Bells on a Hill

If you didn't already know, my past few years were kind of rough.  I went through some serious personal and psychological problems, and I kind of lost sight of what the greater reward would be.  If I look back even six months, I couldn't even remember what happy felt like. For so long I was so sick, I was tired.  I was depressed and anxious and angry as hell at the world for making me that way.  I couldn't stop fighting with my friends and parents, and I hated myself.  In short-it was a very long and very painful time in my life.

This year has been a bit different.  From about, November or so on, I've been okay.  I mean, there were some tough spots, there always are, and still continue to be.  And it isn't like nothing bad happened in these past few months, because it did.  But it was almost like I was a thousand times more prepared to cope with it than I've ever been.

In the beginning of November was not a very good time, I'm not going to lie.  There were some things that were just really terrible and unfair, and I kind of broke down a little.  But they steadily got better, starting with an isolated Colorado trip complete with snow capture the flag, and Doctor Who Thanksgiving.  And from there they slowly improved.  I slowly, but surely, became much better friends with all of the girls in my group, including a girl who used to be my mortal enemy.  We're friends now.  It's cool.  My skiing got better, has continued to get better.  My grades, my sleepless nights, my anxiety and stress and the tightly wound ball just waiting to burst open that I'd become slowly started to unwind.  And although I'm not done unwinding, I can see the light after a very, very long tunnel.

It's nice. I don't think most things in my life have ever been this good at once.  Like ever.  I didn't ever think I'd get to this point in my life.  I was just so tired of things continuing to be the same way they'd been, the same awful they'd been.  I couldn't see the light at the end, I didn't even believe there was a light at the end.  I am really glad there was.

Even as I sit here with a cracked rib and scratched and swollen face, I'm optimistic about the future.  I'm optimistic about my next race on monday, about the SATs this saturday, about vacation in April.  I'm optimistic for tomorrow when Kara comes home and I'm optimistic about seeing what my life becomes in general.  Although, physically, I may seem a little broken at the moment (I won't even take the time to list my various injuries over the year) I am most certainly not mentally broken.  And this may be a bit  egotistical, but I'm pretty damn proud that I made it out of those deep and dark woods I was in.

But the best thing about getting here is that I was reminded of how many people love me, and how much I wanted to be okay.  For so long all I can remember was wanting, desperately, everything to be okay.  And, now that it is, I finally understand why we, as human beings have to be put through all this hell.

The reason, or at least my reason, being we would never get to truly see the beauty of life if we didn't also understand how awful it could be.

And also, thank you to everyone who put up with me over the past few years.  It means a lot.

"There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No, I never heard them at all

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No, I never saw them at all

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows
Of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No, I never heard it at all
Till there was you"