I Think, Therefore I am.

So, If i haven't told you before, my dad likes to talk. A lot.  And this morning in the car he tried to talk to me about Rene Descartes and his philosophies and such (In case you aren't familiar with him, he's the guy who said I think, therefore, I am, and was a french philosopher in the 1600-1700's i believe).

But it got me thinking about a few of the existential questions. Are we alone? Where did we come from? Why are we here?  What happens when we die?  Is any of this real?  And  I realized, I really, really want to know the answers to these questions.  I'm not content to accept this life that I've been given, because what if there is something else out there? Something better and more exciting.  Given that the universe is infinite, there are probably other forms of life out there.  I find it hard to believe that fate would be so cruel as to only put humans on a planet.  Not only cruel to humans, but to the universe in general.  Because, let's face it, we aren't exactly hot shit.  We destroy, we take things.  We're inherently hateful and spiteful creatures, who only think about ourselves and what we can do for personal gain.  Sure there's a lot of love in the world, and there are a lot of good people out there, but there is also a lot of war, hate, and generally a pretty good supply of assholes.

So I want to find something better, because I really hope there is something better.  Another thing my dad told me, "When there is no hope, there is no capacity for life."  Which, now that I think about it, is one of the most insightful and true things I've ever heard in the fifteen years that I have been on this earth.

In my lifetime, I will most likely not change the course of the world forever.  As much as I'd like to dream, as much as any of us would like to dream, reality always calls us back.  And if I do something huge with the planet, or space, it will most likely be me and a team of people.

But I can't be content to be confined to this planet, this solar system, this galaxy.  This universe.  I feel, I really and truly feel that there is something else out there.  Someone else out there.  I hope there is.  I really, really hope there is.  And hoping is what I'll have to settle for now.

Because it's the hope that will sustain me.  It's the hope that will keep me alive.

Let it be Me

Kids are awful.  I can't even begin to start to discuss this right now.  Because my sister is being bullied. And she's in sixth grade. She's just a baby.  That's how I think of her.  The annoying, and annoyingly smart baby of the family.  But she's our baby.  And she doesn't deserve this.  Because she's still so little, and so, so vulnerable.  And so terrifyingly small.

I'm sorry kiddo. You don't know how sorry I am.  You really don't.  So come and cuddle on the couch with me, and i'll give you cupcakes and tell you how beautiful you are.  Because I believe it. And so should you.

Because at the end of the day, that;s how i want to be remembered.  As the kid who protected her little sister, who held her on the couch and told her it was going to be okay.  Who went out and shut down anyone who tried to be mean to her.  Who was there for her.  It's the right thing to do.  And i want to do it for her, I'm more than happy to do it for her, because she deserves to be loved every single day.  And I want her to know that, more than anything else.

Last year, we had an anorexia talk with this lady at school.  A girl in our school was obviously anorexic.  This scared me, because I saw how skinny she was getting, how sunken her eyes were, how much of a ghost she looked like.  And I couldn't do anything about it.  But the part that really scared me was the talk.  Because I cried after it. When that lady came, I thought of Sophie.  And it scared me so much, because I thought what if that happens to her?  Will I just have to sit idly by and watch her starve herself to the point that she's not a person anymore?  And I don't ever want that to happen to her.

I also don't want to her to have to make a hard decision.  I don't her to grow up, because I don't want to lose that baby.  The baby that sat on the couch and watched dance moms with me, the baby that wore the blue pikachu shirt, the baby that cuddled up with her night night and monsters inc video, the baby whose eyes I looked into on the first day she was alive, the baby who i gave the purple elephant to, the baby who i whispered to and said, "You're my sister."  The baby who I love more than anything else.

Because that is the way I'll always remember her.  No matter what happens.  And I can't wait to see how she'll turn out.  Because it will be more brilliant than anything, anyone, or anybody.  And that I'm sure of.



"If it's a friend you need, let it be me, let it be me."

Stay

This is the pattern I follow when writing a post for this blog. Find a song that speaks to how i'm feeling, or how I want to feel. Press play, turn up the volume. Repeat. I guess I like to hear other people be inspirational, so that don't have to do it myself.  I can't find the words, when I really and truly need them.  And that sucks.  Because I love to talk, but most of what I say has no substance.

But I also want to mean something to people.  Because one can't go through life without anyone. Misery loves company, and so do I.  But when I say something I really mean, it always worries me.  You can be sure of very little in your life.  Especially other people.  You can't ever really and truly predict what someone might say or do.  And putting yourself out there is scary, because it means you are vulnerable.  It means you could open doors, it means you could shut doors.  It means you could be hurt. And it feels like I've been hurt enough to last a lifetime.  So I want to stop rarely putting myself out there.

It's really hard for me to be close to people, anyways.  I feel like I have to keep them at a distance, because the second I let them in, they'll let me down.  And I'll be hurt. Again.  I can't simply tell someone how I really and truly feel because that means they'l really know me.  And they might not like me.  Which I somehow can't accept.  Because I really do care what other people think.  I really do.

But I can't stay this way forever.  Because if I do, I'll end up alone, which is the exact thing I'm trying to avoid by distancing myself.  And then the loneliness would kill me.  I need to find my own voice.  And not just through the internet.  I need to find a real voice.  And I'm not really sure how to start that.  And I'm not really sure how it will end. But thats okay. And I will be just that-okay.


Because I need to start writing my own songs.  And not be afraid to sing them as loudly and as publicly as I want.

Because this isn't any way to go through life.

"Lately nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low"

"Funny you're the boken one, but I'm the only one who needed saving"

Help I'm Alive

I'm in love with the show Girls.  Totally and completely.  And I really just don't understand why.  Because it's not like I'm overwhelmingly like any of the characters.  And it's not like I'm a twenty-something who has sex a lot and has a job or gets really drunk and does cocaine.  Although I do have a small group of close friends, and we do get together like the characters do, It's not the same.

I want to feel it all. I want to experience, and live. I want to do amazing things, I want to feel love, and heartbreak. I want to feel shivasana and I want to feel free.  I want to have these experiences, that I can talk about to people, and I feel like only then will I really be a person, that my life will be justifiable. But how is that any way to live? Just so people can feel inferior and try to live vicariously through me? Am I really that kind of a person?  It makes me question everything I believe.  It makes me question everything I do, everything I feel.  Am I a real person?  The answer is simple: I have no idea.  Which actually isn't so simple at all. Which I guess nothing ever really is.

I feel this soul crushing loneliness though.  When I look back on the past few months, I can't find a day, or even a minute, where I was really and truly happy.  I'm really, really lonely.  I am fed up with the people at my school, I'm sick of school in general, I'm sick of snow and skiing.  I want to go somewhere warm and I want to stay there.  At least for a day or two.  I'd go crazy after that.  I'm probably write on this blog about how I want to be skiing.  I know, I'm a mercurial person.  Sorry.

I feel sick. I feel unhappy.  I feel stupid.  I feel intense emotions at all times.  I don't take things lightly.  At all.  And I'm kind of a bitch.  But I'm still lonely.  And I don't know what to do.


I can't help how I feel.


"Help I'm alive and my heart is beating like a hammer"