maybe even all, of myself to my family.  Whether I choose to admit it or not, I'm a lot like them.  And I love them.  If my house were burning down they would be the things I save, along with the dog and cats.

A lot of people in this world aren't as lucky as I am.  And I am really lucky.  I live in a house, with my family who is relatively normal, and who love me.  I get to go to a private school where I do something I love every single day.  I am healthy, I am safe, I am alive.  Sometimes I lose sight of this, and get extremely mad at my parents for some great injustice.  A lot of people in this world are struggling so hard just to live, that it's almost unfair for me to be complaining about anything.  And I try not to because it's the right thing to do.

Life is surprising.  Many things turn out different than you hope or plan, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  Things I once thought were important to me, such as certain friends, aren't important at all.  But some of my very close friends, some who i've known for ten years (yay anniversary!)  and some for a mere matter of months are near and dear to my heart.  It's important to make friends and family a priority, because even though we all die and we are all relatively alone when we do, it's good to know that you are and were loved.

There is a lot of talk about love, and many smart and eloquent people have tried to define it.  Love means many different things to many different people, and there are all sorts of loves.  My parents love me, so they make me run up mountains.  I love filling a blank page with words.  My brother loves call of duty.  My sister loves pissing others off, and she loves being like me.  The world is filled with people who love, and its sad to me that so many bad things happen here.  At the end of my life, I want to look back and think, I did something.  Which is almost impossible, because when you die, no matter how famous you become, you will be forgotten.  Except by the people who loved you.


"And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how they might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for them"

In the moment

I feel the need to write. Let me rephrase that, when I'm in a soul searching and slightly depressive mood, or I've just seen some weird movie, I feel the need to document.  Maybe one day I'll look back on this writing and think, wow I was pathetic, but for now everybody has a blog, so hell i'm going to have a blog. Anyways, on to the writing part. Sometimes I feel like my classmates look at me as though I'm from a different world, that I'm bossy and maybe even stupid and while they know what's going on in life, I definitely do not.  In these moments, or more often days and weeks, I feel extremely alone.  Then I remind myself that I don't want to be like these people.  I mean, sure I like some of them and some of them are really good people with good hearts, but the majority aren't.  Long ago (more like a year) I decided that people will think what they will think.  People are mean.  It's human nature, and I know that I am mean sometimes, because everybody is at some point.  But I decided, after a particularly long bout of fighting/ bullying by a girl who shares my nickname, that I can't let myself be trampled on by naysayers.  It brings me down, and it worries my mother.  And even though I am sometimes a brat, I really do love her.  Back to my main point.  I decided that I was finally going to stand up for myself, and that even if it put me in a terrible social situation, and make some people dislike me immensely, I was going to be me, and nobody was going to change me.  This revelation was quite helpful.  I don't look in mirrors and hate myself, I don't let other people lead me, and I pick my friends based on the people they are, not the status they carry.  Sure I have bad days, but overall I'm good.  And I try really hard to be good, even if it doesn't always show.  I have all of this to owe, even though I don't really like to admit it, to a bully who shall remain nameless.  So even though I'm sure not many will see this writing, I hope those who do take a good message away.

 Your personality is you.  Your looks and your friends and your status might all be a part of you, but your personality is the most important.  Don't ever let yourself lose it and don't let others try to define it.  Hold it as you would the life of a family member, and don't ever let it fade. Okay, that's my message for the night.

  Do I sound full of wisdom?  I'm really not.  Ask me a question about life and I will probably only give you half an answer.  Still searching for the answers because even though I sometimes like to pretend I'm elderly and learned in the ways of the world, I'm not.

And thus, a journey begins.