I am, I am, I am.

I've never understood love.  I didn't even believe in love for the longest time and when I told a certain friend of mine that, he looked at me like I'd sprouted a third eye and said, "Katy, it's always something."  He doesn't mean that unkindly but for a while, I was really mad at him.  I mean it's true- there always is something because that's life, or at least that's the one I'm living. But while I was mad at him I thought about it and I went back to ask him what he really meant.

He laughed.  "Is that what you've been so annoyed at me about? Jesus, just tell me.  It's not like I was trying to offend you."  I grinned at him sheepishly because I tend to overreact at things like that and I am always mad at him for one reason or another and he shrugs it off in that good-natured way, which early on I learned from my brother was an absolute necessity for qualities in another person.

But anyways, he went on about it.  "I just mean that there's always going to be something.  At one point you won't believe in love and then the next thing will be a huge panic attack or you'll go through a bout of depression or something.  There's always something and that's kind of the world.  It isn't consistent." And I told him that I didn't believe in love just because I was having a bad week or a bad month, I just didn't believe in love and there wasn't a specific reason behind it.

He laughed again.  "Love is when another person has a lot of faults but you like them enough to get past those faults and then you realize those faults are what make them worth liking in the first place.  Yeah, it's sappy as hell, but it's true."  I'm not sure he's right, but I got what he was going for.  

And it's weird, the fact that people try to define this great big emotion that is so lusted after.  It's almost like trying to cage this wild animal you know is never meant to be caged.  It's weird that people are so eager to fall in love and open themselves up to this entire world of emotional pain.

I'm not into that at the moment and whenever someone asks about my love life I tell them I'm in a passionate affair with myself and that because I'm such a handful, I don't think I'm ready for anything else at the moment.  I'm exhausting.  It's not that I don't ever want to be in love or whatever emotion love is- it's that I have other things going on and I'm seventeen and life is just so big right now.  There are poems that need to be written and destinations to be explored, music festivals to attend and wild summers to be had.  I know that was probably the most cliche thing ever to come out of my mind but this entire post is cliche and at this point I'm beyond caring.

Love is something big and exciting and something interesting- it's something to look forward to, not something for me to obsess over at this particular junction in my life, when I'm not quite yet an adult but I'm no longer a child, except for those nights I cuddle up to my mom in her big bed and she tells me that everything will be ok.

It was my parent's 24th anniversary yesterday and both of them forgot but it didn't matter.  Once my mom remembered, she went out and got a cake and flowers and a card and some stuff to make dinner and most people in the house helped in some way to make dinner and we had champagne and we didn't need to celebrate or even dwell on the fact that literally almost every year my parents forget their anniversary.  

No, we just sat down, and we had dinner and we just were.  And maybe that's what love is.

"And I'm on my way,
I don't know where I'm going.
I'm on my way I'm taking my time
But I don't know where
Goodbye to Rosie, the queen of Corona.
See you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard."