Today, I toured Hamilton College, because my brother had to be there for an interview so he, my dad and I drove nine hours round trip to go. It was fun, I slept all the way there in the morning stretched out in the backseat, cocooned in my sleeping bag and three pillows (at this point I travel with an entourage of pillows). I watched Knocked Up on the way back and made far too many dirty jokes with my favorite boys in the world, listened to too much hard rock, had exactly one half of a huge burger and fries, three cups of coffee, and one great experience, one peaceful and no drama experience. It was nice.
But I also fell in love with Hamilton, one of the only colleges I've ever been to besides St. Mikes and UVM, and I mean Harvard, but I was ten so I don't really remember it. It was beautiful, even in the end of January when everything is tinged with dirty snow and a sheen of frost. It was so beautiful and the tour guide was so nice and so cool and so similar to me and I just saw myself on that campus, like I could really picture it. Granted, I haven't toured any others, so I'm not going to declare that I definitively want to go there right now, because I'd like to keep my options open.
But this girl was talking about all her friends and how she always feels surrounded by them, and while the classes and teachers and structure and food and just everything is really great there, its the friends that make the experience, because it is such a community. She was going to Madrid for a semester next fall, and when we asked why she wasn't just going for the whole year, she looked at us as if we were crazy and then said without any hesitation, "I wouldn't ever want to be away from here for that long." Then she smiled and looked right at me and said, "There are some things you just know in life. The moment I drove onto campus for my tour, I knew. I knew this was the place, and hey, I was right! But if I've ever felt that it wasn't the place for me, because, you know, we all have those moments, my friends, the people I love, have reminded me that it certainly is." And she kept smiling at me. I felt so alone in that moment that I almost reached out to grab my dad's hand, something I haven't done in so many years I can't even remember the last time I did it.
But I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me because I realized something-my friends are leaving this year. I mean, not all of them, but like a lot of them. And I know I said I've been worrying about it because, hello, its me, but this was the first time the realization truly and really hit me, and I wanted to open up a hole in the ground and just crawl into it and just not come out until my life was over, when I'd go into a different hole in the ground.
I mean I don't know where to start. What am I going to do without Ellie's louder than life presence (and for that matter her jokes, even the dead baby ones), or Eklutna's mostly sunny and just plain loving and fun attitude? What will I do without Maggie's kind smile or Alexa's infectious energy? Who am I going to go to on a friday night and watch play GTA or beat lego batman with if Gabe isn't here? Who will I have ridiculous conversations about beer funnels if Geoff is gone, who will I fight with then? Who will I talk to in the library if the familiar cluster of senior faces aren't there? The faces who don't mind that I'm a junior, and who want to hear what I have to say? What about when Liezl is gone, who will I have to have girls weekends, disney marathons with, complain to, whose smile will I look forward to seeing? Who will be my favorite sarcastic persona and all around perfect person when Lexi is gone? And Sammi. When she is gone, I honestly don't know what I am going to do. I think she and Kara are my oldest and longest GMVS friends. There are those people who you meet along the way, and then there are those who have made you into the person you are. Sammi is the latter. She has always, always always always been there for me, whether it was with oreos or late night assurances that life is worth it, or paying for literally every single coffee roasters trip or showing me what it is to truly love something in this life so much it hurts. What am I possibly going to do without her, without any of these damn people? Who will I even be?
All I can say is thank god for Christine and basically just her presence that makes me feel so much better and who doesn't even know how much I appreciate that she doesn't let me bullshit her like ever. My sort of new friend Becca and her promises to spray me with a "Positive" spray bottle and who rages all night. Kara and all the laughs we've ever had, and no doubt the many more we have to come, Kara and her quiet but extremely steady personality who has always, in a sense, protected me. And everybody else I love, but this post is getting kind of really sentimental and nostalgic and I feel a bit like I am about to bawl my eyes, so I'm going to stop naming all the beautiful and truly wonderful things every single person I've ever loved on this whole goddamn planet has ever done to me, for me.
And I'm always going to remember these things because these aren't the kind of people you forget, these are the people you invite to your wedding, these are the people you think about fifty years later and still smile over. These are the people that have saved your life from being pure misery and these are the people you would die for, the people you love so damn much it hurts. The people who've taught you how to love that much.
I am really going to miss you goons.
"you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is you give it all you have"
"I’ll put your poison in my veins, they say the best love is insane"
Friday, January 31, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Landfill
Its the first day. The first day of her life, of this new life, different from the one where you and Gabe were the only ones who matter, where yogurt trips come first and Lotus comes second. This is the day she will be here, the one you named. She will come in, red-faced, purple, and swaddled in white. And your mother will hold her close on the big white bed, and you'll look at her and give her a purple elephant, purple to match her. And you'll be scared.
And life goes on. This new life, where Mama is not there, where you can hear your once-resilient mother crying in the other room. Where the baby cries upstairs and Brona takes care of her and Julia picks you up and takes you away from the house that was once filled with happiness.
You cling to Gabe, cling to the life you once had. You hope by clinging it will get better.
Your Mama stops crying and Brona leaves and when Julia comes, she picks you up but doesn't leave the house. And your daddy breaks the stove, but he tells you he loves you and that you are going on an adventure, and you pack up and leave. And you go to Vermont because thats what your daddy told you to do.
The crying baby has become a crying girl, a hateful girl who throws and hits and kicks. You hope she will get better. Your father, no longer daddy, says she will get better. Mama says she will get better. But the big brown eyes of your brother say something different. You hold on to her, you want her to love you the way you love her, a love that transcends this world and goes beyond reason, a love you don't understand and never will.
As she grows bigger and you grow bigger she changes. The kicks, the hits, the bites become words. And the words hurt more than the kicks ever did. And still she grows and they hurt more and for once, you want to fight back, to explain to her that she can't, because you want her to be liked, you want her to be untouched by the world. You want there to be a blanket of clouds around her and never have the world hurt her the way its hurt you.
You fight back when she spears you. And you hear the all too familiar "Why can't you get along?" "Why can't you two be friends." "Why don't you love your sister?" And you scream, and scream, scream that you love her, that you've always loved her, that all you've ever done is love her, but nobody hears because your screaming has turned into tears on a pillow in the dead of night, quiet as a mouse.
She grows even bigger and more venomous with each day. And you try so hard to explain why she mustn't do those things anymore, why she will get hurt if she does. And she doesn't listen because she never listens because she is who she is and you shouldn't try to change her. And you want her to change, because you love her so much, because you want her to always be the baby with the purple elephant, the one who came into this world purple and red all over, the one who hadn't been hurt yet.
People talk to you about her. They whisper, they joke. Their words hurt, just like she does, but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that eats away at you like a hot iron fire poker. And you laugh and you smile and you pretend everything is alright, because thats all you've ever done; pretend everything is alright when inside you are drowning. You never tell anyone how much it hurts when they say those things about the girl you love so much. Who would it help if you said those hurtful things that bubbled in your mind? Then you would be no better than her, when she hurts you.
And despite all these things, you know you are hurting her as well. And you've tried so hard not to. You know she hates you and it kills you inside, and every day it eats away at you more and more until you feel as though you've been swallowed whole by a whale.
You hope this isn't the end. But you know it is. And you think back on the whole thing and you wish she'd listened to you because you wanted to keep her safe, to shrink her and put her in your pocket and never let her leave. You wanted her to believe in Santa Claus forever because she would have been so happy and her being happy is all you've ever dreamed of.
And the life ahead of her scares you, whats in store for her scares you. Because you will be gone in a year and a half, and then she won't have you, even though she doesn't want you now. And all you've ever wanted is her to want you.
And still she hurts you. Her life hurts you, her actions and failures and sadnesses gouge deep wounds into you.
The words she has become so accustomed to slinging at you. They hurt, a hurt that is now deep and old and familiar.
And still you love her. What else could you do?
"'Cause this is torturous electricity
Between both of us and this is
Dangerous 'cause I love you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you"
And life goes on. This new life, where Mama is not there, where you can hear your once-resilient mother crying in the other room. Where the baby cries upstairs and Brona takes care of her and Julia picks you up and takes you away from the house that was once filled with happiness.
You cling to Gabe, cling to the life you once had. You hope by clinging it will get better.
Your Mama stops crying and Brona leaves and when Julia comes, she picks you up but doesn't leave the house. And your daddy breaks the stove, but he tells you he loves you and that you are going on an adventure, and you pack up and leave. And you go to Vermont because thats what your daddy told you to do.
The crying baby has become a crying girl, a hateful girl who throws and hits and kicks. You hope she will get better. Your father, no longer daddy, says she will get better. Mama says she will get better. But the big brown eyes of your brother say something different. You hold on to her, you want her to love you the way you love her, a love that transcends this world and goes beyond reason, a love you don't understand and never will.
As she grows bigger and you grow bigger she changes. The kicks, the hits, the bites become words. And the words hurt more than the kicks ever did. And still she grows and they hurt more and for once, you want to fight back, to explain to her that she can't, because you want her to be liked, you want her to be untouched by the world. You want there to be a blanket of clouds around her and never have the world hurt her the way its hurt you.
You fight back when she spears you. And you hear the all too familiar "Why can't you get along?" "Why can't you two be friends." "Why don't you love your sister?" And you scream, and scream, scream that you love her, that you've always loved her, that all you've ever done is love her, but nobody hears because your screaming has turned into tears on a pillow in the dead of night, quiet as a mouse.
She grows even bigger and more venomous with each day. And you try so hard to explain why she mustn't do those things anymore, why she will get hurt if she does. And she doesn't listen because she never listens because she is who she is and you shouldn't try to change her. And you want her to change, because you love her so much, because you want her to always be the baby with the purple elephant, the one who came into this world purple and red all over, the one who hadn't been hurt yet.
People talk to you about her. They whisper, they joke. Their words hurt, just like she does, but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that eats away at you like a hot iron fire poker. And you laugh and you smile and you pretend everything is alright, because thats all you've ever done; pretend everything is alright when inside you are drowning. You never tell anyone how much it hurts when they say those things about the girl you love so much. Who would it help if you said those hurtful things that bubbled in your mind? Then you would be no better than her, when she hurts you.
And despite all these things, you know you are hurting her as well. And you've tried so hard not to. You know she hates you and it kills you inside, and every day it eats away at you more and more until you feel as though you've been swallowed whole by a whale.
You hope this isn't the end. But you know it is. And you think back on the whole thing and you wish she'd listened to you because you wanted to keep her safe, to shrink her and put her in your pocket and never let her leave. You wanted her to believe in Santa Claus forever because she would have been so happy and her being happy is all you've ever dreamed of.
And the life ahead of her scares you, whats in store for her scares you. Because you will be gone in a year and a half, and then she won't have you, even though she doesn't want you now. And all you've ever wanted is her to want you.
And still she hurts you. Her life hurts you, her actions and failures and sadnesses gouge deep wounds into you.
The words she has become so accustomed to slinging at you. They hurt, a hurt that is now deep and old and familiar.
And still you love her. What else could you do?
"'Cause this is torturous electricity
Between both of us and this is
Dangerous 'cause I love you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you"
Thursday, January 16, 2014
No 1. Party Anthem
It's an ok week. Sammi and I discussed this on the chairlift, how nothing was superb, but nothing was truly awful, and it really hasn't been truly awful for a while, which is really good because it gives me hope for the future that is every day getting closer. It's been peaceful, these past few weeks. I've been bathing in that warm glow that accompanies ok times. Occasionally the bubble will falter a little, and the gold that shimmers around me will have a bit more of a dingy shine, and then the bubble will close once again, and my existence will be righted.
A lot of this has to do with the love I'm feeling. It's been a few weeks of love (or Whole Love, as Wilco so elegantly put it, damn them), a few weeks of easy times and good food and good people. Sure, there's homework and SATs and skiing and the alarmingly small amount of snow that is rapidly fading here in Vermont, but there are always unsavory things in one's life that remind them how good the good things are. I've felt the urge to write much more, and the words just seem to flow onto the paper. As I said, good times people, good times.
Anyways this golden bubble I've been captured in has, in it's own convoluted and muddled way, given way to a few realizations. The first, and most important being that I am too self-involved in myself to get involved in another person. Watching someone get involved with someone else, watching them falling in love, is actually awesome. It just gives you so much hope about everything. But, there's no way in hell, at this particular juncture in my life, that I could do that. Sure, I know that I love my friends and I love my family and all the people that help me get through the day, but I'm not in love with any of them, and there is no way that I could be. This seems totally, totally egocentric doesn't it. Okay, well bear with me.
This fact really doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I'm young, I have an entire life ahead of me and love isn't exactly something I need to be worrying about right now, i mean, like isn't even something I need to worry about. And sure, my friends boyfriend will once in a while do something that I can't help feeling jealous of. I'm human people, give me a break here. But on the whole, i feel like other people just complicate things in a way that can never be fully righted.
Moreover, isn't it just safer and more beneficial to one's health to stay away from love? I mean, when one of my friends was first in love, she forgot to eat for like a full week. Just completely forgot. Her head was completely in the clouds, far far away from reality. That's absolutely petrifying for me. I can't trust other people, I can't ever tell other people how I really feel, and for the most part I don't want to.
The analogy I have is this. It's super easy to cry when your alone on the chairlift and are just having a super shitty week right? But it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to cry in front of other people. Like that time I cried to Toby, I had been having just about the worst day of my life, and on top of that, I had to worry about my little sister and her feelings and her eating habits. It was too much for me, and so when he asked me how I was, I just dissolved into tears. I had no control over it. At all. But after that, I was really worried that he would think I was weak or unworthy or whatever, and he didn't. Of course, I'd been overreacting as I am so frequently known to do. That isn't the point.
The point is that my first reaction, after being completely vulnerable and open in front of someone, was fright. I was genuinely afraid and upset that he had seen me in that state, because I don't like being vulnerable in front of other people. Vulnerability is a word I make a point to stay far, far away from. This is because I'm petrified of showing myself to someone else, because when people put things in others trust, those things most likely get ruined, or ripped or stained. And that isn't something I'm comfortable with. At least not yet.
"Alone we stand, together we fall apart."
"Now you're all alone, wondering where the 'she left already' are now."
A lot of this has to do with the love I'm feeling. It's been a few weeks of love (or Whole Love, as Wilco so elegantly put it, damn them), a few weeks of easy times and good food and good people. Sure, there's homework and SATs and skiing and the alarmingly small amount of snow that is rapidly fading here in Vermont, but there are always unsavory things in one's life that remind them how good the good things are. I've felt the urge to write much more, and the words just seem to flow onto the paper. As I said, good times people, good times.
Anyways this golden bubble I've been captured in has, in it's own convoluted and muddled way, given way to a few realizations. The first, and most important being that I am too self-involved in myself to get involved in another person. Watching someone get involved with someone else, watching them falling in love, is actually awesome. It just gives you so much hope about everything. But, there's no way in hell, at this particular juncture in my life, that I could do that. Sure, I know that I love my friends and I love my family and all the people that help me get through the day, but I'm not in love with any of them, and there is no way that I could be. This seems totally, totally egocentric doesn't it. Okay, well bear with me.
This fact really doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I'm young, I have an entire life ahead of me and love isn't exactly something I need to be worrying about right now, i mean, like isn't even something I need to worry about. And sure, my friends boyfriend will once in a while do something that I can't help feeling jealous of. I'm human people, give me a break here. But on the whole, i feel like other people just complicate things in a way that can never be fully righted.
Moreover, isn't it just safer and more beneficial to one's health to stay away from love? I mean, when one of my friends was first in love, she forgot to eat for like a full week. Just completely forgot. Her head was completely in the clouds, far far away from reality. That's absolutely petrifying for me. I can't trust other people, I can't ever tell other people how I really feel, and for the most part I don't want to.
The analogy I have is this. It's super easy to cry when your alone on the chairlift and are just having a super shitty week right? But it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to cry in front of other people. Like that time I cried to Toby, I had been having just about the worst day of my life, and on top of that, I had to worry about my little sister and her feelings and her eating habits. It was too much for me, and so when he asked me how I was, I just dissolved into tears. I had no control over it. At all. But after that, I was really worried that he would think I was weak or unworthy or whatever, and he didn't. Of course, I'd been overreacting as I am so frequently known to do. That isn't the point.
The point is that my first reaction, after being completely vulnerable and open in front of someone, was fright. I was genuinely afraid and upset that he had seen me in that state, because I don't like being vulnerable in front of other people. Vulnerability is a word I make a point to stay far, far away from. This is because I'm petrified of showing myself to someone else, because when people put things in others trust, those things most likely get ruined, or ripped or stained. And that isn't something I'm comfortable with. At least not yet.
"Alone we stand, together we fall apart."
"Now you're all alone, wondering where the 'she left already' are now."
Monday, January 13, 2014
Dining With The Doctor: Adventures in Being a Teenager (2013 edition)
Today I found a cookbook on Amazon while I was searching for Their Eyes Were Watching God. It was called Dining with the Doctor, and it was all Doctor Who recipes and I laughed for about ten straight minutes.
To demonstrate the vocab word we had, Kara fake/real tripped and fell over clawing at the ground. I said, "You went full trip man, you never go full trip." And she said, "That was the only time it was ever acceptable to go full trip." And we both used Robert Downey Junior's accent from Tropic Thunder and then couldn't stop laughing.
In French class, we were playing charades and someone got Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So to show the word "charlie" Eklutna pointed at new dorm, stuck her hand in her pants and swaggered around, and then made out with the air, and I smiled and shyly said, "It's Charlie." And Gaby pointed at me and tapped her finger on her nose and then went, "Your good." And then the whole room burst into laughter.
In another French class Eklutna took my phone and started taking pictures and to this day I have a picture of Chris Jones duckfacing and chucking up the deuces like he was born to do it. I think it's my favorite picture ever, and I will always keep it. There is also one of Jay giving the camera a cross eyed tongue out face.
Confession: I stayed up until about five am on New Years watching American Horror Story with a bunch of people in my basement. I also burned my pants on fireworks.
One day Meredith and I had to walk back from Warren Falls and then we started walking up Fuller hill and then sat down in the grass on the side of the road and she said that i had a promising future as a "Road Hussy" and I hit her with a tree branch and she said she loved me.
Once I was so scared of Sam Jackson that I didn't say when I knew the right answer because he was shooting death flames from his eyes. And then everyone said nothing and he got even madder and I just about peed my pants.
My drivers Ed teacher once yelled at us, slammed his fist against the blackboard screaming profanities and then walked out into the hall, where his wife had to go comfort him. I don't think I've ever had to suppress the urge to laugh as much, because he got so mad about a discussion on seatbelts. It was too much for me to bear and I giggled. Kara hit me with her notebook and then started laughing.
When we were practicing SATs, the sentence told us some information and I told my tutor I didn't care if the dude was a painter, as long as he could do my taxes we were good. And she told me I was going to go places in life.
When I asked Sammi if I could ask her a question and she said "yes love" and I turned to jelly from cuteness overload. I forgot the question too.
Once when I was babysitting Ansley, I had to go in and give her another pacifier because she sleeps with two, and she grabbed the pacifier, clutched it in her hands and looked at me wide-eyed and said, "BINKY" and fell straight asleep and I almost woke her up from laughing.
Gabe tried to be a rapper and put only one hand on the top of the care wheel while sagging his pants and singing along with the rap song. This is the same Gabe that stole the brownies, and crouched over them on top of the table like golem.
And so I guess 2013 is really gone and I guess it was pretty awesome. Happy (super belated) New Year interwebs.
"And I know that I won't be
The easiest to set free
And I know that I won't been the last"
To demonstrate the vocab word we had, Kara fake/real tripped and fell over clawing at the ground. I said, "You went full trip man, you never go full trip." And she said, "That was the only time it was ever acceptable to go full trip." And we both used Robert Downey Junior's accent from Tropic Thunder and then couldn't stop laughing.
In French class, we were playing charades and someone got Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. So to show the word "charlie" Eklutna pointed at new dorm, stuck her hand in her pants and swaggered around, and then made out with the air, and I smiled and shyly said, "It's Charlie." And Gaby pointed at me and tapped her finger on her nose and then went, "Your good." And then the whole room burst into laughter.
In another French class Eklutna took my phone and started taking pictures and to this day I have a picture of Chris Jones duckfacing and chucking up the deuces like he was born to do it. I think it's my favorite picture ever, and I will always keep it. There is also one of Jay giving the camera a cross eyed tongue out face.
Confession: I stayed up until about five am on New Years watching American Horror Story with a bunch of people in my basement. I also burned my pants on fireworks.
One day Meredith and I had to walk back from Warren Falls and then we started walking up Fuller hill and then sat down in the grass on the side of the road and she said that i had a promising future as a "Road Hussy" and I hit her with a tree branch and she said she loved me.
Once I was so scared of Sam Jackson that I didn't say when I knew the right answer because he was shooting death flames from his eyes. And then everyone said nothing and he got even madder and I just about peed my pants.
My drivers Ed teacher once yelled at us, slammed his fist against the blackboard screaming profanities and then walked out into the hall, where his wife had to go comfort him. I don't think I've ever had to suppress the urge to laugh as much, because he got so mad about a discussion on seatbelts. It was too much for me to bear and I giggled. Kara hit me with her notebook and then started laughing.
When we were practicing SATs, the sentence told us some information and I told my tutor I didn't care if the dude was a painter, as long as he could do my taxes we were good. And she told me I was going to go places in life.
When I asked Sammi if I could ask her a question and she said "yes love" and I turned to jelly from cuteness overload. I forgot the question too.
Once when I was babysitting Ansley, I had to go in and give her another pacifier because she sleeps with two, and she grabbed the pacifier, clutched it in her hands and looked at me wide-eyed and said, "BINKY" and fell straight asleep and I almost woke her up from laughing.
Gabe tried to be a rapper and put only one hand on the top of the care wheel while sagging his pants and singing along with the rap song. This is the same Gabe that stole the brownies, and crouched over them on top of the table like golem.
And so I guess 2013 is really gone and I guess it was pretty awesome. Happy (super belated) New Year interwebs.
"And I know that I won't be
The easiest to set free
And I know that I won't been the last"
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Quotes of the Week
"Rosen, you just need to grow some lady balls."-Chris, during training
"Its a bit nipply out today."
"Nipply isn't a word! It's nippy! Nipply is talking about nipples."
"Well, considering I told Nana it was nipply out... Awkward."- A cousin who shall remain nameless.
"Ooh, big word Mims!"
"Considering it was used in the wrong context, that statement should more accurately say, 'Ooh the big word used in a totally wrong fashion and which was intended to make you look smarter has in fact done the opposite, Mims!-Toby
"You are an unruly child and therefore I shall be giving them a house gift for keeping you because it creates such a great burden. Don't forget to print your music. Also I love you."-My mother (in reference to the fact that I'm staying at Ellie's this weekend before a race).
"Its a bit nipply out today."
"Nipply isn't a word! It's nippy! Nipply is talking about nipples."
"Well, considering I told Nana it was nipply out... Awkward."- A cousin who shall remain nameless.
"Ooh, big word Mims!"
"Considering it was used in the wrong context, that statement should more accurately say, 'Ooh the big word used in a totally wrong fashion and which was intended to make you look smarter has in fact done the opposite, Mims!-Toby
"You are an unruly child and therefore I shall be giving them a house gift for keeping you because it creates such a great burden. Don't forget to print your music. Also I love you."-My mother (in reference to the fact that I'm staying at Ellie's this weekend before a race).
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