Sarcasm Should Have Been My Middle Name

Alright people, moment of truth.  I will tell you my middle name, but you have to promise not to laugh, got it? Okay, so my middle name is Mosher (pronounced with a hard 'sh' sound that really sounds more like a z).  My full name is Katharine Mosher Rosen.  Here is a great area in which my parents failed me because my middle name should most certainly have been sarcasm.  Why, you ask?

Well I feel like if sarcasm had been my middle name, it would have been a bit like a warning, say, like the itunes terms and acceptances, where you have a vague idea of what you are getting into.  And then, once you've "sworn" (haha funny joke itunes) that you have read the terms and acceptances, and you actually start using the product, you get b****h-slapped.  But in this case, I would be the one doing the slapping.  If you haven't caught on yet, I'm the most sarcastic person I've ever met and considering who a large majority of my friends are, this is an accomplishment.  Hold your applause, everyone.

Most of the time, I can't help myself.  I just have to say the thing thats pops in my mind (which is always slightly rude) as a response to, well, everything.  I have perfected the sarcasm voice, and the look to go along with it.  If you don't know me, and I say one of these sarcastic things, I apologize in advance for almost certainly offending you.

A few of my favorite phrases:
-I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not 
-I don't know whether I should laugh at you or pity you
-when someone says something like, "Do I look bad in this dress?",  my response is almost always yes.
-I'll alert the media

I should be branded with a sign saying: Warning- If you are sensitive please go away. I feel like that would have saved a lot of people and myself from awkward/potentially hurtful situations.  At this point in my life, I've learned to curb it in front of people who I need to curb it in front of (like the lady at the desk at the Hamilton admissions office who asked, "oooh, a Vermonter.  Oh your the girl from the ski academy! So you must like to ski?"  I had to restrain myself from saying that I was much more fond of wrangling unicorns and jumping rope.  Somehow I don't think that would have gone well...)  But in general, I've given up curbing it because I just enjoy using it too much. 

And with that, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes ever:
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”


If you know you said this, major brownie points for you. Also, lets be friends.