It's an ok week. Sammi and I discussed this on the chairlift, how nothing was superb, but nothing was truly awful, and it really hasn't been truly awful for a while, which is really good because it gives me hope for the future that is every day getting closer. It's been peaceful, these past few weeks. I've been bathing in that warm glow that accompanies ok times. Occasionally the bubble will falter a little, and the gold that shimmers around me will have a bit more of a dingy shine, and then the bubble will close once again, and my existence will be righted.
A lot of this has to do with the love I'm feeling. It's been a few weeks of love (or Whole Love, as Wilco so elegantly put it, damn them), a few weeks of easy times and good food and good people. Sure, there's homework and SATs and skiing and the alarmingly small amount of snow that is rapidly fading here in Vermont, but there are always unsavory things in one's life that remind them how good the good things are. I've felt the urge to write much more, and the words just seem to flow onto the paper. As I said, good times people, good times.
Anyways this golden bubble I've been captured in has, in it's own convoluted and muddled way, given way to a few realizations. The first, and most important being that I am too self-involved in myself to get involved in another person. Watching someone get involved with someone else, watching them falling in love, is actually awesome. It just gives you so much hope about everything. But, there's no way in hell, at this particular juncture in my life, that I could do that. Sure, I know that I love my friends and I love my family and all the people that help me get through the day, but I'm not in love with any of them, and there is no way that I could be. This seems totally, totally egocentric doesn't it. Okay, well bear with me.
This fact really doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I'm young, I have an entire life ahead of me and love isn't exactly something I need to be worrying about right now, i mean, like isn't even something I need to worry about. And sure, my friends boyfriend will once in a while do something that I can't help feeling jealous of. I'm human people, give me a break here. But on the whole, i feel like other people just complicate things in a way that can never be fully righted.
Moreover, isn't it just safer and more beneficial to one's health to stay away from love? I mean, when one of my friends was first in love, she forgot to eat for like a full week. Just completely forgot. Her head was completely in the clouds, far far away from reality. That's absolutely petrifying for me. I can't trust other people, I can't ever tell other people how I really feel, and for the most part I don't want to.
The analogy I have is this. It's super easy to cry when your alone on the chairlift and are just having a super shitty week right? But it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to cry in front of other people. Like that time I cried to Toby, I had been having just about the worst day of my life, and on top of that, I had to worry about my little sister and her feelings and her eating habits. It was too much for me, and so when he asked me how I was, I just dissolved into tears. I had no control over it. At all. But after that, I was really worried that he would think I was weak or unworthy or whatever, and he didn't. Of course, I'd been overreacting as I am so frequently known to do. That isn't the point.
The point is that my first reaction, after being completely vulnerable and open in front of someone, was fright. I was genuinely afraid and upset that he had seen me in that state, because I don't like being vulnerable in front of other people. Vulnerability is a word I make a point to stay far, far away from. This is because I'm petrified of showing myself to someone else, because when people put things in others trust, those things most likely get ruined, or ripped or stained. And that isn't something I'm comfortable with. At least not yet.
"Alone we stand, together we fall apart."
"Now you're all alone, wondering where the 'she left already' are now."
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