When I learned how to ride a bike (to be honest, it took me a while, because i loved how pretty my tricycle was), my dad, in his infinite wisdom, told me that I was never allowed to let the bike control me, I was the superior being riding the bike, and it was therefore up to me to control it, and that is always how I should think of it. This attitude stuck with me throughout elementary school, and I wasn't really one of those kids who was going to keep quiet to my fellow peers when they did something that I didn't like (adults were a different story).
But then, middle school happened all at once, and I kind of lost myself, as people tend to do. I didn't belong, and I knew it, and I felt like everyone else was mocking me for it. This continued throughout, oh, maybe eighth or ninth grade, at which point I took a good look in the mirror and told myself, "This is ridiculous, go find some friends." So I did, and for the first time in a what seemed like forever, I found myself. But then, tenth grade rolled around, and with it, a whole new host of insecurities and un-sureness. At times during the year, life has been pretty good, largely due to the fact that my attitude towards, well, everyone, has improved a lot. Although, I'm not afraid to admit that, yes, I am a harsh person, who doesn't take well to not being listened to, and people she doesn't like. Anyways, i again felt like I'd found myself. And then the end of racing season rolled around, and all the kids who were good made it to the next level of racing, yaddah yaddah. Never having ever been one of those kids, I felt like I wasn't really missing out on experiences, because they weren't experiences I've ever had. But I found myself slowly sinking into the pit of despair, and it wasn't until last week that I pulled myself out by, again, looking in the mirror and saying, "this is just ridiculous. Stop wallowing about and go have fun like a normal fifteen/sixteen year old. God."
Some of this has to do with the fact that it is the end of winter. As far as my opinion goes, I'm beyond done with slalom and super-g, and gs is just closing in on the done mark. I want spring skiing, for maybe a week (meaning no training thank you very much Dave), and then I want the snow to go away, the mud to go away, the slush to go away. I want sun-baked dirt roads, and rivers that are infinitely cooler than the air that surrounds them.
Not having any direct connections to mother nature makes this virtually impossible, but hey, can't a girl dream? Anyways, it's time for me to stop being such a depressing little girl, and accept that another year has gone by, and that what I'm feeling is most likely just a product of nostalgia, and not real remorse.
So, I will be pulling myself up by my bootstraps, putting on my race blinders (points to whoever remembers who and when this saying happened), and any other clever metaphors you can think of. In short- I'm going to start enjoying life again, and stop trudging across campus like the sullen bear I am.
Because life is much more fun in technicolor.
"The sun's in the sky, its warming up your bare legs
You can't deny your looking for the sunset"
"rock it to the break of day, don't stop rocking now, no way"
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Everything has Changed
I- unlike everyone in my family- am a late sleeper. I guess I like waking up as the sun slowly creeps in my window, hearing the sounds of the world and laying there, with enough sleep, feeling serene. But lately, I haven't slept in much. Maybe it's because I have to get up, or I've been going to bed really early, or maybe my subconscious has decided that I don't really like sleeping in as much as I thought.
This morning I got up really early. I'm all alone at my house, and my friend had slept over to keep me company. She had to go to work, so I had to get up anyway, but I decided to stay and up and watch the sun rise. So I sat in the big red chair downstairs, with the fire going, blanket draped loosely over me, with a mug of tea, and watched the sun light up the beautiful place I call home. Scene out of a movie right? Well as I sat there, watching the world change, I realized how much I've changed in the course of my entire life. In sixteen (well almost) short years, I've gone from amoeba to person. And I've become a totally different person. Obviously, the last few years have been the most change emotionally, as well as physically. I've gone from innocent little seventh grader, to a sarcastic teenager, who, in reality is kind of a bitch. But in the last few months, I've changed even more. For one, I've started to realize what I want to do with my life, started realizing that, in a few short years I will have to take care of myself, which I haven't exactly had to do yet. But it's more than that. This whole year has felt like the final chapter of a book. I'm going from a J3 to a FIS kid. I'm going into eleventh grade. My friends are changing, my attitude is changing, my opinions are changing. Everything is changing. It's frightening, because it makes me realize, and really understand that someday, this will all be gone. I'll be dead, everyone I've ever loved and known will be dead, everything I know will be gone. Even the mountains, the formidable mountains, a superpower which rise over the valley I love, which greet me every morning, which feel endless, will someday be gone.
When I was little, I didn't understand death. I didn't understand why my dad didn't have his own dad, because everyone I knew had a dad. I didn't understand why my mom didn't have a dad, because, don't you have to have a dad? I didn't understand why, when we moved to Vermont, my parents had to change their will, to who would take care of us. I always just assumed that they would always be there, that they would always take care of me. I always assumed that they would never get older like my Nana, like the Schneider's, or the MaClay's next door. I didn't understand why our neighbor's baby never came home from the hospital. But I see it now. I see it in their faces, I know one day they'll die. And I know they are scared. I know that I'm scared.
So I've changed, because a few years ago, I would never have thought like anything like this. And I didn't realize I was changing, but I guess we never do until the change has really set in. One of the things this blog has done for me is give me a creative outlet, somewhere I can write my feelings, my thoughts. Because I never did before, believing that they weren't important, or even coherent.
I also realize that sometimes, I talk like I know everything, just because I'm so scared. The reality is this- I know almost nothing. Because next year, and the year after that, I'll again be thinking how much I have changed. I'll be going back and looking at this blog, and realizing I had no idea what I was talking about, and that I probably won't ever know. All the adults in my life seem so sure that they know what life is all about. I wonder if they act this way because they are scared, of the inevitable, of death. Because aren't we all?
When March is over, and April break ends, this chapter of my life will be over. This book of my life will be over. And I'm not really sure how to feel about it. But I'm never sure of anything, as we can;t ever be. The only thing I can ever be sure of is this- I will die, and anything and anyone I've ever loved will die too.
This should depress me. Which to some degree, it does. But to another, it doesn't. Because I'm reminded that change is inevitable, that it must happen, just like death does. Because change always gives way to something new, and if we didn't all die, then there would be no more room in the world, and I would be depriving others of life. So I see my death, and the death of everything, as a gift of life to someone else. It's something that must, and will, happen.
Although it's still sad.
"I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms"
This morning I got up really early. I'm all alone at my house, and my friend had slept over to keep me company. She had to go to work, so I had to get up anyway, but I decided to stay and up and watch the sun rise. So I sat in the big red chair downstairs, with the fire going, blanket draped loosely over me, with a mug of tea, and watched the sun light up the beautiful place I call home. Scene out of a movie right? Well as I sat there, watching the world change, I realized how much I've changed in the course of my entire life. In sixteen (well almost) short years, I've gone from amoeba to person. And I've become a totally different person. Obviously, the last few years have been the most change emotionally, as well as physically. I've gone from innocent little seventh grader, to a sarcastic teenager, who, in reality is kind of a bitch. But in the last few months, I've changed even more. For one, I've started to realize what I want to do with my life, started realizing that, in a few short years I will have to take care of myself, which I haven't exactly had to do yet. But it's more than that. This whole year has felt like the final chapter of a book. I'm going from a J3 to a FIS kid. I'm going into eleventh grade. My friends are changing, my attitude is changing, my opinions are changing. Everything is changing. It's frightening, because it makes me realize, and really understand that someday, this will all be gone. I'll be dead, everyone I've ever loved and known will be dead, everything I know will be gone. Even the mountains, the formidable mountains, a superpower which rise over the valley I love, which greet me every morning, which feel endless, will someday be gone.
When I was little, I didn't understand death. I didn't understand why my dad didn't have his own dad, because everyone I knew had a dad. I didn't understand why my mom didn't have a dad, because, don't you have to have a dad? I didn't understand why, when we moved to Vermont, my parents had to change their will, to who would take care of us. I always just assumed that they would always be there, that they would always take care of me. I always assumed that they would never get older like my Nana, like the Schneider's, or the MaClay's next door. I didn't understand why our neighbor's baby never came home from the hospital. But I see it now. I see it in their faces, I know one day they'll die. And I know they are scared. I know that I'm scared.
So I've changed, because a few years ago, I would never have thought like anything like this. And I didn't realize I was changing, but I guess we never do until the change has really set in. One of the things this blog has done for me is give me a creative outlet, somewhere I can write my feelings, my thoughts. Because I never did before, believing that they weren't important, or even coherent.
I also realize that sometimes, I talk like I know everything, just because I'm so scared. The reality is this- I know almost nothing. Because next year, and the year after that, I'll again be thinking how much I have changed. I'll be going back and looking at this blog, and realizing I had no idea what I was talking about, and that I probably won't ever know. All the adults in my life seem so sure that they know what life is all about. I wonder if they act this way because they are scared, of the inevitable, of death. Because aren't we all?
When March is over, and April break ends, this chapter of my life will be over. This book of my life will be over. And I'm not really sure how to feel about it. But I'm never sure of anything, as we can;t ever be. The only thing I can ever be sure of is this- I will die, and anything and anyone I've ever loved will die too.
This should depress me. Which to some degree, it does. But to another, it doesn't. Because I'm reminded that change is inevitable, that it must happen, just like death does. Because change always gives way to something new, and if we didn't all die, then there would be no more room in the world, and I would be depriving others of life. So I see my death, and the death of everything, as a gift of life to someone else. It's something that must, and will, happen.
Although it's still sad.
"I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms"
“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”
"Baby shoes for sale, never used."
(credit to Hemingway, and Sammi for showing it to me)
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I Found You
So, I'm pretty sure I've already wrote about friends on this blog, but as a fifteen year old girl with not much else to do in the middle of March, one runs outs of things to write about. So calm down.
Today was a pretty good day. It had nothing to do with the skiing (meh), for once. Well, it had nothing to do with the racing for once. After our race, my coach took two other girls and I out to ski while we waited for the boys to finish their race at Okemo. And it was great. There really aren't any other words to describe that perfect skiing experience. The really fun thing about it were the chairlift rides when I couldn't stop laughing, and there were no awkward silences or glares. Because while I don't really know any of the parties who were on the chairlift extremely well, it was just the timing. Because life was happening, and I was participating, the sun was shining, the snow was good, the company was perfect, and the mountain was infinite.
This weekend wasn't such a great one for me, racing wise. But it was okay, because I found a new friend. Well, not exactly a new friend, but a really nice person, who when I hit him, he hit right back. Scarily, he reminded me of my brother in more ways than one. Because, after I got disqualified on my first run, I sat at the bottom of the course with him laughing at everyone, and how funny people looked. He even gave me a piggy back ride, and my crappy day turned into an adventure.
When I was about ten, my dad told me that it's not the destination that makes a trip, it's the people. I, being the sarcastic and annoying ten year old that I was, gave him a look and a "huh?" But the more that I think about it, the more that I realize he's right. Because every time that I've been in a bad place, it's been my friends who've brought me back. And I do the same for them, because that's what you do for a friend. The other day, my friend came over to her house and told me this story about her boyfriend, in which she had spent, like, years searching for the pair of shoes he wanted. And I asked her why she did all these things for him, and she looked me straight in the eyes, with no hesitation, and told me "because that's what you do when you love somebody." And that really stuck with me.
I got my really close friend a pair of earrings for her birthday, and she was really happy to get them. When I told my mom about it, and how excited I was that I'd made someone that happy, she was all grumpy, and said, "Well she isn't going to get you anything for your birthday." The thing is, I already knew that. And I still spent the twenty bucks on the earrings, and I still took a while to make that card, and I still took even longer to write the message on the card. Because I really love this girl, and she really deserved those earrings. I also realized that I don't even want anything from her for my birthday, because seeing how happy she was, was good enough for me.
I love the people who make my life so fun, because I have a really fun life. I love the friends who tolerate me on my best days and my worst days, I love the friends who will do weird accents to make fake cooking shows with me. I love the friends who let me be myself, with no judgement. There really is no way to get through life without friends.
Another thing my dad told me was, "Someday, I really hope we can be friends. Because I really love you." And though I would never directly tell him this, there is nothing I'd like more than to be his friend. Because I really love him too.
"This isn't sometimes, Yeah it's for always.
I'm gonna love you with all my heart"
"Sometimes, people make the world move, walking in their own shoes, and fill my world with hope again, hope again.
Today was a pretty good day. It had nothing to do with the skiing (meh), for once. Well, it had nothing to do with the racing for once. After our race, my coach took two other girls and I out to ski while we waited for the boys to finish their race at Okemo. And it was great. There really aren't any other words to describe that perfect skiing experience. The really fun thing about it were the chairlift rides when I couldn't stop laughing, and there were no awkward silences or glares. Because while I don't really know any of the parties who were on the chairlift extremely well, it was just the timing. Because life was happening, and I was participating, the sun was shining, the snow was good, the company was perfect, and the mountain was infinite.
This weekend wasn't such a great one for me, racing wise. But it was okay, because I found a new friend. Well, not exactly a new friend, but a really nice person, who when I hit him, he hit right back. Scarily, he reminded me of my brother in more ways than one. Because, after I got disqualified on my first run, I sat at the bottom of the course with him laughing at everyone, and how funny people looked. He even gave me a piggy back ride, and my crappy day turned into an adventure.
When I was about ten, my dad told me that it's not the destination that makes a trip, it's the people. I, being the sarcastic and annoying ten year old that I was, gave him a look and a "huh?" But the more that I think about it, the more that I realize he's right. Because every time that I've been in a bad place, it's been my friends who've brought me back. And I do the same for them, because that's what you do for a friend. The other day, my friend came over to her house and told me this story about her boyfriend, in which she had spent, like, years searching for the pair of shoes he wanted. And I asked her why she did all these things for him, and she looked me straight in the eyes, with no hesitation, and told me "because that's what you do when you love somebody." And that really stuck with me.
I got my really close friend a pair of earrings for her birthday, and she was really happy to get them. When I told my mom about it, and how excited I was that I'd made someone that happy, she was all grumpy, and said, "Well she isn't going to get you anything for your birthday." The thing is, I already knew that. And I still spent the twenty bucks on the earrings, and I still took a while to make that card, and I still took even longer to write the message on the card. Because I really love this girl, and she really deserved those earrings. I also realized that I don't even want anything from her for my birthday, because seeing how happy she was, was good enough for me.
I love the people who make my life so fun, because I have a really fun life. I love the friends who tolerate me on my best days and my worst days, I love the friends who will do weird accents to make fake cooking shows with me. I love the friends who let me be myself, with no judgement. There really is no way to get through life without friends.
Another thing my dad told me was, "Someday, I really hope we can be friends. Because I really love you." And though I would never directly tell him this, there is nothing I'd like more than to be his friend. Because I really love him too.
"This isn't sometimes, Yeah it's for always.
I'm gonna love you with all my heart"
"Sometimes, people make the world move, walking in their own shoes, and fill my world with hope again, hope again.
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Perpetual Self
If I made a movie about my life, I wouldn't change anything. My family, my friends, my school life, my skiing, nothing, nothing at all. And not because I think I'm an inspiration, not because I'm a good person , or that I'm particularly amazing at anything, or even the fact that I want my life to be a film, or that I think it deserves to be a film. It would be for none of these things. I would make my life into a movie, changing nothing, because it would be accurate. Because nothing is really accurate at portraying at what being a human being is like. It would be the exact length of my life, no edits, no cuts, no manipulation to make the actors more attractive. Nothing at all.
I would even go so far as to use someone ugly for myself. Because my definition of ugly is this: normal. People today are portrayed as though they have to be perfect. And a lot of people say how wrong this is, but I don't really see anybody doing anything extremely drastic to change this. Because the actors are still pretty, and rail thin. The clothes are still expensive and ridiculous. Nobody works, goes to school or even to the bathroom in these films. And lets face it, the biggest problems they are facing is that they dropped their barbies, or have too many gorgeous pieces of man candy to choose from. Is that what we really want to be seen as? In the future, when the humans are all dead, and some aliens look at our relics, is this what we really want them to see?
Do we want them to see how hateful we are? Or how we portray ourselves as perfect? Do we want them to see the wars, the greed, the needy, the poverty? Do we want them to see how flawed we are? Or de we want them to see the compassion? The beauty of our life, the peace we tried to find?
I was talking with my friend the other day about god and religion. Being that she's a religious person and we didn't exactly agree with each other she probably wasn't the best person to talk to, but whatever. the conclusion I came to was this- people believe in god because they are scared. Nobody knows what happens when we die, and on the inside everyone is just petrified of what will become of them. To combat this, they create religion, a failsafe way for them to say that there is something waiting for them after they die. And honestly, I don't blame them. Because without a guarantee that something good will become of you once you're laid in the ground to rot, life after death can seem pretty daunting.
Actually, life is just daunting in general. It's petrifying to think about growing up. But it's the kind of petrifying that feels you with an exhilaration, like there's an entire part of life that I don't even know. Thinking about this part of life, is almost exactly the same as thinking about death. Because it's the unknown, it's the incomprehensible. It's the exhilarating and the terrifying.
When I die, I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I will go to hell for not believing in god, or if i'll get to explore space as a ghost, or if I'll have to haunt the earth. I don't know if there will be another world to go to, a whole new life to create. I just don't know, and the reality of this is that there isn't a way for me to figure out what it will be like.
So, for now, I'll have to settle for being alive, and starting my real life. I can worry about death later, I guess. But I think the fear that is always perpetually in the back of my head will be enough to keep me wondering.
"I've traveled a long way, and it sure took a long time.
I remember all the days I waited so patiently
Well, I've traveled a long way, and sure waited a long time
to find it, to find it."
I would even go so far as to use someone ugly for myself. Because my definition of ugly is this: normal. People today are portrayed as though they have to be perfect. And a lot of people say how wrong this is, but I don't really see anybody doing anything extremely drastic to change this. Because the actors are still pretty, and rail thin. The clothes are still expensive and ridiculous. Nobody works, goes to school or even to the bathroom in these films. And lets face it, the biggest problems they are facing is that they dropped their barbies, or have too many gorgeous pieces of man candy to choose from. Is that what we really want to be seen as? In the future, when the humans are all dead, and some aliens look at our relics, is this what we really want them to see?
Do we want them to see how hateful we are? Or how we portray ourselves as perfect? Do we want them to see the wars, the greed, the needy, the poverty? Do we want them to see how flawed we are? Or de we want them to see the compassion? The beauty of our life, the peace we tried to find?
I was talking with my friend the other day about god and religion. Being that she's a religious person and we didn't exactly agree with each other she probably wasn't the best person to talk to, but whatever. the conclusion I came to was this- people believe in god because they are scared. Nobody knows what happens when we die, and on the inside everyone is just petrified of what will become of them. To combat this, they create religion, a failsafe way for them to say that there is something waiting for them after they die. And honestly, I don't blame them. Because without a guarantee that something good will become of you once you're laid in the ground to rot, life after death can seem pretty daunting.
Actually, life is just daunting in general. It's petrifying to think about growing up. But it's the kind of petrifying that feels you with an exhilaration, like there's an entire part of life that I don't even know. Thinking about this part of life, is almost exactly the same as thinking about death. Because it's the unknown, it's the incomprehensible. It's the exhilarating and the terrifying.
When I die, I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I will go to hell for not believing in god, or if i'll get to explore space as a ghost, or if I'll have to haunt the earth. I don't know if there will be another world to go to, a whole new life to create. I just don't know, and the reality of this is that there isn't a way for me to figure out what it will be like.
So, for now, I'll have to settle for being alive, and starting my real life. I can worry about death later, I guess. But I think the fear that is always perpetually in the back of my head will be enough to keep me wondering.
"I've traveled a long way, and it sure took a long time.
I remember all the days I waited so patiently
Well, I've traveled a long way, and sure waited a long time
to find it, to find it."
Friday, March 8, 2013
Girls Like You
I haven't really described myself a lot have I? Are you in the dark. I mean, this is my blog, maybe you're entitled to some knowledge about me? Okay. Alright. Here Goes.
Identification: Katherine. Also know as Kraisin.
Little known fact: I skip through the unhappy parts of movies/tv shows because I can't bear them. I hate european history.
Vulnerability: A word I stay far away from.
Where I see myself in ten years? Well, not here. Older, yeah older.
Something I hate: The pity look, unhappy parts of movies.
Something I love: The cat. Ice cream. Snow, skis. My house. This blog.
Something I do: Be an asshole to those who make me feel inferior.
Who would that be? Well, pretty much everyone.
Something I've learned in the past week: Chemistry's a bitch. I will do just about anything if you ask me if a british accent. Sinus infections aren't any fun. Nasal spray is worse.
What I am doing right now: Writing on this blog. Contemplating life. Eating yogurt for dinner.
Someone I'd want to be: Lena Dunham. Mikaela Shiffrin?
Something I'm afraid of: Sex. Dying alone. Life. The world.
Who do I see myself as? A person.
But who, really? I have absolutely no idea.
When all I do is try, nothing goes right. When all I do is sit back and watch, nothing goes right. When I deliberately try to mess things up, nothing goes right. When i desperately try to keep things together, nothing goes right. It seems that all I ever do is try, and all I ever do is fail.
Not to say that there isn't any good in my life, because there is. Those moments when my brother and I sing in the car together on the way to and from school. When I look at the mirror and don't think, why do i look like this? When I have more money. When food tastes good. When Amelia is a good person. When Amelia is a bad person. When Amelia whines. When I bond with Chris. When I bond with Julia, and Kai. When I'm skiing well. When i have confidence. When Kara and i partake in culinary cooking. When Kara makes my day. When Lucy has the top down, the wind stream through my hair, the sun is setting in the distance, and the world seems to only be the music coming from the stereo. When Lucy comes up. When I'm tan. When I write something really good on this blog.
But there's also bad. And I don't really want to talk about it, because my day, for once, hasn't been all that bad. But it also hasn't been marvelous. I'm working on it, though.
So I'm sitting here, writing on this blog and sitting in my bed. Wondering what to write next, and realizing, I don't know. Because I want to know a lot. Who I'm going to be, what college I'm going to, what I'm going to do when I grow up, who my next favorite tv couple will be. When I'll next be hungry. Or moody. So maybe it's time to stop wondering. Maybe it's time to start living in today rather than wonder, is this it? What's next?
But, I'm a thinker. So this can't last long. But I can try. Thats really all I can do.
"What will you do when something stops you?
What will you say to the world
What would you do if you lost your beauty?
How would you deal with the light?
How would you feel if nobody chased you?
What if it happened tonight?"
"Don't you know people write songs, about girls like you."
Identification: Katherine. Also know as Kraisin.
Little known fact: I skip through the unhappy parts of movies/tv shows because I can't bear them. I hate european history.
Vulnerability: A word I stay far away from.
Where I see myself in ten years? Well, not here. Older, yeah older.
Something I hate: The pity look, unhappy parts of movies.
Something I love: The cat. Ice cream. Snow, skis. My house. This blog.
Something I do: Be an asshole to those who make me feel inferior.
Who would that be? Well, pretty much everyone.
Something I've learned in the past week: Chemistry's a bitch. I will do just about anything if you ask me if a british accent. Sinus infections aren't any fun. Nasal spray is worse.
What I am doing right now: Writing on this blog. Contemplating life. Eating yogurt for dinner.
Someone I'd want to be: Lena Dunham. Mikaela Shiffrin?
Something I'm afraid of: Sex. Dying alone. Life. The world.
Who do I see myself as? A person.
But who, really? I have absolutely no idea.
When all I do is try, nothing goes right. When all I do is sit back and watch, nothing goes right. When I deliberately try to mess things up, nothing goes right. When i desperately try to keep things together, nothing goes right. It seems that all I ever do is try, and all I ever do is fail.
Not to say that there isn't any good in my life, because there is. Those moments when my brother and I sing in the car together on the way to and from school. When I look at the mirror and don't think, why do i look like this? When I have more money. When food tastes good. When Amelia is a good person. When Amelia is a bad person. When Amelia whines. When I bond with Chris. When I bond with Julia, and Kai. When I'm skiing well. When i have confidence. When Kara and i partake in culinary cooking. When Kara makes my day. When Lucy has the top down, the wind stream through my hair, the sun is setting in the distance, and the world seems to only be the music coming from the stereo. When Lucy comes up. When I'm tan. When I write something really good on this blog.
But there's also bad. And I don't really want to talk about it, because my day, for once, hasn't been all that bad. But it also hasn't been marvelous. I'm working on it, though.
So I'm sitting here, writing on this blog and sitting in my bed. Wondering what to write next, and realizing, I don't know. Because I want to know a lot. Who I'm going to be, what college I'm going to, what I'm going to do when I grow up, who my next favorite tv couple will be. When I'll next be hungry. Or moody. So maybe it's time to stop wondering. Maybe it's time to start living in today rather than wonder, is this it? What's next?
But, I'm a thinker. So this can't last long. But I can try. Thats really all I can do.
"What will you do when something stops you?
What will you say to the world
What would you do if you lost your beauty?
How would you deal with the light?
How would you feel if nobody chased you?
What if it happened tonight?"
"Don't you know people write songs, about girls like you."
Monday, March 4, 2013
Little Red
When I go online and look at various famous women (don't lie, we all know you do it too) I think about how smart and clever and witty they are. Like, Jennifer Lawrence for example. She's just absolutely funny because she's relatively normal, and she basically blurts out whatever is on her mind. Lena Dunham is just incredibly on it, whatever it is, Mindy Kaling is a genius, Tina Fey is a goddess, and Michelle Obama is, well, she's just Michelle Obama. There really isn't another way to describe her. I like to imagine that I'm like these people, which in reality I probably am, but I'm more like the sarcastic teenager than the whip smart, smoking hot actress who says all the right things. And I'm definitely not as comfortable as all of these people are in their own skins.
Don't get me wrong, I am a lot more comfortable with discussing girl things than most people are. Like periods, I honestly don't get what the big deal is. For god's sake, its just a little blood. And vagina's, people you all came from them, deal with the fact that you will most likely be confronted with them at some point, whether you want to be or not. And swearing. I honestly talk like a marine, and I just can't seem to figure out what bug is up people's asses about some words. Like I wouldn't get expelled for calling my teacher eloquent, but why would I for calling her a pompous bitch? It's a form of expression, and wait, hold the phone, isn't that somewhere in the doctrines of our country, maybe like the constitution? Freedom of expression? Stop me if this is ringing any bells for you.
And lesbians. God. On my bucket list is to kiss a girl. I honestly don't see what's so wrong about this. I like people for who they are, not what they are, or how they identify. So what if I think Keira Knightley has fantastic boobs, or that Sofia Black D'elia is hot as hell? What does it matter if I have a girl crush on her? Since when did society become so uptight about every damn thing. I am going to do what I am going to do, I'm going to act on how I feel, and why should I have to be branded for that?
And sex. People talk to me about sex, more than I'd like to admit. I couldn't be that casual about it. I'm not even going to pretend I could. It's a big deal to me, and I'm not going to partake in it unless I want to. I just can't understand what makes people want to do something so special with someone who isn't going to care, or someone who will be awful about it. This is what confounds me about relationships, because I haven't ever been in a serious relationship. And there's this stigma attached to it, like if I wait until I'm in a committed relationship, and if that doesn't happen for a while, why is that an invitation for people to judge me? I'll make my own decisions, and If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. I'm not going to give myself away to someone who isn't worth my time.
And why does being an asshole make you desirable? For example, Tiger Woods. I respect his ex-wife, because she didn't wait, she left his sorry ass in the dust, and took those kids with her. She was smart enough to know that anyone who does that kind of thing deserves to be left behind. But Lindsey Vonn (a really famous skiracer) is with him now. How can you forget that a person has done that sort of thing? How could you ever trust them? How can you be with that big of an asshole?
At the heart of this issue, is the fact that showing your feelings is somehow forbidden. It's secret teenage law that you don't show emotion. You can't even kiss your parents goodbye, or say that you love them in public. Why is it so wrong to do that? If I wanted to tell my mom i loved her and give her a hug, why should I be judged, or made fun of for that? There doesn't seem to be a good reason to me, To hide everything, to bottle it up, to not show things. And maybe this is why I'm not popular, because I don't understand why I have to act a certain way to be liked.
So at the risk of sounding like I'm a real angsty teenager, I will be my own person. Because I'll choose my friends based on how they act and what they're like, at all times. And don't expect me to be nice to you, if you're only nice to me when no one else is around (you know who you are).
Because humans, unlike other animals, were given the ability to feel, the ability to show emotion so clearly, that to throw it away would be like a huge middle finger to the universe. And, as we all know, if you fuck over the universe, Karma will hit you like a ten ton concrete wall, sooner or later.
And sex. People talk to me about sex, more than I'd like to admit. I couldn't be that casual about it. I'm not even going to pretend I could. It's a big deal to me, and I'm not going to partake in it unless I want to. I just can't understand what makes people want to do something so special with someone who isn't going to care, or someone who will be awful about it. This is what confounds me about relationships, because I haven't ever been in a serious relationship. And there's this stigma attached to it, like if I wait until I'm in a committed relationship, and if that doesn't happen for a while, why is that an invitation for people to judge me? I'll make my own decisions, and If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. I'm not going to give myself away to someone who isn't worth my time.
And why does being an asshole make you desirable? For example, Tiger Woods. I respect his ex-wife, because she didn't wait, she left his sorry ass in the dust, and took those kids with her. She was smart enough to know that anyone who does that kind of thing deserves to be left behind. But Lindsey Vonn (a really famous skiracer) is with him now. How can you forget that a person has done that sort of thing? How could you ever trust them? How can you be with that big of an asshole?
At the heart of this issue, is the fact that showing your feelings is somehow forbidden. It's secret teenage law that you don't show emotion. You can't even kiss your parents goodbye, or say that you love them in public. Why is it so wrong to do that? If I wanted to tell my mom i loved her and give her a hug, why should I be judged, or made fun of for that? There doesn't seem to be a good reason to me, To hide everything, to bottle it up, to not show things. And maybe this is why I'm not popular, because I don't understand why I have to act a certain way to be liked.
So at the risk of sounding like I'm a real angsty teenager, I will be my own person. Because I'll choose my friends based on how they act and what they're like, at all times. And don't expect me to be nice to you, if you're only nice to me when no one else is around (you know who you are).
Because humans, unlike other animals, were given the ability to feel, the ability to show emotion so clearly, that to throw it away would be like a huge middle finger to the universe. And, as we all know, if you fuck over the universe, Karma will hit you like a ten ton concrete wall, sooner or later.
If everybody feels the same
This is why we play these games
Rock it to the early dawn
Soon those good times will be gone
Let this be our little secret
No one needs to know we're feeling
Higher and higher and higher
Higher and higher and higher
This is why we play these games
Rock it to the early dawn
Soon those good times will be gone
Let this be our little secret
No one needs to know we're feeling
Higher and higher and higher
Higher and higher and higher
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