Help I'm Alive

I'm in love with the show Girls.  Totally and completely.  And I really just don't understand why.  Because it's not like I'm overwhelmingly like any of the characters.  And it's not like I'm a twenty-something who has sex a lot and has a job or gets really drunk and does cocaine.  Although I do have a small group of close friends, and we do get together like the characters do, It's not the same.

I want to feel it all. I want to experience, and live. I want to do amazing things, I want to feel love, and heartbreak. I want to feel shivasana and I want to feel free.  I want to have these experiences, that I can talk about to people, and I feel like only then will I really be a person, that my life will be justifiable. But how is that any way to live? Just so people can feel inferior and try to live vicariously through me? Am I really that kind of a person?  It makes me question everything I believe.  It makes me question everything I do, everything I feel.  Am I a real person?  The answer is simple: I have no idea.  Which actually isn't so simple at all. Which I guess nothing ever really is.

I feel this soul crushing loneliness though.  When I look back on the past few months, I can't find a day, or even a minute, where I was really and truly happy.  I'm really, really lonely.  I am fed up with the people at my school, I'm sick of school in general, I'm sick of snow and skiing.  I want to go somewhere warm and I want to stay there.  At least for a day or two.  I'd go crazy after that.  I'm probably write on this blog about how I want to be skiing.  I know, I'm a mercurial person.  Sorry.

I feel sick. I feel unhappy.  I feel stupid.  I feel intense emotions at all times.  I don't take things lightly.  At all.  And I'm kind of a bitch.  But I'm still lonely.  And I don't know what to do.


I can't help how I feel.


"Help I'm alive and my heart is beating like a hammer"