Who We Are

As a child, I was not fond of confrontation.  I was the kid to quietly do what I wanted when I was told to do something else.  I was independent and I was not going to change my mind unless you gave me some very solid proof that it would work for me.  I was extremely stubborn and I was selfish and I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. The thing about my early years, though, is that nobody understood how strong-willed I really was.  Because I was never, ever vocal about it.  Like I said, I was not fond of confrontation.  I still am not fond of confrontation.  So when I finally found my voice in maybe eighth or ninth grade, everyone was surprised at this strong-willed little girl who seemingly crawled out of the woodwork.  But at that point in my life, I was done.  I wanted to be heard, and dammit I was going to be.

Many of those qualities I know I have inherited from my father, as much as I didn't want to.  My father, who once stomped on the floor so hard he broke the oven.  My father, who taught me how to tie my shoes and to strum "Smoke on the Water" on the guitar.  My father who writes me a letter on every one of my birthdays.  My father who at one point thought I didn't love him, and thus, stopped writing me letters for one year.  My father who apologized for not being able to give me an atlas at how to live my life. My father who continually tells me how proud he is of me.

Every time anything momentous or bad or just plain surprising happens, he sits me down for a talk and tries to explain to me how he feels and how he thinks I should feel. And I hate those talks because I would rather partake in the conversation than nod and say, "Yep, uh huh" about a million times, but when we do have good conversations, they are so good.

As much as I tried not to be, I am my father.  I fold my hands like him, I am stubborn and strong-willed and believe that I know what is best, at least for me. I like to be in charge.  I get that same expression when I'm annoyed, that same expression when I know I'm right.  We talk, and you can just tell that we are on the exact same wavelength.

And when I was little I spent so much time promising myself that I would be different, I would not become my father. I did not become my mother in any realm of possibility.  And once she said, with a hint of jealousy, "You are so much like him.  Gabe and Sophie are a lot like me, but you are almost all him."  When my mother and I fight, it sounds exactly like when she and my father fight.  And I blame them for a lot of things.  But I'm not ashamed of the fact that I am so alike to my father.

My father, one of the scariest people I've ever met. My father, probably the most decent and caring and loving and passionate person I've ever run into.  My father, who loves me so much he gets up at five am every morning to work so that I can go to the school I do.  My dad.

And I'm glad I turned out like him.  He's a good person, through it all, and I like to think I've inherited that.

"We all stand in the mountainous shadow of our own mortality, so get the most of what you can while you can."

"I'm really glad you've pulled yourself up by your own bootstraps and have turned into the incredible person you are.  And I like to think I've had a little to do with that.  And I know you don't want to hear this, but you are the best parts of me, kiddo."

"I love you no matter what. Always remember that."
After he said that, I looked at him, and I promised to remember it.  And I always will.