If I made a movie about my life, I wouldn't change anything. My family, my friends, my school life, my skiing, nothing, nothing at all. And not because I think I'm an inspiration, not because I'm a good person , or that I'm particularly amazing at anything, or even the fact that I want my life to be a film, or that I think it deserves to be a film. It would be for none of these things. I would make my life into a movie, changing nothing, because it would be accurate. Because nothing is really accurate at portraying at what being a human being is like. It would be the exact length of my life, no edits, no cuts, no manipulation to make the actors more attractive. Nothing at all.
I would even go so far as to use someone ugly for myself. Because my definition of ugly is this: normal. People today are portrayed as though they have to be perfect. And a lot of people say how wrong this is, but I don't really see anybody doing anything extremely drastic to change this. Because the actors are still pretty, and rail thin. The clothes are still expensive and ridiculous. Nobody works, goes to school or even to the bathroom in these films. And lets face it, the biggest problems they are facing is that they dropped their barbies, or have too many gorgeous pieces of man candy to choose from. Is that what we really want to be seen as? In the future, when the humans are all dead, and some aliens look at our relics, is this what we really want them to see?
Do we want them to see how hateful we are? Or how we portray ourselves as perfect? Do we want them to see the wars, the greed, the needy, the poverty? Do we want them to see how flawed we are? Or de we want them to see the compassion? The beauty of our life, the peace we tried to find?
I was talking with my friend the other day about god and religion. Being that she's a religious person and we didn't exactly agree with each other she probably wasn't the best person to talk to, but whatever. the conclusion I came to was this- people believe in god because they are scared. Nobody knows what happens when we die, and on the inside everyone is just petrified of what will become of them. To combat this, they create religion, a failsafe way for them to say that there is something waiting for them after they die. And honestly, I don't blame them. Because without a guarantee that something good will become of you once you're laid in the ground to rot, life after death can seem pretty daunting.
Actually, life is just daunting in general. It's petrifying to think about growing up. But it's the kind of petrifying that feels you with an exhilaration, like there's an entire part of life that I don't even know. Thinking about this part of life, is almost exactly the same as thinking about death. Because it's the unknown, it's the incomprehensible. It's the exhilarating and the terrifying.
When I die, I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I will go to hell for not believing in god, or if i'll get to explore space as a ghost, or if I'll have to haunt the earth. I don't know if there will be another world to go to, a whole new life to create. I just don't know, and the reality of this is that there isn't a way for me to figure out what it will be like.
So, for now, I'll have to settle for being alive, and starting my real life. I can worry about death later, I guess. But I think the fear that is always perpetually in the back of my head will be enough to keep me wondering.
"I've traveled a long way, and it sure took a long time.
I remember all the days I waited so patiently
Well, I've traveled a long way, and sure waited a long time
to find it, to find it."
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