So, Maybe You Were Right

Yesterday, as my brother and I were getting home from some last minute christmas shopping, because we'd done exactly zero, and the little that we had just finished amounted to a grand total of half an hour, he told me I should write about him on my blog more.  I, of course, forgetting that the internet is a big and open place, merely looked at him in stunned silence and said, "How did you know about my blog?" and he was all like, "well it isn't exactly hard to find ya know." And then I felt like a bit of an idiot as I so rarely do.

But he's probably right, as he so frequently is in his quiet and kind way. So, Gabriel, you were right. Thank you for bringing to my attention this grave misstep on my part. A thousand pardons.  And, this one's all for you brother.

I think I've probably loved you since day one.  Well maybe not day one of my existence, I was probably a bit frightened of your disproportionately large head and small body and those big blue eyes you had.  But, day one of consciousness.  The first memory I have is of going to see Sophie in the hospital, and bringing her that purple elephant, the one Erin helped me pick out.  Erin held one of my hands, and you held the other, and I was so, so scared of the little tiny alien on that white hospital bed who had taken our mother away for a few days.  But you were there.  And I was okay.

You were the first friend I ever had.  I longed to be exactly like you, with your skill at legos and lincoln logs, your talent for making our mother love you, and for coming up with the best game ideas.  Did I ever tell you about the time Kai and I made a list (full disclosure, it was a bunch of scribbles because we didn't know how to write) of the ways we wanted to be like you and Jon Luc?  And then the time you swallowed the marble? That was the first time I've ever remembered being pissed at you, because I had to miss my ballet class, and that obviously meant that my talent for dancing was being squandered on taking you to the emergency room.  Remember Julia and Erin?  How much fun we had with them, even when we went back to visit?  I loved going to the yogurt store, the bagel store, the toy store, with you and them and Jon Luc and Kai.  Remember the tricks you and Chris used to play on Emma and I?  Remember the greenhouse, the overgrown one right next to our purple house, how we used to go in there and pretend we were pokemon.

And the first day we were in Vermont, the first day of the Warren School.  Do you remember how scared we both were?  But, we still got out of the car, clutching our backpacks, and walked in holding Mom's hand, like we were fearless.  Remember beyblades and Yu-gi-oh and dragon tales?  Do you remember my special painted chair and how when you sat in it I would get mad, but secretly I hoped some of your coolness would rub off onto the chair and then onto me.  Remember the birthday party when we got to paint wooden swords and shields and fend each other off around the purple house?

Do you remember when we went to Florida, how we played volleyball in that pool everyday with Sophie, lifting her over the net because she was too small?  Remember Atlantis and how you wouldn't go down the big slide that went through the shark tank until I had?  Do you remember the first day at Mad River, when we got those french fries and smiled at each other?  Remember two summers ago? How much of a mess that rafting trip was?  But the only time I was happy was when I was in one of those two person rafts with you.

All the best car rides have been with you.  All the best music jam sessions and spontaneous dancing and best food belong to you.  The best laughs, scariest movies and TV shows, skitching and fireworks are yours.  You were my first friend, the one I wanted to be so badly.  You were the one who taught me so much, who still shows me up.  Your the one I still look up to, the one I still wish I could be.  I've always felt like its been the two of us, always the two of us, the one I can count on to pull me out of bitch mode, the one who makes our family laugh, who keeps us all sane. You are the glue. And of course we fight because people fight.  But at the end of the day I'd still rather be telling you my results and having you make a joke out me falling at literally every single race, than anywhere else.

Thank you, for teaching me how to be a good friend, and an even better person.  Thank you for making me laugh, and continuing to inspire and teach me.  I love you, whether or not I tell you enough, and I promise I'll write more about you on this blog.  Happy?

On another, unrelated note, Merry Christmas eve! I was woken up this morning with a text from Kara, telling me ITS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! Because yesterday I woke her up saying, ITS CHRISTMAS EVE EVE! We are a little excited.  

Be thankful for the family and friends you have. I know I am. Merry Christmas.

"Come to me, clear and cold 
On some sea
Watch the world spinning waves
Like that machine"

"Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?

We'll never tell"

If Wishes were Fishes

Some Things Can't Just Happen
I wish to be obsolete so that I can watch all the birds and beautiful people float by.  They'll tip their hats at me as they go, smiling and waving hello.

I wish I was somewhere other than here, somewhere the stars surround me, somewhere the sun will rise and fall just for me.

I wish the voices in my head would go on vacation and let me think, for once.

I wish I was with you, up in the clouds where words don't sting as much
and the people are all peculiar.

Where we could be surrounded by cotton candy and sheep are counted.

I wish wishes were fishes.

But if wishes were like fishes, common and usual
then would they be wishes anymore?
Or would they become obsolete
Just as I hope to be.

Laika Come Home
Laika come back down to earth
Laika don't fly so close to the sun
Laika you'll surely be burned
Laika you'll surely be knocked down
Laika come home
Laika, please come home

24 Hours of Happy

All in all, it's been a pretty good week. Stuff is really starting to make sense, whether it's in SAT tutoring, schoolwork, and skiing (scratching the fantastic fail that was this weekend- thats right, blowouts on both runs) seem to finally be going somewhere which is not something I tend to say often.

But I like being back at school again because I get to see all the people who are going to leave me in a matter of a few months (i'm talking about the seniors).  And while this prospect saddens and scares me beyond belief, it makes me realize I only have a few more months to enjoy their company.  So, I'm planning on doing that, because it makes me happy and I'm more than determined to be happy for as long as I can this year because I've failed so miserably at that in the past.  So I'm trying something new this year.

And my foray into happiness doesn't mean there won't be tough or sad or just plain awful moments because without those, life is one never ending ray of sunshine-which isn't what I'm looking for.  I'm more going for a soundness in the body and mind that the company of those who you like can elicit.  And the fact that all these people I really have grown to love in the past few months are going to leave really soon, really just means I'm going to have to appreciate the time I get with them a lot more.

In Colorado, I was really too wrapped up in my own drama to realize how much fun it was.  And the thing that woke me up to that, when we were back home, was something I never thought would.  A boy on the bus was making fun of something I'd done with someone else, and Ellie and Sammi completely shut it down the minute it happened.  I've never had friends who stood up for me so completely and so immediately like that.  Like ever.  And it surprised me, so I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out what to say.  And then I texted Ellie, who was separated from me (I didn't text Sammi because she has a junky phone and is awful at texting back) by bags and bodies, and just said, simply "Thanks."  And she wrote back, "anytime."  And the entire experience make me almost forget the mean thing the boy had said.

It made me realize that at the end of the year, I'm going to have to say goodbyes to all these girls, and even guys, who I hopelessly and completely love and it is going to totally suck.  The compassion I've felt from people for the past few months, whether it was through dirty chairlift jokes, discussion's of a certain english teacher's physique, misguided attempts that ended in tears, hugs, and promises of marriage, discussions of ethics and morality in gray vans, or fake fall ball proposals, has been unreal and it's made me pull myself away from jumping into the deep end I was in last year.

It's made me realize that living, having fun, experiencing life as fully as you can, while you still can, is really really important.  And I know that sounds corny, but lets play along for my sake okay?

And I don't say it often, but it is really hard to tell people how i feel. Super hard. Because I hate being vulnerable, I hate being hurt because its just all too familiar for me. Having these people has helped me trust again, trust that I can tell people how I feel about them and they will simply smile and give me an oreo and say, "Honey, I already knew that."

Bottom line-I love you guys a lot.  Thank you for saving me, and I know I don't tell you it very much, but I appreciate you more than anything else.  You're the best.

"Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Clap along if you feel like thats what you wanna do."

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same"

"Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break."