Suck It and See

To Mother Nature:
This shit you are currently pulling is neither amusing nor remotely alright. Stop it right now.

To my borrowed Stuffed Turtle:
Keep Rockin' on, Solomon.

To Gabe:
I understand that you are a second semester senior, but do you really need to keep listening to obscene amounts of not very good rap?

To Rob:
Thirty miles an hour is never an acceptable speed.

To Katie:
I take better selfies than you. I'm just kidding I want your lips.

To Kara:
Yes, it really is too early to be alive.  Don't judge me.

To Liezl:
You only want me for my dress picking skills. I'm just kidding because remember, "I need you in my life, dear."

"Suck it and see you never know
Sit next to me before I go
Jigsaw women with horror movie shoes
Be cruel to me cause I'm a fool for you"

Moments Like These

Today and yesterday weren't so great, in terms of racing.  It was slalom and I detest slalom with such a passion.  But, as always, people save me from being a total drag.

Kara sang Carrie Underwood with me at top volume on two separate chairlift rides.  She also took the time to develop a special walk, and told me that we've known each other too long to not be ourselves around each other.  She put her arm around me when we were inspecting second run, and with a look of utter delight said, "We have to do that again dude!"  I can confidently say that she is one of the best friends I've ever had.

Eklutna and I power-walked it back to the hotel, talking about how much we appreciate our families.  Then at the end, she turned to me and said, "We really need to talk more.  This was really good."

Larkin gave me a hug.

We saw our old coach Beatty, and she told us to go to St. Lawrence for college so that she could see us every weekend.  She also said that she remembered he time with us as some of the best times in her life.

After I was done reminiscing about all of those, I told my mom I didn't really want anything for my birthday, and she look and me and said, "Katy you are so sweet."  And then we hugged, of course.

Its hard not to feel happy after moments like these.  And I can confidently say that no March slump has ever been more pleasant than this one.

Also this is amazing.

This is Just to Say

The way she was talking in her sleep
The delusions of grandeur which we keep
The hope they still hold, irrationally and inexcusably
The haze which now surrounds you
You aren't noticing, but I am

The memories we cherish
Which in reality hold deep secrets
The thin white film over his eyes
And the ball of cotton in your throat
You aren't noticing but I am

They said the water was so clear
But I could still see the bugs it contained
They said the dream was still alive
When I saw it crash and burn
You still aren't noticing
But I am


I wrote this poem last April and only now found it.  It's very depressing, so it obviously must have been written by me.  Okay, thats enough for one day. I'll go back to my decongestants.

Okay, now I'm done.

Week in Review

Quotes of the Week:

"Jennifer Garner just sat through that entire movie with her fucking patented sad complex. Get a life and stop worrying about Matthew McConaughey, he obviously doesn't give a shit about you because, 'he's his greatest hero' I mean honestly."-Anonymous

"I really just wanted to go on this lift for the ride.  Sure, it's like half an hour and super pointless because we could just catch a bus, but its super bouncy and fun."-I only earned annoyed glances from this, what can I say, I inspire.

As I was walking down the stairs, wincing from the soreness, Alissa looked up at me and was like, "Feel you on that one girl."  She then proceeded to walk up the stairs, grimacing.

There was a significant dump of powder this week, and I got two powder days out of it, and one missed day of school because my mother looked at me and was all, "I'm not driving you in, so either you find your own ride, or you deal."  As you can tell, I fought hard to get to school, but ended up having my SAT tutor come to my house for an hour and then watching Netflix all day.  It was tough.

That same SAT tutor came today with no shoes.  He looked at his feet, looked at me, and then said, "Its been a long week."  I laughed, and then said, "Tell me about it."

Frank Ocean is my spirit animal.  I also want to marry him.  Can you marry your spirit animal?

I'm sorry that this post has nothing of substance in it.   I'm about to pass out so I'll blame it on my sleep deprivation.

Bells on a Hill

If you didn't already know, my past few years were kind of rough.  I went through some serious personal and psychological problems, and I kind of lost sight of what the greater reward would be.  If I look back even six months, I couldn't even remember what happy felt like. For so long I was so sick, I was tired.  I was depressed and anxious and angry as hell at the world for making me that way.  I couldn't stop fighting with my friends and parents, and I hated myself.  In short-it was a very long and very painful time in my life.

This year has been a bit different.  From about, November or so on, I've been okay.  I mean, there were some tough spots, there always are, and still continue to be.  And it isn't like nothing bad happened in these past few months, because it did.  But it was almost like I was a thousand times more prepared to cope with it than I've ever been.

In the beginning of November was not a very good time, I'm not going to lie.  There were some things that were just really terrible and unfair, and I kind of broke down a little.  But they steadily got better, starting with an isolated Colorado trip complete with snow capture the flag, and Doctor Who Thanksgiving.  And from there they slowly improved.  I slowly, but surely, became much better friends with all of the girls in my group, including a girl who used to be my mortal enemy.  We're friends now.  It's cool.  My skiing got better, has continued to get better.  My grades, my sleepless nights, my anxiety and stress and the tightly wound ball just waiting to burst open that I'd become slowly started to unwind.  And although I'm not done unwinding, I can see the light after a very, very long tunnel.

It's nice. I don't think most things in my life have ever been this good at once.  Like ever.  I didn't ever think I'd get to this point in my life.  I was just so tired of things continuing to be the same way they'd been, the same awful they'd been.  I couldn't see the light at the end, I didn't even believe there was a light at the end.  I am really glad there was.

Even as I sit here with a cracked rib and scratched and swollen face, I'm optimistic about the future.  I'm optimistic about my next race on monday, about the SATs this saturday, about vacation in April.  I'm optimistic for tomorrow when Kara comes home and I'm optimistic about seeing what my life becomes in general.  Although, physically, I may seem a little broken at the moment (I won't even take the time to list my various injuries over the year) I am most certainly not mentally broken.  And this may be a bit  egotistical, but I'm pretty damn proud that I made it out of those deep and dark woods I was in.

But the best thing about getting here is that I was reminded of how many people love me, and how much I wanted to be okay.  For so long all I can remember was wanting, desperately, everything to be okay.  And, now that it is, I finally understand why we, as human beings have to be put through all this hell.

The reason, or at least my reason, being we would never get to truly see the beauty of life if we didn't also understand how awful it could be.

And also, thank you to everyone who put up with me over the past few years.  It means a lot.

"There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No, I never heard them at all

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No, I never saw them at all

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows
Of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No, I never heard it at all
Till there was you"