For Emma, Forever Ago

Recently I read the perks of being a wallflower. Being a firm believer that the book is always better than the movie, and the fact that I wanted to see the movie and the book was just sitting there on the kindle, I went for it. It made me think, as virtually everything does, being that I'm the typical teenager filled with angst.

But it also made me realize that Charlie and I are a lot alike. No, I'm not almost totally insane, but I'm wildly different. I have really low lows, and highs where it's just me and the unicorns up in the purple  candy filled sky. Charlie saw things around him, he noticed and he kept his mouth shut about it, which is exactly what I do.  Not when I was little though. I used to burst with excitement whe my dad came home from work, and I would tell him every little inane detail about my day.  And then, I realized that most middle school aged children did not tell their parents everything, so I shut up.

And it felt almost wrong, not telling my parents everything that had happened in one day. So I just gave up a lot of talking altogether. I know the people around me were vaguely worried, not my parents for whom I put on quite a show. My brother was really worried. My advisor was worried. Some of my teachers were worried. Lauren was worried. And the fact that she and Missy shared an office meant missy was worried. The few people that there were to be my friends weren't very worried though. I guess they thought it was just me. I really contemplated suicide, like I planned it out in my head. Just like Hamlet did, I thought about the fact that in the end, we all become dust anyway, so whats a few decades?

Of course I didn't actually go through with it. Andrea wanted me to go see a counselor, and thats when I knew I had to start being more convincing. So I did. I tried to push the bad thoughts out of my mind by giving myself small tasks, and that worked, but only for a matter of months. So I started to write.

But in the past few weeks, I've struggled with what to write. This has never been a problem for me before, but I realized that I was too busy thinking about life, than actually partaking in it. Being able to let go has never been easy for me, and it certainly isn't now, with so many things completely out of my hands. Just like Charlie I have to start participating more. So I guess I'll have to. Becaus there are a lot of good things to write about. And there are certainly more things to experience before I'm laid in the ground.

"for every light, forego the parable

For Emma, forever ago"

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.