start slow

The world is crashing down around me, bit by bit. It seems as though just last week I could've thrown my arms out to the sky in gratitude, and this week all I can do is cry. Life is a terrible experiment.  It seems as though everyone and everything is working against me, trying to make sure I fall.  Homework is piling up, I'm scrambling with play, I don't get any sleep, I worry about college, and I have to fight to even be put in the field in soccer. On top of that, a storm is brewing within my family, and it seems as though they hate me.  People are being mean, including teachers, and life is just too much for me. The blows are coming harder and faster. They're digging deeper, and i can tell you it really hurts. 

But. Still. I look around, thankful to live in the beautiful place I do. Thankful that I will most likely make it out of this rather large hole. But. Still. It's a big hole. 

Hopefully I can find a large shovel.

"all I know is pouring rain, and everything  has changed."

Ride

         Recently listening to some soulful sadness queens of music, I had a revelation.  I have a whole life ahead of me, a whole life that will be full of adventure and friends, and living between the lines.  A whole life, that I can just live.  This excites me beyond belief, I will finally be totally independent, and I can be fantastic.  But it also terrifies me.  What if I can't pay the bills, or life isn't as exciting as I think it will be?  What If i really miss my parents, or my old house?  What if I never find somebody that i truly love, what if i dies, and nobody misses me?   The reality is, I don't know what is going to happen to me.  And if it turns out bad, I can change. As lady gaga would say, "If life gives you lemons, make a dress."  I'm a strong person, and I am incredibly stubborn.

I'm willing to fail a few times to make a really beautiful picture.  I think outside the box,  I use my words and I observe.  I love life passionately and I hate life passionately.  I accept those who love differently and I recognize that I am one who is different.  I realize that there will be those who say you can't, and don't do it for them, you just have to do it. I know that no matter where we come from, we are all of the same love. I know I'm just a baby, trying to understand.

One day, i'll know the end of my story. Until then, i'll be riding.

"I hear the birds on the summer breeze
i drive fast, i am alone in the night
been tryin hard not to get into trouble
but i, i've got a war on my mind.
so I just ride."

Ronan

Everyone dies.  It's sad to think about, but in the end, we all close our eyes and drift off.  Lately, it seems as though many people have been dying, people I know, and people I don't know.  Megan Ives, a stratton girl when I was in chile and right across the hall.  Jack Burfoot, a boy I've known since we moved here.  And even though it was a few years ago, Michael Mckenna, my friends father.  Two from cancer, one from unexplained causes, there will be an autopsy soon.  I want to talk about these things, I want to express myself, I want to find a way to make it up to these people, but I can't.  I can't find the words to say how scared this makes me, how scared I am of life.  I can;t find the words to say sorry to everyone who knew these people, their families and friends, I can't find the words to say goodbye, I can't find the ways to say goodbye.

This I do know.  Everything I do, I want to do it better for these kids, for this man.  These people won't get  to watch their kids grow up, some were just kids themselves.  They will only witness a few sunsets, a few sunrises, and a few short years of life.  I want to do everything better for these people, because they can't do it for themselves, they can't reach their goals, their hopes and dreams. I'll be damned if I can't, for them.  And If I die soon, or when I do die, at least people will know I tried for these people, I tried to do something about it, even if I didn't succeed.  Hopefully I'll be missed.

Goodbye, you will forever be missed and loved.

"Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away, from here.
I love you to the moon and back."