When I first heard of the Newtown shooting, I had just stepped into class. I was fine for a little, but then I had to leave, discreetly. I locked myself in the downstairs bathroom and cried. I couldn't stop, and I didn't even know why. Eventually, I calmed myself down, went back up to class, and made it through the day. But I pushed it out of my mind, all weekend. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to write about it. I busied myself with material possessions and unimportant thoughts just so I wouldn't have to see the faces. Then last night I was on facebook, and there were still many posts about it, so I decided to do some research. I looked up everyone who was killed, got their photos, got their bios, and spent a good half hour just looking at their faces. It made me so sad.
These kids had the world in their hands, these teachers were loved an cherished by all. Most of them died trying to protect their students. They'll never get the chance to see what they could have become. They'll never even get a chance to grow up.
This sadness envelopes me in a dark shroud, makes me want to curl up into a ball and not move forever. This sadness makes me want to run away, to try and forget, but I know I never will. What if someone had done something, anything, different? What if school had been cancelled that day, what if the gunman had been taken before he took anyone? The possibilities and what ifs are endless, just as they would have been if these kids had survived. This sadness makes me want to die, just like these people did.
But it also infuriates me. I have one question. How can you honestly look into the innocent eyes of a six year old, and pull the trigger? How can you take away something so precious so fast and uncaringly? I cringe even thinking about it.
And it scares me. What if it was my sister, or my brother, or my parents or my friends, or my teachers, or even me who had been killed? What would happen then? I have always wondered what happens to you after you die. Do you float about for a while, just like a ghost? Is there a heaven, and you have to ascend through the clouds, and pass the pearly gates to get to it? Do you just stay in blackness, or are you even conscious? Again, the possibilities are endless.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's all I can think about. I can't even comprehend losing a child. That is one of the saddest things in the world, having to bury your own children. The things you brought into this world, with so much love, and tried so hard to protect and keep safe, just gone, snatched away as though a cold blust of wind has taken them, and nothing to replace them? Honestly I think that is the saddest part of it all. The fact that there is no happy ending to this story, that these kids, and these people, will never come back. I think of their parents and siblings, their friends and families. It breaks my heart, it breaks my mind.
I've been taught to believe that eventually, things work themselves out. There are usually happy endings, the boy gets the girl, and they walk off into the sun, happy music playing as the picture fades into black. This time it won't.
We all miss you. Rest in peace little ones. You will always be missed, you will always be loved, you will never be forgotten. We love you so much.
"In the arms of the angels, there's no need to fear."
"Give me love, like her. Because lately I've been waking up alone."
"This is pouring rain, this is paradise."
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