Landfill

Its the first day. The first day of her life, of this new life, different from the one where you and Gabe were the only ones who matter, where yogurt trips come first and Lotus comes second. This is the day she will be here, the one you named. She will come in, red-faced, purple, and swaddled in white. And your mother will hold her close on the big white bed, and you'll look at her and give her a purple elephant, purple to match her. And you'll be scared.

And life goes on. This new life, where Mama is not there, where you can hear your once-resilient mother crying in the other room. Where the baby cries upstairs and Brona takes care of her and Julia picks you up and takes you away from the house that was once filled with happiness.

You cling to Gabe, cling to the life you once had. You hope by clinging it will get better.

Your Mama stops crying and Brona leaves and when Julia comes, she picks you up but doesn't leave the house.  And your daddy breaks the stove, but he tells you he loves you and that you are going on an adventure, and you pack up and leave. And you go to Vermont because thats what your daddy told you to do.

The crying baby has become a crying girl, a hateful girl who throws and hits and kicks. You hope she will get better. Your father, no longer daddy, says she will get better. Mama says she will get better. But the big brown eyes of your brother say something different.  You hold on to her, you want her to love you the way you love her, a love that transcends this world and goes beyond reason, a love you don't understand and never will.

As she grows bigger and you grow bigger she changes.  The kicks, the hits, the bites become words. And the words hurt more than the kicks ever did.  And still she grows and they hurt more and for once, you want to fight back, to explain to her that she can't, because you want her to be liked, you want her to be untouched by the world. You want there to be a blanket of clouds around her and never have the world hurt her the way its hurt you.

You fight back when she spears you.  And you hear the all too familiar "Why can't you get along?" "Why can't you two be friends." "Why don't you love your sister?" And you scream, and scream, scream that you love her, that you've always loved her, that all you've ever done is love her, but nobody hears because your screaming has turned into tears on a pillow in the dead of night, quiet as a mouse.

She grows even bigger and more venomous with each day. And you try so hard to explain why she mustn't do those things anymore, why she will get hurt if she does. And she doesn't listen because she never listens because she is who she is and you shouldn't try to change her. And you want her to change, because you love her so much, because you want her to always be the baby with the purple elephant, the one who came into this world purple and red all over, the one who hadn't been hurt yet.

People talk to you about her. They whisper, they joke. Their words hurt, just like she does, but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that eats away at you like a hot iron fire poker.  And you laugh and you smile and you pretend everything is alright, because thats all you've ever done; pretend everything is alright when inside you are drowning. You never tell anyone how much it hurts when they say those things about the girl you love so much.  Who would it help if you said those hurtful things that bubbled in your mind? Then you would be no better than her, when she hurts you.

And despite all these things, you know you are hurting her as well.  And you've tried so hard not to.  You know she hates you and it kills you inside, and every day it eats away at you more and more until you feel as though you've been swallowed whole by a whale.

You hope this isn't the end. But you know it is.  And you think back on the whole thing and you wish she'd listened to you because you wanted to keep her safe, to shrink her and put her in your pocket and never let her leave.  You wanted her to believe in Santa Claus forever because she would have been so happy and her being happy is all you've ever dreamed of.

And the life ahead of her scares you, whats in store for her scares you.  Because you will be gone in a year and a half, and then she won't have you, even though she doesn't want you now.  And all you've ever wanted is her to want you.

And still she hurts you.  Her life hurts you, her actions and failures and sadnesses gouge deep wounds into you.

The words she has become so accustomed to slinging at you. They hurt, a hurt that is now deep and old and familiar.

And still you love her. What else could you do?

"'Cause this is torturous electricity
Between both of us and this is
Dangerous 'cause I love you so much
But I hate your guts
I hate you"