Beware

It's the week from hell.  The one I, without fail, know is coming yet somehow manage to not plan accordingly for.  I'm tired, I'm sick.  I have to get onstage in front of a bunch of people in a mere matter of days (as in Thursday) and somehow embody this styrofoam dragon, that at the moment, closely resembles a rotisserie chicken (sorry Nate, thanks for making this thing).  And I'm petrified.  On top of that, I did not do well on my history test, despite having studied for it, religiously, for about a week.  That goes to show my luck.  And I have homework and working out and other freaking people to worry about and it's killing me.  And I have to remember to eat on top of all that.  Life is overwhelming.

I miss the days when everything was so simple.  Nobody pressured you to do things you didn't want to do, and then didn't get mad at you when you didn't do said things.  If I wanted to do those things, I would do them.  Thats it.  And it doesn't mean I don't care about you if I don't want to do those things, it just means I don't want to do those things and that is the END of the discussion.  So you can deal.

I'm beginning to feel the familiar itch of last spring/winter.  Because for a while, I've been pretty good.  No meds, no anxiety attacks, not too many sleepless nights (a manageable amount), no frantic panic, no refusals to listen to anything, no hysterics, for a good few months.  I'm pretty proud of that.  But I'm terrified it's going to start again.  Like, absolutely petrified that I will find myself in the huge hole I was in at the end of the last school year, the one I've almost managed to dig myself out of.  And that this time, I'll let the dirt cover me completely, and unlike last time I won't want to get out.  I'll want to die.

I just hope that day never comes.

"You should beware beware beware."

"Nobody said it'd be easy, they knew it was rough
But, tough luck"