Reached
A long way though I traveled
My footsteps far and wide
I did not reach thee
A long while though I searched
My efforts futile lay
I didn't find any key
To take me far away
A long time though I waited,
Each second, minute, day
became an endless blur
turned into an endless haze
Wound over hill, under tree
Journeyed far past the border none can see
Climbing into dark for you
As I hope you'll do for me
A long time though I tried,
I did not reach thee
I'll wait for you here
Will you wait in the stars for me?
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Re: Stacks
Sadness is never fun. But I often ask myself, without sadness, would we ever really be able to see the true beauty of life. Because there is a lot of sadness in this world. But there is also a lot of beauty.
When I am in a bad place, you can be sure the world knows. I have often been told that I have a sunny disposition. I am the one who is always belly laughing, the one who is always making jokes, who is giving her friends goofy faces. I take on challenges with smiles, glad to be given the opportunity to excel, the opportunity to be smart. My math teacher once told me that he admired how, even when he could tell I understood nothing he had said, I would smile. My coach told me he knows the face I frequent, smile crinkled eyes twinkling, and the face I don't frequent, the distinct scowl, eyes black as night. I am sunny, but when you rub me the wrong way, things go badly fast. I swear. A lot. You can ask one of the idiotic boys at my school, or Katie or Megan, or Kara or Jules. You can ask my mother, you can ask my euro teacher. I am also extremely willful. I do not like to change the course of motion I am on, ever. Even if it will most likely help me. I like to be independent. I like it way too much. I am very sarcastic in certain situations, which doesn't help me out.
But I have also learned (sometimes) when to let things go. When some of the girls at my school say really ignorant, annoying, or just plain mean and stupid (and there has been a lot of mean projected at me today in particular) I know when and when not to pursue it. When it's Katie, you pursue it. Immediately. If it's one of the little kids, or someone who shall not be named, but hates me for no reason, I ignore it. There's no point in getting involved in something that will likely draw out your energy, and in the end will get you nowhere different than you already are. At that point, it really just isn't worth it. But that doesn't mean you should never pursue anything, and use that as an excuse.
Anyways, at the heart of all this, I just think I'm really sensitive. Because it does hurt when someone says something mean, whether they realize it or not. And you can say that you won't take it personally (which in some people's cases you may actually do, and it will work) but you will, and it doesn't feel like sunshine and buttercups.
In the past few weeks, there has been a lot to smile about. But there has also been a lot to cry about. The two always work in harmony, and even though sometimes I really do feel just terrible, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive, and that there will be sun at the top of the hill. Because beauty is everywhere. I'm as sure of this as i'm sure the moon goes to bed, and gives way to the sun, every morning.
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
And in the end, it's the dark that was the most beautiful thing
When I am in a bad place, you can be sure the world knows. I have often been told that I have a sunny disposition. I am the one who is always belly laughing, the one who is always making jokes, who is giving her friends goofy faces. I take on challenges with smiles, glad to be given the opportunity to excel, the opportunity to be smart. My math teacher once told me that he admired how, even when he could tell I understood nothing he had said, I would smile. My coach told me he knows the face I frequent, smile crinkled eyes twinkling, and the face I don't frequent, the distinct scowl, eyes black as night. I am sunny, but when you rub me the wrong way, things go badly fast. I swear. A lot. You can ask one of the idiotic boys at my school, or Katie or Megan, or Kara or Jules. You can ask my mother, you can ask my euro teacher. I am also extremely willful. I do not like to change the course of motion I am on, ever. Even if it will most likely help me. I like to be independent. I like it way too much. I am very sarcastic in certain situations, which doesn't help me out.
But I have also learned (sometimes) when to let things go. When some of the girls at my school say really ignorant, annoying, or just plain mean and stupid (and there has been a lot of mean projected at me today in particular) I know when and when not to pursue it. When it's Katie, you pursue it. Immediately. If it's one of the little kids, or someone who shall not be named, but hates me for no reason, I ignore it. There's no point in getting involved in something that will likely draw out your energy, and in the end will get you nowhere different than you already are. At that point, it really just isn't worth it. But that doesn't mean you should never pursue anything, and use that as an excuse.
Anyways, at the heart of all this, I just think I'm really sensitive. Because it does hurt when someone says something mean, whether they realize it or not. And you can say that you won't take it personally (which in some people's cases you may actually do, and it will work) but you will, and it doesn't feel like sunshine and buttercups.
In the past few weeks, there has been a lot to smile about. But there has also been a lot to cry about. The two always work in harmony, and even though sometimes I really do feel just terrible, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive, and that there will be sun at the top of the hill. Because beauty is everywhere. I'm as sure of this as i'm sure the moon goes to bed, and gives way to the sun, every morning.
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
And in the end, it's the dark that was the most beautiful thing
Monday, December 17, 2012
Heavy in Your Arms
When I first heard of the Newtown shooting, I had just stepped into class. I was fine for a little, but then I had to leave, discreetly. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and cried. I couldn't stop, and I didn't even know why. Eventually, I calmed myself down, went back up to class, and made it through the day. But I pushed it out of my mind, all weekend. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to write about it. I busied myself with material possessions and unimportant thoughts just so I wouldn't have to see the faces. Then last night I was on facebook, and there were still many posts about it, so I decided to do some research. I looked up everyone who was killed, got their photos, got their bios, and spent a good half hour just looking at their faces. It made me so sad.
These kids had the world in their hands, these teachers were loved an cherished by all. Most of them died trying to protect their students. They'll never get the chance to see what they could have become. They'll never even get a chance to grow up.
This sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud, makes me want to curl up into a ball and not move forever. This sadness makes me want to run away, to try and forget, but I know I never will. What if someone had done something, anything, different? What if school had been cancelled that day, what if the gunman had been taken before he took anyone? The possibilities and what ifs are endless, just as they would have been if these kids had survived. This sadness makes me want to die, just like these people did.
But it also infuriates me. I have one question. How can you honestly look into the innocent eyes of a six year old, and pull the trigger? How can you take away something so precious so fast and uncaringly? I cringe even thinking about it.
And it scares me. What if it was my sister, or my brother, or my parents or my friends, or my teachers, or even me who had been killed? What would happen then? I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. Do you float about for a while, just like a ghost? Is there a heaven, and you have to ascend through the clouds, and pass the pearly gates to get to it? Do you just stay in blackness, or are you even conscious? Again, the possibilities are endless.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can think about. I can't even comprehend losing a child. That is one of the saddest things in the world, having to bury your own children. The things you brought into this world, with so much love, and tried so hard to protect and keep safe, just gone, snatched away as though a cold blust of wind has taken them, and nothing to replace them? Honestly I think that is the saddest part of it all. The fact that there is no happy ending to this story, that these kids, and these people, will never come back. I think of their parents and siblings, their friends and families. It breaks my heart, it breaks my mind.
I've been taught to believe that eventually, things work themselves out. There are usually happy endings, the boy gets the girl, and they walk off into the sun, happy music playing as the picture fades into black. This time it won't.
We all miss you. Rest in peace little ones. You will always be missed, you will always be loved, you will never be forgotten. We love you so much.
"In the arms of the angels, there's no need to fear."
"Give me love, like her. Because lately I've been waking up alone."
"This is pouring rain, this is paradise."
These kids had the world in their hands, these teachers were loved an cherished by all. Most of them died trying to protect their students. They'll never get the chance to see what they could have become. They'll never even get a chance to grow up.
This sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud, makes me want to curl up into a ball and not move forever. This sadness makes me want to run away, to try and forget, but I know I never will. What if someone had done something, anything, different? What if school had been cancelled that day, what if the gunman had been taken before he took anyone? The possibilities and what ifs are endless, just as they would have been if these kids had survived. This sadness makes me want to die, just like these people did.
But it also infuriates me. I have one question. How can you honestly look into the innocent eyes of a six year old, and pull the trigger? How can you take away something so precious so fast and uncaringly? I cringe even thinking about it.
And it scares me. What if it was my sister, or my brother, or my parents or my friends, or my teachers, or even me who had been killed? What would happen then? I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. Do you float about for a while, just like a ghost? Is there a heaven, and you have to ascend through the clouds, and pass the pearly gates to get to it? Do you just stay in blackness, or are you even conscious? Again, the possibilities are endless.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can think about. I can't even comprehend losing a child. That is one of the saddest things in the world, having to bury your own children. The things you brought into this world, with so much love, and tried so hard to protect and keep safe, just gone, snatched away as though a cold blust of wind has taken them, and nothing to replace them? Honestly I think that is the saddest part of it all. The fact that there is no happy ending to this story, that these kids, and these people, will never come back. I think of their parents and siblings, their friends and families. It breaks my heart, it breaks my mind.
I've been taught to believe that eventually, things work themselves out. There are usually happy endings, the boy gets the girl, and they walk off into the sun, happy music playing as the picture fades into black. This time it won't.
We all miss you. Rest in peace little ones. You will always be missed, you will always be loved, you will never be forgotten. We love you so much.
"In the arms of the angels, there's no need to fear."
"Give me love, like her. Because lately I've been waking up alone."
"This is pouring rain, this is paradise."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
God and Monsters
Skiing is not for the faint of heart. It entails hurling yourself at top speed down a steep hill with finicky white stuff on two tiny sticks of wood. And then add the gates, longer, skinnier skis and higher speeds. Call me crazy but thats what I do every day. Besides make me ridiculously afraid of nothing involving physical danger, a damn good skier, and a strong athlete, skiing has allowed me to become self-aware, and it has made me grow in ways I would have never thought possible. I realize so much about who I am as a person, and who other people are and how to act and who to please and when and when not to listen. Skiing has allowed me to appreciate the life I live, and accept that even though i have faults, I can become a better person by putting the hours in.
This is a rough draft of what I have gathered in my many years (but not really).
No matter where you go, people will always try to tear you down. I literally mean, EVERYWHERE that you go, there will be the grade a assholes, and that they are, unfortunately, not just going to magically disappear after high school ends. So listen up (unless you are one of those assholes, and in that case, get off of my blog, I don't like you)- you can't let other people define your existence. You are you, and you are perfect the way you are. Don't feel like you have to change yourself just to fit the norm of the time. It's the people who dared to be different who enjoy life the most, because they live outside the lines, and they make themselves happy solely by choosing their own destiny. So be one of those people who aren't afraid to shine. And while it may suck in high school, it will get so much better, and you will like yourself so much more. Not that I know this speaking from experience, but I have seen a lot of examples of it.
When you find love, make sure it's the right kind. Now this is from experience. Love means that you feel as though the sun is shining on you. You shouldn't feel as though you have to change for this person. You shouldn't feel as though you are obligated to fix them, or put out for them. You should feel perfect and happy and admired and adored by this person. And if you ever don't feel that way, put the brakes on and get off of the train, instead of sliding headlong into something you can't control. When you really and truly love someone, when you say the words, you give a part of your heart up. And when it ends, the love just doesn't go away. It stays, but it's not the same anymore. I like to think that it keeps your heart ready for the next love, and that when the next love does come, it doesn't go away, it just stays there as though it is a pleasant little pool of warmth, and not the great sun it once was.
If you ever let yourself get pushed down by others, push right back, as hard as you can. Don't let them push you down any farther.
Express yourself every day.
Find friends who love you for who you are and who you fell comfortable and safe with, and surround yourself with them, that way, they can cushion your falls.
Dont be afraid to be alone. It doesn't mean you don't have friends!
Last, and not at all least. Do something you love, something really beautiful every single day. No matter how sucky the day is, make sure you leave your mark on the world in one way or another. It doesn't have to be big, just something that you can be proud of.
"so today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!"
"In the land of Gods and Monsters, I was an angel."
"My mother always said I was an unusual girl, with no moral compass pointing due north, just and inner conscience that is as about as wide and as wavering as the ocean."
Oh the places you can go
This is a rough draft of what I have gathered in my many years (but not really).
No matter where you go, people will always try to tear you down. I literally mean, EVERYWHERE that you go, there will be the grade a assholes, and that they are, unfortunately, not just going to magically disappear after high school ends. So listen up (unless you are one of those assholes, and in that case, get off of my blog, I don't like you)- you can't let other people define your existence. You are you, and you are perfect the way you are. Don't feel like you have to change yourself just to fit the norm of the time. It's the people who dared to be different who enjoy life the most, because they live outside the lines, and they make themselves happy solely by choosing their own destiny. So be one of those people who aren't afraid to shine. And while it may suck in high school, it will get so much better, and you will like yourself so much more. Not that I know this speaking from experience, but I have seen a lot of examples of it.
When you find love, make sure it's the right kind. Now this is from experience. Love means that you feel as though the sun is shining on you. You shouldn't feel as though you have to change for this person. You shouldn't feel as though you are obligated to fix them, or put out for them. You should feel perfect and happy and admired and adored by this person. And if you ever don't feel that way, put the brakes on and get off of the train, instead of sliding headlong into something you can't control. When you really and truly love someone, when you say the words, you give a part of your heart up. And when it ends, the love just doesn't go away. It stays, but it's not the same anymore. I like to think that it keeps your heart ready for the next love, and that when the next love does come, it doesn't go away, it just stays there as though it is a pleasant little pool of warmth, and not the great sun it once was.
If you ever let yourself get pushed down by others, push right back, as hard as you can. Don't let them push you down any farther.
Express yourself every day.
Find friends who love you for who you are and who you fell comfortable and safe with, and surround yourself with them, that way, they can cushion your falls.
Dont be afraid to be alone. It doesn't mean you don't have friends!
Last, and not at all least. Do something you love, something really beautiful every single day. No matter how sucky the day is, make sure you leave your mark on the world in one way or another. It doesn't have to be big, just something that you can be proud of.
"so today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!"
"In the land of Gods and Monsters, I was an angel."
"My mother always said I was an unusual girl, with no moral compass pointing due north, just and inner conscience that is as about as wide and as wavering as the ocean."
Oh the places you can go
Monday, December 10, 2012
Phosphorescence
Technology is taking over my life. Every second I'm not on my phone, i want to be. When i get up in the morning, i do my rounds. Instagram, then twitter, then facebook, then wanelo. When I'm not on any of these, i'm on Netflix, or Hulu, or I'm checking my email. My life consists of endless technology, and at least five hours a day on the computer. It's highly addictive. When I was a kid, there was no such thing as a computer, there was only mystery. The world was an endless ball of light, and everything was there only to delight my every whim. And then I grew up. School hit me head on, tests, papers, quizzes all at the same time. Then there was money, wars, the economy, technology, and college. Somewhere in there, I lost sight of the world that had once delighted me. Instead I found gray, where I had once found bright colors.
There was one day this summer when I felt like a child again. I went hiking up Burnt Rock with some of my best friends, and the world seemed infinite and the possibilities endless. Then we went back to my friends house and layed in the grass and swam in the river and I felt alive again. I caught a glimpse of the child I had once been, the child I will never be again.
As much as I would like, I will never see the world that way again. I might catch glimpses of the wonder at times, but the world will never be that simple again. I'm becoming a person, a grown up, and as much as that scares me, every day it approaches me, I feel more ready, more excited to push off and jump straight in.
But for those times when the world just won't top being gray, I can go back to that child place in my mind, the place where I wound through the old greenhouse with Kai, where i rolled across the rolling hill. The place where I swam in the brooks, where I climbed the mountains. The place where I skipped rocks and where I learned to rip stick. The place where I played hopscotch, hide and seek, and took baths with Emma. The place where I learned how to love with Kai and Jon Luc and Charlie. The place I learned how to be a best friend with Meredith. The place I learned how to cartwheel, the place I learned how to play poker, and badminton. The place I learned how to tube and waterski with Katie and Charlotte and Jack and TK. the place I learned how to do my makeup and how to make peanut butter oreo sandwiches.
This is the place that I want to forever be a part of me, no matter how old I get. I'm excited for what life will bring, and i'll always hold onto the memories, people and lessons life has given me.
"I am a full grown man, but I will lay in the grass, in the grass."
"Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again"
There was one day this summer when I felt like a child again. I went hiking up Burnt Rock with some of my best friends, and the world seemed infinite and the possibilities endless. Then we went back to my friends house and layed in the grass and swam in the river and I felt alive again. I caught a glimpse of the child I had once been, the child I will never be again.
As much as I would like, I will never see the world that way again. I might catch glimpses of the wonder at times, but the world will never be that simple again. I'm becoming a person, a grown up, and as much as that scares me, every day it approaches me, I feel more ready, more excited to push off and jump straight in.
But for those times when the world just won't top being gray, I can go back to that child place in my mind, the place where I wound through the old greenhouse with Kai, where i rolled across the rolling hill. The place where I swam in the brooks, where I climbed the mountains. The place where I skipped rocks and where I learned to rip stick. The place where I played hopscotch, hide and seek, and took baths with Emma. The place where I learned how to love with Kai and Jon Luc and Charlie. The place I learned how to be a best friend with Meredith. The place I learned how to cartwheel, the place I learned how to play poker, and badminton. The place I learned how to tube and waterski with Katie and Charlotte and Jack and TK. the place I learned how to do my makeup and how to make peanut butter oreo sandwiches.
This is the place that I want to forever be a part of me, no matter how old I get. I'm excited for what life will bring, and i'll always hold onto the memories, people and lessons life has given me.
"I am a full grown man, but I will lay in the grass, in the grass."
"Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again"
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