Reached
A long way though I traveled
My footsteps far and wide
I did not reach thee
A long while though I searched
My efforts futile lay
I didn't find any key
To take me far away
A long time though I waited,
Each second, minute, day
became an endless blur
turned into an endless haze
Wound over hill, under tree
Journeyed far past the border none can see
Climbing into dark for you
As I hope you'll do for me
A long time though I tried,
I did not reach thee
I'll wait for you here
Will you wait in the stars for me?
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Re: Stacks
Sadness is never fun. But I often ask myself, without sadness, would we ever really be able to see the true beauty of life. Because there is a lot of sadness in this world. But there is also a lot of beauty.
When I am in a bad place, you can be sure the world knows. I have often been told that I have a sunny disposition. I am the one who is always belly laughing, the one who is always making jokes, who is giving her friends goofy faces. I take on challenges with smiles, glad to be given the opportunity to excel, the opportunity to be smart. My math teacher once told me that he admired how, even when he could tell I understood nothing he had said, I would smile. My coach told me he knows the face I frequent, smile crinkled eyes twinkling, and the face I don't frequent, the distinct scowl, eyes black as night. I am sunny, but when you rub me the wrong way, things go badly fast. I swear. A lot. You can ask one of the idiotic boys at my school, or Katie or Megan, or Kara or Jules. You can ask my mother, you can ask my euro teacher. I am also extremely willful. I do not like to change the course of motion I am on, ever. Even if it will most likely help me. I like to be independent. I like it way too much. I am very sarcastic in certain situations, which doesn't help me out.
But I have also learned (sometimes) when to let things go. When some of the girls at my school say really ignorant, annoying, or just plain mean and stupid (and there has been a lot of mean projected at me today in particular) I know when and when not to pursue it. When it's Katie, you pursue it. Immediately. If it's one of the little kids, or someone who shall not be named, but hates me for no reason, I ignore it. There's no point in getting involved in something that will likely draw out your energy, and in the end will get you nowhere different than you already are. At that point, it really just isn't worth it. But that doesn't mean you should never pursue anything, and use that as an excuse.
Anyways, at the heart of all this, I just think I'm really sensitive. Because it does hurt when someone says something mean, whether they realize it or not. And you can say that you won't take it personally (which in some people's cases you may actually do, and it will work) but you will, and it doesn't feel like sunshine and buttercups.
In the past few weeks, there has been a lot to smile about. But there has also been a lot to cry about. The two always work in harmony, and even though sometimes I really do feel just terrible, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive, and that there will be sun at the top of the hill. Because beauty is everywhere. I'm as sure of this as i'm sure the moon goes to bed, and gives way to the sun, every morning.
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
And in the end, it's the dark that was the most beautiful thing
When I am in a bad place, you can be sure the world knows. I have often been told that I have a sunny disposition. I am the one who is always belly laughing, the one who is always making jokes, who is giving her friends goofy faces. I take on challenges with smiles, glad to be given the opportunity to excel, the opportunity to be smart. My math teacher once told me that he admired how, even when he could tell I understood nothing he had said, I would smile. My coach told me he knows the face I frequent, smile crinkled eyes twinkling, and the face I don't frequent, the distinct scowl, eyes black as night. I am sunny, but when you rub me the wrong way, things go badly fast. I swear. A lot. You can ask one of the idiotic boys at my school, or Katie or Megan, or Kara or Jules. You can ask my mother, you can ask my euro teacher. I am also extremely willful. I do not like to change the course of motion I am on, ever. Even if it will most likely help me. I like to be independent. I like it way too much. I am very sarcastic in certain situations, which doesn't help me out.
But I have also learned (sometimes) when to let things go. When some of the girls at my school say really ignorant, annoying, or just plain mean and stupid (and there has been a lot of mean projected at me today in particular) I know when and when not to pursue it. When it's Katie, you pursue it. Immediately. If it's one of the little kids, or someone who shall not be named, but hates me for no reason, I ignore it. There's no point in getting involved in something that will likely draw out your energy, and in the end will get you nowhere different than you already are. At that point, it really just isn't worth it. But that doesn't mean you should never pursue anything, and use that as an excuse.
Anyways, at the heart of all this, I just think I'm really sensitive. Because it does hurt when someone says something mean, whether they realize it or not. And you can say that you won't take it personally (which in some people's cases you may actually do, and it will work) but you will, and it doesn't feel like sunshine and buttercups.
In the past few weeks, there has been a lot to smile about. But there has also been a lot to cry about. The two always work in harmony, and even though sometimes I really do feel just terrible, I have to remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive, and that there will be sun at the top of the hill. Because beauty is everywhere. I'm as sure of this as i'm sure the moon goes to bed, and gives way to the sun, every morning.
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
And in the end, it's the dark that was the most beautiful thing
Monday, December 17, 2012
Heavy in Your Arms
When I first heard of the Newtown shooting, I had just stepped into class. I was fine for a little, but then I had to leave, discreetly. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and cried. I couldn't stop, and I didn't even know why. Eventually, I calmed myself down, went back up to class, and made it through the day. But I pushed it out of my mind, all weekend. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to write about it. I busied myself with material possessions and unimportant thoughts just so I wouldn't have to see the faces. Then last night I was on facebook, and there were still many posts about it, so I decided to do some research. I looked up everyone who was killed, got their photos, got their bios, and spent a good half hour just looking at their faces. It made me so sad.
These kids had the world in their hands, these teachers were loved an cherished by all. Most of them died trying to protect their students. They'll never get the chance to see what they could have become. They'll never even get a chance to grow up.
This sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud, makes me want to curl up into a ball and not move forever. This sadness makes me want to run away, to try and forget, but I know I never will. What if someone had done something, anything, different? What if school had been cancelled that day, what if the gunman had been taken before he took anyone? The possibilities and what ifs are endless, just as they would have been if these kids had survived. This sadness makes me want to die, just like these people did.
But it also infuriates me. I have one question. How can you honestly look into the innocent eyes of a six year old, and pull the trigger? How can you take away something so precious so fast and uncaringly? I cringe even thinking about it.
And it scares me. What if it was my sister, or my brother, or my parents or my friends, or my teachers, or even me who had been killed? What would happen then? I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. Do you float about for a while, just like a ghost? Is there a heaven, and you have to ascend through the clouds, and pass the pearly gates to get to it? Do you just stay in blackness, or are you even conscious? Again, the possibilities are endless.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can think about. I can't even comprehend losing a child. That is one of the saddest things in the world, having to bury your own children. The things you brought into this world, with so much love, and tried so hard to protect and keep safe, just gone, snatched away as though a cold blust of wind has taken them, and nothing to replace them? Honestly I think that is the saddest part of it all. The fact that there is no happy ending to this story, that these kids, and these people, will never come back. I think of their parents and siblings, their friends and families. It breaks my heart, it breaks my mind.
I've been taught to believe that eventually, things work themselves out. There are usually happy endings, the boy gets the girl, and they walk off into the sun, happy music playing as the picture fades into black. This time it won't.
We all miss you. Rest in peace little ones. You will always be missed, you will always be loved, you will never be forgotten. We love you so much.
"In the arms of the angels, there's no need to fear."
"Give me love, like her. Because lately I've been waking up alone."
"This is pouring rain, this is paradise."
These kids had the world in their hands, these teachers were loved an cherished by all. Most of them died trying to protect their students. They'll never get the chance to see what they could have become. They'll never even get a chance to grow up.
This sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud, makes me want to curl up into a ball and not move forever. This sadness makes me want to run away, to try and forget, but I know I never will. What if someone had done something, anything, different? What if school had been cancelled that day, what if the gunman had been taken before he took anyone? The possibilities and what ifs are endless, just as they would have been if these kids had survived. This sadness makes me want to die, just like these people did.
But it also infuriates me. I have one question. How can you honestly look into the innocent eyes of a six year old, and pull the trigger? How can you take away something so precious so fast and uncaringly? I cringe even thinking about it.
And it scares me. What if it was my sister, or my brother, or my parents or my friends, or my teachers, or even me who had been killed? What would happen then? I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. Do you float about for a while, just like a ghost? Is there a heaven, and you have to ascend through the clouds, and pass the pearly gates to get to it? Do you just stay in blackness, or are you even conscious? Again, the possibilities are endless.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can think about. I can't even comprehend losing a child. That is one of the saddest things in the world, having to bury your own children. The things you brought into this world, with so much love, and tried so hard to protect and keep safe, just gone, snatched away as though a cold blust of wind has taken them, and nothing to replace them? Honestly I think that is the saddest part of it all. The fact that there is no happy ending to this story, that these kids, and these people, will never come back. I think of their parents and siblings, their friends and families. It breaks my heart, it breaks my mind.
I've been taught to believe that eventually, things work themselves out. There are usually happy endings, the boy gets the girl, and they walk off into the sun, happy music playing as the picture fades into black. This time it won't.
We all miss you. Rest in peace little ones. You will always be missed, you will always be loved, you will never be forgotten. We love you so much.
"In the arms of the angels, there's no need to fear."
"Give me love, like her. Because lately I've been waking up alone."
"This is pouring rain, this is paradise."
Thursday, December 13, 2012
God and Monsters
Skiing is not for the faint of heart. It entails hurling yourself at top speed down a steep hill with finicky white stuff on two tiny sticks of wood. And then add the gates, longer, skinnier skis and higher speeds. Call me crazy but thats what I do every day. Besides make me ridiculously afraid of nothing involving physical danger, a damn good skier, and a strong athlete, skiing has allowed me to become self-aware, and it has made me grow in ways I would have never thought possible. I realize so much about who I am as a person, and who other people are and how to act and who to please and when and when not to listen. Skiing has allowed me to appreciate the life I live, and accept that even though i have faults, I can become a better person by putting the hours in.
This is a rough draft of what I have gathered in my many years (but not really).
No matter where you go, people will always try to tear you down. I literally mean, EVERYWHERE that you go, there will be the grade a assholes, and that they are, unfortunately, not just going to magically disappear after high school ends. So listen up (unless you are one of those assholes, and in that case, get off of my blog, I don't like you)- you can't let other people define your existence. You are you, and you are perfect the way you are. Don't feel like you have to change yourself just to fit the norm of the time. It's the people who dared to be different who enjoy life the most, because they live outside the lines, and they make themselves happy solely by choosing their own destiny. So be one of those people who aren't afraid to shine. And while it may suck in high school, it will get so much better, and you will like yourself so much more. Not that I know this speaking from experience, but I have seen a lot of examples of it.
When you find love, make sure it's the right kind. Now this is from experience. Love means that you feel as though the sun is shining on you. You shouldn't feel as though you have to change for this person. You shouldn't feel as though you are obligated to fix them, or put out for them. You should feel perfect and happy and admired and adored by this person. And if you ever don't feel that way, put the brakes on and get off of the train, instead of sliding headlong into something you can't control. When you really and truly love someone, when you say the words, you give a part of your heart up. And when it ends, the love just doesn't go away. It stays, but it's not the same anymore. I like to think that it keeps your heart ready for the next love, and that when the next love does come, it doesn't go away, it just stays there as though it is a pleasant little pool of warmth, and not the great sun it once was.
If you ever let yourself get pushed down by others, push right back, as hard as you can. Don't let them push you down any farther.
Express yourself every day.
Find friends who love you for who you are and who you fell comfortable and safe with, and surround yourself with them, that way, they can cushion your falls.
Dont be afraid to be alone. It doesn't mean you don't have friends!
Last, and not at all least. Do something you love, something really beautiful every single day. No matter how sucky the day is, make sure you leave your mark on the world in one way or another. It doesn't have to be big, just something that you can be proud of.
"so today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!"
"In the land of Gods and Monsters, I was an angel."
"My mother always said I was an unusual girl, with no moral compass pointing due north, just and inner conscience that is as about as wide and as wavering as the ocean."
Oh the places you can go
This is a rough draft of what I have gathered in my many years (but not really).
No matter where you go, people will always try to tear you down. I literally mean, EVERYWHERE that you go, there will be the grade a assholes, and that they are, unfortunately, not just going to magically disappear after high school ends. So listen up (unless you are one of those assholes, and in that case, get off of my blog, I don't like you)- you can't let other people define your existence. You are you, and you are perfect the way you are. Don't feel like you have to change yourself just to fit the norm of the time. It's the people who dared to be different who enjoy life the most, because they live outside the lines, and they make themselves happy solely by choosing their own destiny. So be one of those people who aren't afraid to shine. And while it may suck in high school, it will get so much better, and you will like yourself so much more. Not that I know this speaking from experience, but I have seen a lot of examples of it.
When you find love, make sure it's the right kind. Now this is from experience. Love means that you feel as though the sun is shining on you. You shouldn't feel as though you have to change for this person. You shouldn't feel as though you are obligated to fix them, or put out for them. You should feel perfect and happy and admired and adored by this person. And if you ever don't feel that way, put the brakes on and get off of the train, instead of sliding headlong into something you can't control. When you really and truly love someone, when you say the words, you give a part of your heart up. And when it ends, the love just doesn't go away. It stays, but it's not the same anymore. I like to think that it keeps your heart ready for the next love, and that when the next love does come, it doesn't go away, it just stays there as though it is a pleasant little pool of warmth, and not the great sun it once was.
If you ever let yourself get pushed down by others, push right back, as hard as you can. Don't let them push you down any farther.
Express yourself every day.
Find friends who love you for who you are and who you fell comfortable and safe with, and surround yourself with them, that way, they can cushion your falls.
Dont be afraid to be alone. It doesn't mean you don't have friends!
Last, and not at all least. Do something you love, something really beautiful every single day. No matter how sucky the day is, make sure you leave your mark on the world in one way or another. It doesn't have to be big, just something that you can be proud of.
"so today is your day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!"
"In the land of Gods and Monsters, I was an angel."
"My mother always said I was an unusual girl, with no moral compass pointing due north, just and inner conscience that is as about as wide and as wavering as the ocean."
Oh the places you can go
Monday, December 10, 2012
Phosphorescence
Technology is taking over my life. Every second I'm not on my phone, i want to be. When i get up in the morning, i do my rounds. Instagram, then twitter, then facebook, then wanelo. When I'm not on any of these, i'm on Netflix, or Hulu, or I'm checking my email. My life consists of endless technology, and at least five hours a day on the computer. It's highly addictive. When I was a kid, there was no such thing as a computer, there was only mystery. The world was an endless ball of light, and everything was there only to delight my every whim. And then I grew up. School hit me head on, tests, papers, quizzes all at the same time. Then there was money, wars, the economy, technology, and college. Somewhere in there, I lost sight of the world that had once delighted me. Instead I found gray, where I had once found bright colors.
There was one day this summer when I felt like a child again. I went hiking up Burnt Rock with some of my best friends, and the world seemed infinite and the possibilities endless. Then we went back to my friends house and layed in the grass and swam in the river and I felt alive again. I caught a glimpse of the child I had once been, the child I will never be again.
As much as I would like, I will never see the world that way again. I might catch glimpses of the wonder at times, but the world will never be that simple again. I'm becoming a person, a grown up, and as much as that scares me, every day it approaches me, I feel more ready, more excited to push off and jump straight in.
But for those times when the world just won't top being gray, I can go back to that child place in my mind, the place where I wound through the old greenhouse with Kai, where i rolled across the rolling hill. The place where I swam in the brooks, where I climbed the mountains. The place where I skipped rocks and where I learned to rip stick. The place where I played hopscotch, hide and seek, and took baths with Emma. The place where I learned how to love with Kai and Jon Luc and Charlie. The place I learned how to be a best friend with Meredith. The place I learned how to cartwheel, the place I learned how to play poker, and badminton. The place I learned how to tube and waterski with Katie and Charlotte and Jack and TK. the place I learned how to do my makeup and how to make peanut butter oreo sandwiches.
This is the place that I want to forever be a part of me, no matter how old I get. I'm excited for what life will bring, and i'll always hold onto the memories, people and lessons life has given me.
"I am a full grown man, but I will lay in the grass, in the grass."
"Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again"
There was one day this summer when I felt like a child again. I went hiking up Burnt Rock with some of my best friends, and the world seemed infinite and the possibilities endless. Then we went back to my friends house and layed in the grass and swam in the river and I felt alive again. I caught a glimpse of the child I had once been, the child I will never be again.
As much as I would like, I will never see the world that way again. I might catch glimpses of the wonder at times, but the world will never be that simple again. I'm becoming a person, a grown up, and as much as that scares me, every day it approaches me, I feel more ready, more excited to push off and jump straight in.
But for those times when the world just won't top being gray, I can go back to that child place in my mind, the place where I wound through the old greenhouse with Kai, where i rolled across the rolling hill. The place where I swam in the brooks, where I climbed the mountains. The place where I skipped rocks and where I learned to rip stick. The place where I played hopscotch, hide and seek, and took baths with Emma. The place where I learned how to love with Kai and Jon Luc and Charlie. The place I learned how to be a best friend with Meredith. The place I learned how to cartwheel, the place I learned how to play poker, and badminton. The place I learned how to tube and waterski with Katie and Charlotte and Jack and TK. the place I learned how to do my makeup and how to make peanut butter oreo sandwiches.
This is the place that I want to forever be a part of me, no matter how old I get. I'm excited for what life will bring, and i'll always hold onto the memories, people and lessons life has given me.
"I am a full grown man, but I will lay in the grass, in the grass."
"Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again"
Saturday, November 24, 2012
#TBT and a whole lotta head Injury
Thanksgiving was two days ago. As always, I am thankful for everything in my life. Family, Friends, skiing and health most importantly, but I have a huge list that I tucked away in my room somewhere. Anyways, I've done a lot of description thus far on this little experiment called a blog, and a lot of it has been about things that I am thankful for. So, now is a description of what is happening to me.
My head constantly hurts. I have a concussion, which sucks, and I haven't taken care of it very well. But neither did my idiot of a roommate, who screamed at every chance she got for the one day that I was injured in Colorado, and then berated me for getting on my computer to try and answer an email pertaining to my head, then complained that I was being "unreasonable and selfish" when I asked her to quiet down a tad bit at three o'clock in the morning, then shouted F YOU as loud as she could at me. My other roommates actually tried to make me feel better. Thanks Becca for making me get away from the screen because you didn't want my head to hurt. Thanks Ali for not getting angry when I went to bed at 8 pm, just quietly going to bed. Thanks Tarrah for producing a smile when you asked me if my head hurt and I said like a b word. Actually, I don't have any thanks to give to Kara, you were kinda mean too, even if it wasn't as obvious as Isobel. Anyways, I can't sleep, I'm way behind on my homework and will most definitely be for the remainder of the time I'm in school until Christmas break, in three weeks. And I feel sick, and there's a party at my house tonight. Joy. And I haven't skied in a week and I'm beginning to go stir crazy.
Ah. Much better. Now that I look back on this little paragraph I've written, I feel a bit selfish. I just needed to rant. My life really isn't that bad. Pretend that wasn't me.
Because it wasn't. RIGHT?
My head constantly hurts. I have a concussion, which sucks, and I haven't taken care of it very well. But neither did my idiot of a roommate, who screamed at every chance she got for the one day that I was injured in Colorado, and then berated me for getting on my computer to try and answer an email pertaining to my head, then complained that I was being "unreasonable and selfish" when I asked her to quiet down a tad bit at three o'clock in the morning, then shouted F YOU as loud as she could at me. My other roommates actually tried to make me feel better. Thanks Becca for making me get away from the screen because you didn't want my head to hurt. Thanks Ali for not getting angry when I went to bed at 8 pm, just quietly going to bed. Thanks Tarrah for producing a smile when you asked me if my head hurt and I said like a b word. Actually, I don't have any thanks to give to Kara, you were kinda mean too, even if it wasn't as obvious as Isobel. Anyways, I can't sleep, I'm way behind on my homework and will most definitely be for the remainder of the time I'm in school until Christmas break, in three weeks. And I feel sick, and there's a party at my house tonight. Joy. And I haven't skied in a week and I'm beginning to go stir crazy.
Ah. Much better. Now that I look back on this little paragraph I've written, I feel a bit selfish. I just needed to rant. My life really isn't that bad. Pretend that wasn't me.
Because it wasn't. RIGHT?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Room to Grow
Okay, I know I talk a lot about life. And even though it's a miniscule number of people that actually read this blog, (hi Christine), I am sorry. But life is such a big topic, and one that doesn't even end until you do. Anyways.
Recently listening to Lana del Rey, as in right now, which is always quite destructive, but whatever, i started thinking about life, yet again. I do this really crazy thing, this really crazy sport, almost every single day. And even on the really bad days when even Cindy knows that something is really wrong with me, and i condemn Dave to hell on a chairlift, and almost break down to Ellie B. of all people, i know next day I'll be right back at the top of the hill. This thing I do isn't easy. Only about the top 5% of people even make it to the elite level, and even then you might not do well. But, here I am, trying day after day after day, and getting really frustrated. It will most likely make me a better person in the end, but sometimes it just really fucking sucks. Pardon my french.
Today was not a sucky day. Today was a beautiful conglomeration of sun, snow, music, skiing, and Kara. Run after run, we sat on the chairlift at Copper Mountain, and sang, every single run, in between ripping down the five second trail, not ever stopping, seeing who could get more air at the very end. I skied well, I got sunburned, and I reaffirmed the love for this sport that has been missing for a day or two. And I reaffirmed that feeling, the feeling of being free, just by stepping onto a pair of skis.
So while I really am crazy, and while what I do is crazy, those days when everything goes right SO make up for the days that suck so badly. I am in love with this, I am in love with every aspect of it, even the tuning. I don't ever want to stop. At least for now.
"I may be crazy, but I am free."
Recently listening to Lana del Rey, as in right now, which is always quite destructive, but whatever, i started thinking about life, yet again. I do this really crazy thing, this really crazy sport, almost every single day. And even on the really bad days when even Cindy knows that something is really wrong with me, and i condemn Dave to hell on a chairlift, and almost break down to Ellie B. of all people, i know next day I'll be right back at the top of the hill. This thing I do isn't easy. Only about the top 5% of people even make it to the elite level, and even then you might not do well. But, here I am, trying day after day after day, and getting really frustrated. It will most likely make me a better person in the end, but sometimes it just really fucking sucks. Pardon my french.
Today was not a sucky day. Today was a beautiful conglomeration of sun, snow, music, skiing, and Kara. Run after run, we sat on the chairlift at Copper Mountain, and sang, every single run, in between ripping down the five second trail, not ever stopping, seeing who could get more air at the very end. I skied well, I got sunburned, and I reaffirmed the love for this sport that has been missing for a day or two. And I reaffirmed that feeling, the feeling of being free, just by stepping onto a pair of skis.
So while I really am crazy, and while what I do is crazy, those days when everything goes right SO make up for the days that suck so badly. I am in love with this, I am in love with every aspect of it, even the tuning. I don't ever want to stop. At least for now.
"I may be crazy, but I am free."
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Waiting
Life is funny. Sometimes it goes so fast, and seems impossible. Sometimes the minutes, the seconds drag by so slowly it's as if no time has ever passed. Sometimes you can hear each and every single tear pitter patter on the ground. Sometimes life is unbelievably good to you, and sometimes life is just that- full of life. It still seems as though i'm waiting for my life to start in earnest. Sure there was the whole teenager awakening nonsense, and I am certainly a credible person, who has these crazy thoughts, and ideas. I'm a person who is every bit as real as you are to you, but my life hasn't even begun.
Someday I'll be all big and grown, I hope. I'll know the answers to all these strange things that my mind ponders, and my life will have, as Alice loves to remind me, perspective. But for now, i guess i'll just have to wait for the nonsense and wonder of my very own life to begin. It's like i'm holding a big pink ball of energy, of things that could be in my hands, and that soon it will just explode and i'll be immersed, lying under it as I do stars, and i won't be able to do anything but smile. I hope that day comes soon. Until then, I'll be waiting.
"Now all the stars have gone
Faded into cracks of dawn
And I'm still waiting here
Waiting for you to come home"
Someday I'll be all big and grown, I hope. I'll know the answers to all these strange things that my mind ponders, and my life will have, as Alice loves to remind me, perspective. But for now, i guess i'll just have to wait for the nonsense and wonder of my very own life to begin. It's like i'm holding a big pink ball of energy, of things that could be in my hands, and that soon it will just explode and i'll be immersed, lying under it as I do stars, and i won't be able to do anything but smile. I hope that day comes soon. Until then, I'll be waiting.
"Now all the stars have gone
Faded into cracks of dawn
And I'm still waiting here
Waiting for you to come home"
Monday, October 29, 2012
start slow
The world is crashing down around me, bit by bit. It seems as though just last week I could've thrown my arms out to the sky in gratitude, and this week all I can do is cry. Life is a terrible experiment. It seems as though everyone and everything is working against me, trying to make sure I fall. Homework is piling up, I'm scrambling with play, I don't get any sleep, I worry about college, and I have to fight to even be put in the field in soccer. On top of that, a storm is brewing within my family, and it seems as though they hate me. People are being mean, including teachers, and life is just too much for me. The blows are coming harder and faster. They're digging deeper, and i can tell you it really hurts.
But. Still. I look around, thankful to live in the beautiful place I do. Thankful that I will most likely make it out of this rather large hole. But. Still. It's a big hole.
Hopefully I can find a large shovel.
"all I know is pouring rain, and everything has changed."
Ride
Recently listening to some soulful sadness queens of music, I had a revelation. I have a whole life ahead of me, a whole life that will be full of adventure and friends, and living between the lines. A whole life, that I can just live. This excites me beyond belief, I will finally be totally independent, and I can be fantastic. But it also terrifies me. What if I can't pay the bills, or life isn't as exciting as I think it will be? What If i really miss my parents, or my old house? What if I never find somebody that i truly love, what if i dies, and nobody misses me? The reality is, I don't know what is going to happen to me. And if it turns out bad, I can change. As lady gaga would say, "If life gives you lemons, make a dress." I'm a strong person, and I am incredibly stubborn.
I'm willing to fail a few times to make a really beautiful picture. I think outside the box, I use my words and I observe. I love life passionately and I hate life passionately. I accept those who love differently and I recognize that I am one who is different. I realize that there will be those who say you can't, and don't do it for them, you just have to do it. I know that no matter where we come from, we are all of the same love. I know I'm just a baby, trying to understand.
One day, i'll know the end of my story. Until then, i'll be riding.
"I hear the birds on the summer breeze
i drive fast, i am alone in the night
been tryin hard not to get into trouble
but i, i've got a war on my mind.
so I just ride."
I'm willing to fail a few times to make a really beautiful picture. I think outside the box, I use my words and I observe. I love life passionately and I hate life passionately. I accept those who love differently and I recognize that I am one who is different. I realize that there will be those who say you can't, and don't do it for them, you just have to do it. I know that no matter where we come from, we are all of the same love. I know I'm just a baby, trying to understand.
One day, i'll know the end of my story. Until then, i'll be riding.
"I hear the birds on the summer breeze
i drive fast, i am alone in the night
been tryin hard not to get into trouble
but i, i've got a war on my mind.
so I just ride."
Monday, October 1, 2012
Ronan
Everyone dies. It's sad to think about, but in the end, we all close our eyes and drift off. Lately, it seems as though many people have been dying, people I know, and people I don't know. Megan Ives, a stratton girl when I was in chile and right across the hall. Jack Burfoot, a boy I've known since we moved here. And even though it was a few years ago, Michael Mckenna, my friends father. Two from cancer, one from unexplained causes, there will be an autopsy soon. I want to talk about these things, I want to express myself, I want to find a way to make it up to these people, but I can't. I can't find the words to say how scared this makes me, how scared I am of life. I can;t find the words to say sorry to everyone who knew these people, their families and friends, I can't find the words to say goodbye, I can't find the ways to say goodbye.
This I do know. Everything I do, I want to do it better for these kids, for this man. These people won't get to watch their kids grow up, some were just kids themselves. They will only witness a few sunsets, a few sunrises, and a few short years of life. I want to do everything better for these people, because they can't do it for themselves, they can't reach their goals, their hopes and dreams. I'll be damned if I can't, for them. And If I die soon, or when I do die, at least people will know I tried for these people, I tried to do something about it, even if I didn't succeed. Hopefully I'll be missed.
Goodbye, you will forever be missed and loved.
"Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away, from here.
I love you to the moon and back."
This I do know. Everything I do, I want to do it better for these kids, for this man. These people won't get to watch their kids grow up, some were just kids themselves. They will only witness a few sunsets, a few sunrises, and a few short years of life. I want to do everything better for these people, because they can't do it for themselves, they can't reach their goals, their hopes and dreams. I'll be damned if I can't, for them. And If I die soon, or when I do die, at least people will know I tried for these people, I tried to do something about it, even if I didn't succeed. Hopefully I'll be missed.
Goodbye, you will forever be missed and loved.
"Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away, from here.
I love you to the moon and back."
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Gossamer
Poetry is one of the things I love, so I'm going to take a nice crack at it.
Gossamer
The light flows through
Twists
Curls
Bends
Grasp the key
Open the door
Run, Run, Run
Don't ever look back
the world you find is a far better place
the cobwebs you leave will all fall away
Gossamer
The light flows through
Twists
Curls
Bends
Grasp the key
Open the door
Run, Run, Run
Don't ever look back
the world you find is a far better place
the cobwebs you leave will all fall away
like wings of gossamer
Monday, August 13, 2012
Homecoming
When I was eight, right after we moved into the house that I currently call home, my teacher asked me to write about home. I thought about it for a minute, then decided i would draw a picture, because although I was a very eloquent eight year old, I still couldn't express my feelings about home. I drew a picture of my family, sitting around a badly drawn heart, my dad on the piano, mom on the guitar and my siblings and I singing. That is my home.
This weekend my mom and I drove to Rockport, Mass. to visit some old friends. We stayed with my mom's friend who has a daughter my age. When my brother was really little, and I wasn't even born, my mother and this women had met, and their sons had played together. Then I was born, and the daughter was born, and we were really close growing up, until we moved away to Vermont. We saw them a lot until last year they couldn't make it up to visit. So we figured that we would do it this time. The house was beautiful, as was the setting, and it was so peaceful and relaxing. But E, as she will be called, had changed. A lot. She was standoffish, and we didn't really get along. I mean we did, but not anywhere near as well as we used to. On the last day I was there, we met E's friend Shelby, who I really liked. As coincidence would have it, Shelby was also a ski racer, and will be attending CVA (carrabasset valley academy, another skiing school in Maine) in November. We went to one of the quarry's and swum, without parents, for a good four hours, which was the highlight of the trip. E changed soooo much when Shelby showed up, and it was like she was back, and the world was great. She brought the go pro and filmed Shelby and I jumping off Bluff, i think that's what it was called, and all of the other cliffs there. It was really fun, and I will now be scouting Vermont for any quarries to share with friends. After we stopped swimming for lunch, Emma went to go call her mom and scout some more filming opportunities, and Shelby and I talked about skiing. Turns out, we are a lot alike and even know some of the same people. Shelby reminded me of how much I love skiing, which in turn reminded me of how much I truly love home. After shelby had gone home, and said goodbye to me and E, my mom and I had to go home, and so off we went, with many goodbyes. The two people I will miss most of the trip are Shelby, even though I don't really know her, and Julia, who is basically my godmother. Everything about Julia reminds me of home, and family.
So on the trip back, after our unfortunate car incident, and the extra night in the super nice hotel, I sat in the air-conditioned (woohoo!) rental car and pondered home. Even though my house might not be my home for the rest of my life, okay even though my house WON'T be the place I live for the rest of my life, I will always consider it the most mine. This is the house, out of about ten, that I remember and probably love the most. My sister basically grew up here, and so did my brother and I. One day, when I'm old and sitting at my kitchen table, I'll think about how much my dad played his stupid piano, and even though I said I hated it, I almost certainly loved it. I'll remember how every night, regardless of what time it was or if she was even awake, I would give my mother a good night kiss. I'll remember the many times I went into my brothers room to steal his big comfy shirts, or play on his computer. I'll remember bonding over lego batman with him. I'll remember eating ice cream with Sophie, and watching bones on the wii, even when we wanted to tear each others throats out. Because home doesn't just mean a wii or an xbox, home means the place that you can go when nowhere else feels right. I don't have many more years of being a kid, sitting at the dinner table goofing off with my family. because in two years, Gabe will be gone, and then in three I"LL be gone. It's scary to think of how quickly the only life I've ever know is ending. Scary but exciting, because I know I'll have my parents to be there for me.
So home isn't just my family, but that is the biggest part. Friends make up a large part too, but only the friends I feel that I've made a real and true connection with. Meredith, the longest friend I've had, who I am just like, and who I love to death. Emmy, her best friend completes the trio, and I also love Emmy. A few others are Kara, and although we might not be on good terms when school comes, I truly miss Christine. Sophia is my other sister, and Ian is my other brother who I wish was my age. Megan, when nobody else is around. All the waterbury girls who I play soccer with, and Olivia and Julia, maybe even Liddy, because I liked her out of the context of hood. Lucy, of course, I spend the whole summer with her. There are others, but these are some.
Skiing is home, the water is home, a candy shop is definitely home, and the love in my heart for all of these things is home. So thank you to my parents, who encourage me to push myself, support me in my dreams, allow me to go to a wonderful school, who put me on my first pair of skis, and who love me so much. Thank you Gabe for being my first best friend, and a really good brother, and thank you Sophie for reminding me of how fast times goes, and making me love you. Thank you to my friends who make me a better person, and who are there for me when I really need it, and even when I don't want you there. Thank you to all of the things that have shaped me, and lastly, thank you second grade teacher who asked me about home and made me realize who and what matters most, and how much I will always love home.
"This is a place that I don't feel alone.
This is a place that I can call my home."
some of the wonderful people (and cats) that i love
This weekend my mom and I drove to Rockport, Mass. to visit some old friends. We stayed with my mom's friend who has a daughter my age. When my brother was really little, and I wasn't even born, my mother and this women had met, and their sons had played together. Then I was born, and the daughter was born, and we were really close growing up, until we moved away to Vermont. We saw them a lot until last year they couldn't make it up to visit. So we figured that we would do it this time. The house was beautiful, as was the setting, and it was so peaceful and relaxing. But E, as she will be called, had changed. A lot. She was standoffish, and we didn't really get along. I mean we did, but not anywhere near as well as we used to. On the last day I was there, we met E's friend Shelby, who I really liked. As coincidence would have it, Shelby was also a ski racer, and will be attending CVA (carrabasset valley academy, another skiing school in Maine) in November. We went to one of the quarry's and swum, without parents, for a good four hours, which was the highlight of the trip. E changed soooo much when Shelby showed up, and it was like she was back, and the world was great. She brought the go pro and filmed Shelby and I jumping off Bluff, i think that's what it was called, and all of the other cliffs there. It was really fun, and I will now be scouting Vermont for any quarries to share with friends. After we stopped swimming for lunch, Emma went to go call her mom and scout some more filming opportunities, and Shelby and I talked about skiing. Turns out, we are a lot alike and even know some of the same people. Shelby reminded me of how much I love skiing, which in turn reminded me of how much I truly love home. After shelby had gone home, and said goodbye to me and E, my mom and I had to go home, and so off we went, with many goodbyes. The two people I will miss most of the trip are Shelby, even though I don't really know her, and Julia, who is basically my godmother. Everything about Julia reminds me of home, and family.
So on the trip back, after our unfortunate car incident, and the extra night in the super nice hotel, I sat in the air-conditioned (woohoo!) rental car and pondered home. Even though my house might not be my home for the rest of my life, okay even though my house WON'T be the place I live for the rest of my life, I will always consider it the most mine. This is the house, out of about ten, that I remember and probably love the most. My sister basically grew up here, and so did my brother and I. One day, when I'm old and sitting at my kitchen table, I'll think about how much my dad played his stupid piano, and even though I said I hated it, I almost certainly loved it. I'll remember how every night, regardless of what time it was or if she was even awake, I would give my mother a good night kiss. I'll remember the many times I went into my brothers room to steal his big comfy shirts, or play on his computer. I'll remember bonding over lego batman with him. I'll remember eating ice cream with Sophie, and watching bones on the wii, even when we wanted to tear each others throats out. Because home doesn't just mean a wii or an xbox, home means the place that you can go when nowhere else feels right. I don't have many more years of being a kid, sitting at the dinner table goofing off with my family. because in two years, Gabe will be gone, and then in three I"LL be gone. It's scary to think of how quickly the only life I've ever know is ending. Scary but exciting, because I know I'll have my parents to be there for me.
So home isn't just my family, but that is the biggest part. Friends make up a large part too, but only the friends I feel that I've made a real and true connection with. Meredith, the longest friend I've had, who I am just like, and who I love to death. Emmy, her best friend completes the trio, and I also love Emmy. A few others are Kara, and although we might not be on good terms when school comes, I truly miss Christine. Sophia is my other sister, and Ian is my other brother who I wish was my age. Megan, when nobody else is around. All the waterbury girls who I play soccer with, and Olivia and Julia, maybe even Liddy, because I liked her out of the context of hood. Lucy, of course, I spend the whole summer with her. There are others, but these are some.
Skiing is home, the water is home, a candy shop is definitely home, and the love in my heart for all of these things is home. So thank you to my parents, who encourage me to push myself, support me in my dreams, allow me to go to a wonderful school, who put me on my first pair of skis, and who love me so much. Thank you Gabe for being my first best friend, and a really good brother, and thank you Sophie for reminding me of how fast times goes, and making me love you. Thank you to my friends who make me a better person, and who are there for me when I really need it, and even when I don't want you there. Thank you to all of the things that have shaped me, and lastly, thank you second grade teacher who asked me about home and made me realize who and what matters most, and how much I will always love home.
"This is a place that I don't feel alone.
This is a place that I can call my home."
some of the wonderful people (and cats) that i love
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Chase Is On
Recently, I fell in love with a certain rapper (I shall not divulge HOODIE ALLEN who) and his video The Chase Is On, mostly because a certain actress (i shall also not SOFIA BLACK D'ELIA divulge who) is in it, and they are adorable. But also because the song holds much more than just a rapper pursuing a pretty girl. It means so much more to me, because right now, I'm in the middle of an intense chase. Running up the mountain, biking, the endless strength sessions, the endless road running, and ALL of the schoolwork. I am chasing a dream, and fighting hard to keep it. And it's unbelievably scary. Because while college is still years away (but only two!) the thought of it keeps me up at night, way later than it should. I am so worried that I won't get into any good colleges, that I will end up going to a terrible school, and I'll have to face my parents, and give me the look I hate, the pity look. I hate hate hate that look more than anything, except catty girls, which I have more than an amply supply of.
But back to my pursuit. I am chasing a better version of myself, so close in my reach, so that the working out, and dedication and the hope that I am carrying have all been for something. Because if they haven't, honestly I would probably lose myself in a world of drugs and alcohol, so that the pain would go away. I have actually been tempted to do this many times, just to make the pain go away. But the typical prude I am, I didn't. Because what would come then? Getting knocked up, getting aids, or selling myself into prostitution, or even worse, becoming a drug dealer? That would depress me even more, and I'd probably kill myself. But I am getting way ahead of myself. Sometimes I imagine that I am all grown up, in a big house with a loving husband and healthy children. I am a powerful person, having graduated from a prestigious university, and my children are good people, as are my husband and myself. We grow old together and are happy. But what if I don't ever find love, and grow old, having gone to a terrible college, and have no friends and only cats? So while I may not be, in reality chasing a good husband, theoretically I am. At least in my mind. I'm crazy, I know.
"I'll be makin' good on my promises,
Honesty is confidence
Lot of it is missin' but i realize
I could be better than i was
Lighter on my feet
Cookin up this soul when we fire up the beat
Light the fire underneath me, higher when i speak
Like im climbin up a steep tree"- HA
just cause i love it so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZunGEL-jD-Y
But back to my pursuit. I am chasing a better version of myself, so close in my reach, so that the working out, and dedication and the hope that I am carrying have all been for something. Because if they haven't, honestly I would probably lose myself in a world of drugs and alcohol, so that the pain would go away. I have actually been tempted to do this many times, just to make the pain go away. But the typical prude I am, I didn't. Because what would come then? Getting knocked up, getting aids, or selling myself into prostitution, or even worse, becoming a drug dealer? That would depress me even more, and I'd probably kill myself. But I am getting way ahead of myself. Sometimes I imagine that I am all grown up, in a big house with a loving husband and healthy children. I am a powerful person, having graduated from a prestigious university, and my children are good people, as are my husband and myself. We grow old together and are happy. But what if I don't ever find love, and grow old, having gone to a terrible college, and have no friends and only cats? So while I may not be, in reality chasing a good husband, theoretically I am. At least in my mind. I'm crazy, I know.
"I'll be makin' good on my promises,
Honesty is confidence
Lot of it is missin' but i realize
I could be better than i was
Lighter on my feet
Cookin up this soul when we fire up the beat
Light the fire underneath me, higher when i speak
Like im climbin up a steep tree"- HA
just cause i love it so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZunGEL-jD-Y
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Scaredy Cat
I have so much that I don't have the courage to say. So much I wish I could do, so much i wish I could be. I hope I can find the courage to share it one day.
"so many things we wanted to say, but could not. So many things we wanted to do, but did not."
Is a life full of regrets really a life?
"so many things we wanted to say, but could not. So many things we wanted to do, but did not."
Is a life full of regrets really a life?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
What's Important
Every day of my life, I have known that I was loved. As unfair as the world may seem, or unnavigable or just plain scary, I have always had my parents, brother and sister to count on. I might not have felt it in all moments of every day, but in the end they were there when it felt like nobody else was. I suppose I have to credit a lot, maybe even all, of myself to my family. Whether I choose to admit it or not, I'm a lot like them. And I love them. If my house were burning down they would be the things I save, along with the dog and cats.
A lot of people in this world aren't as lucky as I am. And I am really lucky. I live in a house, with my family who is relatively normal, and who love me. I get to go to a private school where I do something I love every single day. I am healthy, I am safe, I am alive. Sometimes I lose sight of this, and get extremely mad at my parents for some great injustice. A lot of people in this world are struggling so hard just to live, that it's almost unfair for me to be complaining about anything. And I try not to because it's the right thing to do.
Life is surprising. Many things turn out different than you hope or plan, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Things I once thought were important to me, such as certain friends, aren't important at all. But some of my very close friends, some who i've known for ten years (yay anniversary!) and some for a mere matter of months are near and dear to my heart. It's important to make friends and family a priority, because even though we all die and we are all relatively alone when we do, it's good to know that you are and were loved.
There is a lot of talk about love, and many smart and eloquent people have tried to define it. Love means many different things to many different people, and there are all sorts of loves. My parents love me, so they make me run up mountains. I love filling a blank page with words. My brother loves call of duty. My sister loves pissing others off, and she loves being like me. The world is filled with people who love, and its sad to me that so many bad things happen here. At the end of my life, I want to look back and think, I did something. Which is almost impossible, because when you die, no matter how famous you become, you will be forgotten. Except by the people who loved you.
"And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how they might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for them"
A lot of people in this world aren't as lucky as I am. And I am really lucky. I live in a house, with my family who is relatively normal, and who love me. I get to go to a private school where I do something I love every single day. I am healthy, I am safe, I am alive. Sometimes I lose sight of this, and get extremely mad at my parents for some great injustice. A lot of people in this world are struggling so hard just to live, that it's almost unfair for me to be complaining about anything. And I try not to because it's the right thing to do.
Life is surprising. Many things turn out different than you hope or plan, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Things I once thought were important to me, such as certain friends, aren't important at all. But some of my very close friends, some who i've known for ten years (yay anniversary!) and some for a mere matter of months are near and dear to my heart. It's important to make friends and family a priority, because even though we all die and we are all relatively alone when we do, it's good to know that you are and were loved.
There is a lot of talk about love, and many smart and eloquent people have tried to define it. Love means many different things to many different people, and there are all sorts of loves. My parents love me, so they make me run up mountains. I love filling a blank page with words. My brother loves call of duty. My sister loves pissing others off, and she loves being like me. The world is filled with people who love, and its sad to me that so many bad things happen here. At the end of my life, I want to look back and think, I did something. Which is almost impossible, because when you die, no matter how famous you become, you will be forgotten. Except by the people who loved you.
"And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how they might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for them"
Sunday, July 22, 2012
In the moment
I feel the need to write. Let me rephrase that, when I'm in a soul searching and slightly depressive mood, or I've just seen some weird movie, I feel the need to document. Maybe one day I'll look back on this writing and think, wow I was pathetic, but for now everybody has a blog, so hell i'm going to have a blog. Anyways, on to the writing part. Sometimes I feel like my classmates look at me as though I'm from a different world, that I'm bossy and maybe even stupid and while they know what's going on in life, I definitely do not. In these moments, or more often days and weeks, I feel extremely alone. Then I remind myself that I don't want to be like these people. I mean, sure I like some of them and some of them are really good people with good hearts, but the majority aren't. Long ago (more like a year) I decided that people will think what they will think. People are mean. It's human nature, and I know that I am mean sometimes, because everybody is at some point. But I decided, after a particularly long bout of fighting/ bullying by a girl who shares my nickname, that I can't let myself be trampled on by naysayers. It brings me down, and it worries my mother. And even though I am sometimes a brat, I really do love her. Back to my main point. I decided that I was finally going to stand up for myself, and that even if it put me in a terrible social situation, and make some people dislike me immensely, I was going to be me, and nobody was going to change me. This revelation was quite helpful. I don't look in mirrors and hate myself, I don't let other people lead me, and I pick my friends based on the people they are, not the status they carry. Sure I have bad days, but overall I'm good. And I try really hard to be good, even if it doesn't always show. I have all of this to owe, even though I don't really like to admit it, to a bully who shall remain nameless. So even though I'm sure not many will see this writing, I hope those who do take a good message away.
Your personality is you. Your looks and your friends and your status might all be a part of you, but your personality is the most important. Don't ever let yourself lose it and don't let others try to define it. Hold it as you would the life of a family member, and don't ever let it fade. Okay, that's my message for the night.
Do I sound full of wisdom? I'm really not. Ask me a question about life and I will probably only give you half an answer. Still searching for the answers because even though I sometimes like to pretend I'm elderly and learned in the ways of the world, I'm not.
And thus, a journey begins.
Your personality is you. Your looks and your friends and your status might all be a part of you, but your personality is the most important. Don't ever let yourself lose it and don't let others try to define it. Hold it as you would the life of a family member, and don't ever let it fade. Okay, that's my message for the night.
Do I sound full of wisdom? I'm really not. Ask me a question about life and I will probably only give you half an answer. Still searching for the answers because even though I sometimes like to pretend I'm elderly and learned in the ways of the world, I'm not.
And thus, a journey begins.
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