Stay

This is the pattern I follow when writing a post for this blog. Find a song that speaks to how i'm feeling, or how I want to feel. Press play, turn up the volume. Repeat. I guess I like to hear other people be inspirational, so that don't have to do it myself.  I can't find the words, when I really and truly need them.  And that sucks.  Because I love to talk, but most of what I say has no substance.

But I also want to mean something to people.  Because one can't go through life without anyone. Misery loves company, and so do I.  But when I say something I really mean, it always worries me.  You can be sure of very little in your life.  Especially other people.  You can't ever really and truly predict what someone might say or do.  And putting yourself out there is scary, because it means you are vulnerable.  It means you could open doors, it means you could shut doors.  It means you could be hurt. And it feels like I've been hurt enough to last a lifetime.  So I want to stop rarely putting myself out there.

It's really hard for me to be close to people, anyways.  I feel like I have to keep them at a distance, because the second I let them in, they'll let me down.  And I'll be hurt. Again.  I can't simply tell someone how I really and truly feel because that means they'l really know me.  And they might not like me.  Which I somehow can't accept.  Because I really do care what other people think.  I really do.

But I can't stay this way forever.  Because if I do, I'll end up alone, which is the exact thing I'm trying to avoid by distancing myself.  And then the loneliness would kill me.  I need to find my own voice.  And not just through the internet.  I need to find a real voice.  And I'm not really sure how to start that.  And I'm not really sure how it will end. But thats okay. And I will be just that-okay.


Because I need to start writing my own songs.  And not be afraid to sing them as loudly and as publicly as I want.

Because this isn't any way to go through life.

"Lately nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low"

"Funny you're the boken one, but I'm the only one who needed saving"