The Chase Is On

Recently, I fell in love with a certain rapper (I shall not divulge HOODIE ALLEN who) and his video The Chase Is On, mostly because a certain actress (i shall also not SOFIA BLACK D'ELIA divulge who) is in it, and they are adorable.  But also because the song holds much more than just a rapper pursuing a pretty girl.  It means so much more to me, because right now,  I'm in the middle of an intense chase. Running up the mountain, biking, the endless strength sessions, the endless road running, and ALL of the schoolwork.  I am chasing a dream, and fighting hard to keep it.  And it's unbelievably scary.  Because while college is still years away (but only two!) the thought of it keeps me up at night, way later than it should.  I am so worried that I won't get into any good colleges, that I will end up going to a terrible school, and I'll have to face my parents, and give me the look I hate, the pity look.  I hate hate hate that look more than anything, except catty girls, which I have more than an amply supply of.

But back to my pursuit.  I am chasing a better version of myself, so close in my reach, so that the working out, and dedication and the hope that I am carrying have all been for something.  Because if they haven't, honestly I would probably lose myself in a world of drugs and alcohol, so that the pain would go away.  I have actually been tempted to do this many times, just to make the pain go away.  But the typical prude I am, I didn't.  Because what would come then?  Getting knocked up, getting aids, or selling myself into prostitution, or even worse, becoming a drug dealer?  That would depress me even more, and I'd probably kill myself.  But I am getting way ahead of myself.  Sometimes I imagine that I am all grown up, in a big house with a loving husband and healthy children.  I am a powerful person, having graduated from a prestigious university, and my children are good people, as are my husband and myself.  We grow old together and are happy.  But what if I don't ever find love, and grow old, having gone to a terrible college, and have no friends and only cats?  So while I may not be, in reality chasing a good husband, theoretically I am.  At least in my mind.  I'm crazy, I know.


"I'll be makin' good on my promises,
Honesty is confidence
Lot of it is missin' but i realize
I could be better than i was
Lighter on my feet
Cookin up this soul when we fire up the beat
Light the fire underneath me, higher when i speak
Like im climbin up a steep tree"- HA




just cause i love it so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZunGEL-jD-Y