Weddings and Funerals

I'm addicted to technology. If I haven't told you this before, I'm telling you now.  For chrissake's, I'm writing in an electronic diary.  So, having a computer has been one of the most destructive things ever to happen to me, ever. I spend countless hours watching TV on it, and recently there have been a lot of weddings and funerals on various shows.  Being that I'm a hopeless romantic, i've taken my own quiet delight in the weddings.  But I've also taken delight in the funerals.  Not that I take delight in the celebration in death, but i take delight in the celebration of life, of love, of what is and was.

Funerals and weddings are very similar.  Both are designed to give a proper send off, one to someone's new life, one to what someone's life was.  I can't wait for both my wedding, and my funeral.  I can't wait to experience, truly experience, love for the first time.  I can't wait to be a part of something so special, I can't wait for that part of my life to start.  And as I write this, I realize it has.  I'm not a child anymore.  I'm a person, I'm a woman.  I'm strong and independent and I hate taking help.  I'm sensitive and vulnerable, and even though I like to pretend I don't, i care about my looks.  I think and I feel and I ponder and I excite.  I dream and I hope.  I write.  I listen.  I exist.

So much isn't clear in my life, there is still so much I have left to do.  I'm not yet grown, though I'm more than well on my way.  I can't wait for everything life has in store for me, both in the wedding and funeral categories.

"I know it's gonna be, I know it's gonna be,
anything could happen."

"you've got the love"

"you're not a knot you're not a dead end, don't ever forget, you're a living thing."

"let the sun kiss your face, let the rain wash you pure, let the clouds dry you up, let the world take you in"

For Emma, Forever Ago

Recently I read the perks of being a wallflower. Being a firm believer that the book is always better than the movie, and the fact that I wanted to see the movie and the book was just sitting there on the kindle, I went for it. It made me think, as virtually everything does, being that I'm the typical teenager filled with angst.

But it also made me realize that Charlie and I are a lot alike. No, I'm not almost totally insane, but I'm wildly different. I have really low lows, and highs where it's just me and the unicorns up in the purple  candy filled sky. Charlie saw things around him, he noticed and he kept his mouth shut about it, which is exactly what I do.  Not when I was little though. I used to burst with excitement whe my dad came home from work, and I would tell him every little inane detail about my day.  And then, I realized that most middle school aged children did not tell their parents everything, so I shut up.

And it felt almost wrong, not telling my parents everything that had happened in one day. So I just gave up a lot of talking altogether. I know the people around me were vaguely worried, not my parents for whom I put on quite a show. My brother was really worried. My advisor was worried. Some of my teachers were worried. Lauren was worried. And the fact that she and Missy shared an office meant missy was worried. The few people that there were to be my friends weren't very worried though. I guess they thought it was just me. I really contemplated suicide, like I planned it out in my head. Just like Hamlet did, I thought about the fact that in the end, we all become dust anyway, so whats a few decades?

Of course I didn't actually go through with it. Andrea wanted me to go see a counselor, and thats when I knew I had to start being more convincing. So I did. I tried to push the bad thoughts out of my mind by giving myself small tasks, and that worked, but only for a matter of months. So I started to write.

But in the past few weeks, I've struggled with what to write. This has never been a problem for me before, but I realized that I was too busy thinking about life, than actually partaking in it. Being able to let go has never been easy for me, and it certainly isn't now, with so many things completely out of my hands. Just like Charlie I have to start participating more. So I guess I'll have to. Becaus there are a lot of good things to write about. And there are certainly more things to experience before I'm laid in the ground.

"for every light, forego the parable

For Emma, forever ago"

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.  

I Hope it Gets Better

High school sucks.  I'm pretty sure everyone who is over the age of 18, has seen any teen comedy, ever, has half a brain, or has lived in the cyber bullying age, is painfully aware of this.  And sure, people can talk about doing something to change it (and good for you, go out and do it, this isn't supposed to deter you at all, FYI)  but the reality is, you really do just have to live through it.  At least I think that's what you are supposed to do.

Teenagers are awful.  I don't understand why, but whoever invented this halfway age between a kid and an adult, that was some total bullshit you pulled.  I'm calling shenanigans. Officially.  The ruthless cliques, the bullying, the angst, the pressure, all of it just sucks.  As I told one of my former tormentors last year, when she was crying on my shoulder about being prosecuted for something she had said in confidence, "try to find people who are different.  Most people are just smoke and mirrors. You have to find people who completely cut the crap, and aren't afraid to be themselves.  You have to find people who are willing to be there for you no matter what the circumstance is.  You have to find people who will make your life easier, because the reality is, you will be stuck here for the next four years."  For a ninth grader, I think that's actually pretty smart. Not to brag or anything.

But it's true.  Life is much harder to go at alone.  I honestly don't know what I would do without my friends, my real friends.  The friends who have been with me since kindergarten, the friends who I console on the chairlift, the friends who tell me that, yes, that run was absolutely awful, but it's okay because I sucked less than them.  The friends who aren't afraid to watch Doctor who obsessively with me.  The friends I've had for a long time, and the friends I haven't.  I believe that a friend is the most important thing in the world, ranking right up there with your family.

When I grow up, I can't honestly say that things will be better.  They probably won't, right away.  College is a lot like high school, at least the social aspect, except its bigger.  And from watching my parents, and their navigation of friend waters, I am honestly a little scared (not to say my parents don't have any friends, which they do).

I can't make any concrete plans for what is going to happen.  of course, I can choose what I want to do, what kind of person I want to be, but I can't choose or plan for a lot of other things.  Part of growing up is supposed to be that you are more in control of your life, which is definitely true, but I also think part of growing up is learning to let go.  Life doesn't care about the petty little plans that you've made.  Life surprises and excites.  Life sucks and is horrible. There are many different faces life has.

But its a package deal.  And the most exciting part is that you get to live it.

So while I don't know for certain it gets better, I can hope.  And that's all I can do.


"No one really knows how hard life was, I dont think about it now, because, now my life is sweet like cinnamon, like a dream I'm living in."

"Soon they gonna hear the sound when we come running."