All in all, it's been a pretty good week. Stuff is really starting to make sense, whether it's in SAT tutoring, schoolwork, and skiing (scratching the fantastic fail that was this weekend- thats right, blowouts on both runs) seem to finally be going somewhere which is not something I tend to say often.
But I like being back at school again because I get to see all the people who are going to leave me in a matter of a few months (i'm talking about the seniors). And while this prospect saddens and scares me beyond belief, it makes me realize I only have a few more months to enjoy their company. So, I'm planning on doing that, because it makes me happy and I'm more than determined to be happy for as long as I can this year because I've failed so miserably at that in the past. So I'm trying something new this year.
And my foray into happiness doesn't mean there won't be tough or sad or just plain awful moments because without those, life is one never ending ray of sunshine-which isn't what I'm looking for. I'm more going for a soundness in the body and mind that the company of those who you like can elicit. And the fact that all these people I really have grown to love in the past few months are going to leave really soon, really just means I'm going to have to appreciate the time I get with them a lot more.
In Colorado, I was really too wrapped up in my own drama to realize how much fun it was. And the thing that woke me up to that, when we were back home, was something I never thought would. A boy on the bus was making fun of something I'd done with someone else, and Ellie and Sammi completely shut it down the minute it happened. I've never had friends who stood up for me so completely and so immediately like that. Like ever. And it surprised me, so I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out what to say. And then I texted Ellie, who was separated from me (I didn't text Sammi because she has a junky phone and is awful at texting back) by bags and bodies, and just said, simply "Thanks." And she wrote back, "anytime." And the entire experience make me almost forget the mean thing the boy had said.
It made me realize that at the end of the year, I'm going to have to say goodbyes to all these girls, and even guys, who I hopelessly and completely love and it is going to totally suck. The compassion I've felt from people for the past few months, whether it was through dirty chairlift jokes, discussion's of a certain english teacher's physique, misguided attempts that ended in tears, hugs, and promises of marriage, discussions of ethics and morality in gray vans, or fake fall ball proposals, has been unreal and it's made me pull myself away from jumping into the deep end I was in last year.
It's made me realize that living, having fun, experiencing life as fully as you can, while you still can, is really really important. And I know that sounds corny, but lets play along for my sake okay?
And I don't say it often, but it is really hard to tell people how i feel. Super hard. Because I hate being vulnerable, I hate being hurt because its just all too familiar for me. Having these people has helped me trust again, trust that I can tell people how I feel about them and they will simply smile and give me an oreo and say, "Honey, I already knew that."
Bottom line-I love you guys a lot. Thank you for saving me, and I know I don't tell you it very much, but I appreciate you more than anything else. You're the best.
"Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Clap along if you feel like thats what you wanna do."
"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same"
"Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break."
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