What We Talk About When We Talk About Mental Health

So, a few nights ago i stayed at my friends house.  It was right after the circus show, and i went out with friends, and this other friend messaged me and was like, oh come over, and i was like, yolo, it's my last day of summer.  Not exactly the most intelligent strand of thought i've ever had, but I'm sixteen, I'm afforded a certain amount of stupid decisions.

So, we made a campfire and roasted marshmallows and by the time we wanted to go inside, it was like ten o'clock, and the woods were becoming creepy.  But, disaster had to rear it's ugly head, of course, and one of the older dogs had gone missing, and we had to drive around for hours looking for her, and she eventually just showed up at their house soaking wet and covered in mud.  Anyways, that's not the point of the story.

The point is the part when her mother told us that if we were to see the dog, dead on the road, we couldn't tell her, because she wouldn't have mentally been able to handle it. I mean, I believed her because she was screaming and crying and running in the road for the entire two hours the fucking dog was missing.  Like, the entire time.

But my big question was, why would you make your children, or children you know, deal with something hard like that, like a dead squished dog.  Children are the ones who are supposed to be sheltered and cared for and never have to make difficult decisions.  But lately I've realized that isn't exactly how the world works.  Because recently, I've noticed I carry a lot on my shoulders.  And a lot of it is pressure from myself, but I realized why I'm always stressed, why the panic attacks are so frequent, why the anxiety keeps me up too many nights to count.  It's because I have a lot to deal with.  It's a lot, this shitty business of growing up.  I guess it's nicer when you see adults all put together because then you have normality to look forward to.

But then I started thinking back on the many times I've seen adults acting like that.  First of all, it scares the shit out of you.  Because if our parents and teachers and uncles and aunts aren't put together, then what the hell is going to happen to an emotional sixteen year old girl?  Secondly, it makes you realize that your parents and teachers and uncles and aunts were also once your age, and also had to deal with all the bullshit of being a teenager, or, more in general, being a person.

Because it is a lot to figure out what you want to do, finish your schoolwork, workout, do well on the SATs, be a good skier, get into a good college, take care of your skis, yourself, and anybody else who needs it, and then to formulate your own opinions on EVERYTHING with constant pressure from everywhere.  And, on top of all this, you have to deal with really shitty people.  So, in short, growing up is a lot, and keeping yourself mentally in the game is a lot more.

But, in the end, I think it's worth it.  I mean, I hope it's worth it.  Because otherwise I will have put myself through hell for nothing.

And, essentially, we're all just scared, and some people know how to mentally keep themselves in check, and others don't.  I think the struggle is probably what makes a person who they are.

"Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

- thank you mr. John Green for making me feel quite a bit better. 

Ask Alice

Things can get really rough.  I mean, for a while back there, they were really, really rough.  I mean they still kind of are, but its probably the lack of sleep that's making me crankier than anything.  But that's not the point.  The point is that life can get you into some sticky situations.  And in the movies, at the end of these sticky situations, everyone bands together and like, puts their play on, makes a movie, wins something, etc.

Wouldn't it be nice if life was just like that? If there were no monsters in heads, children only spoke when spoken to, and everything ended up with a rosy tint?  Well, the truth is, a lot of the time, it isn't going to end up that way.  Not to say that it will be bad, but nothing really ever ends up the way you expect it.  I mean, at least in my sixteen years of experience.

I watched a movie about a little girl named Phoebe who was really troubled, and the movie was really sad, but it was also really full of hope.  And I usually hate movies like that, but this one really struck a chord with me.  It dealt a lot with mental illness, which is something I think should be talked about more.  Having suffered from various forms of depression, social anxiety, among other things, I can say that I sort of understand what this kid was going through, but like, not really.

The one thing I understood was how she felt.  How awful life was, how badly she felt about every single choice she made, every single person she hurt.  When Phoebe jumped from that catwalk, I understood.  I understood that all she wanted was to go down the rabbit hole, to meet Alice and to never go back.  She just wanted everyone around her to stop getting hurt, she wanted to stop feeling so badly about everything in life.  I've been there, done that.  Haven't we all?

But at the end, Phoebe didn't need Alice, or any rabbit holes or tea parties, complete with queens and painted roses.  Phoebe needed love, and guidance.  And it didn't matter who that came from, as long as it came from someone.

And in the end, it was alright.  And it always will be, because humans were meant to keep going, no matter who dies, what diagnoses come, what people disappoint, and what things are said.  And the going gets really rough, but you kind of have to stick it out, even when you feel like pulling your nails out, laying down, and accepting death.

If you don't believe me, you should go ask Alice.  Just make sure that before you jump, theres a ladder in your rabbit hole.


"Go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall."

"it's your heart, it's your life, it's pumping blood."

Everything will always turn out alright.  If it is not alright, it is not the end.