Hearbeat

I can't fall asleep, because my thoughts scream.  I can't be awake, because the world scares me. I Can't listen to music, because it all just makes me so sad.  Why does life have to be so sad? Why is it all so sad?

It feels like there isn't any place that's safe anymore.  Because of all the death in the last year, in the most recent times.  There have been school shootings, first graders killed, moviegoers killed, spectators killed, college kids and guards killed.  And it's different than death.  It's not the same.  Because people have killed a lot this year.  It feels like everywhere there is a masked man waiting with a gun, with a bomb.

I have this one dream that I'm walking down the bottom of the road where I used to live in Boston.  I'm ten, going to the grocery store for my mother.  I turn the corner, and A man is standing there.  He's dressed in all black, hood pulled partially over his face, wearing black aviators.  And then there's a sharp noise, and I feel a sharp pain in my stomach, and I fall, as he runs by me.  There is red, oh so much red it surrounds me.  And a woman is screaming in the background.  And then I look up at the blue sky, and finally, I wake up.

And I feel like, for a lot of people, that's been the year. Or the last two years.  Or even the last ten years.  Because a lot of people have been killed, have died.  And I know death is a part of life, but not like this. Not in this way.

And Nobody can tell me that there are safe places in the world, because it's not true. It's just not.

Because no place is safe anymore.


"I wanted you to know, whenever you are around my heartbeat, my heartbeat.
I wanted you to know whenever you are around, I can't speak, I can't speak."


"Am I still alive, or has my life gone by? I've got to die, I've got to die.
I've got to die."