Trojans

So, In one of my previous posts, I said I was going to try and be funnier, or light-hearted or whatever.  Well, sorry.  I lied.  But, I realized that you can't force yourself to be happy, no matter how much you desperately want to.  Because there is always that little nagging feeling in the bottom of your stomach.

Lately, like in the past few months, I've been feeling damaged.  Like, everything needs to be a certain way, and when it isn't, it makes me really angry.  And I know I have a temper, I know that, but this is different.  I see red, pure red.  And then other times, I really can't handle the world.  And I just feel so insecure, and helpless about everything.  The fact that my parents are making me go to a therapist really doesn't do anything to stop the little voice in my head telling me that I'm not normal.  Well- not that I'm not normal, because there really isn't anyone who is just "normal" whatever that is- but that there is something really and truly wrong with me.

And it's not this bullshit teenager finding yourself stuff that most people go through.  It feels like more.  I know it's more.  I hope it's not more.

But I just have to make it through the year.  I have three weeks or so left of school, and if I can just make it through that, I'll be okay.  At least that's what I keep telling myself at three o'clock in the morning when I've been up for the past five hours.  Because that's been happening a lot more frequently than I would like to admit.  I used to just not tell people, to pretend that everything is fine.  But now, I just don't care.  I feel so desperate, and so tired.

I'm scared of what the therapist will say.  I'm scared of what my friends will say.  I'm scared of what my parents, my siblings will say.  I'm scared of what the mean kids at school will say.  I'm scared of growing up, of leaving home, of going to a bad college, of failing school and the SAT's.

Because the reality is, everything is not fine. In fact- it's probably the farthest from fine it's ever been.  Including that period in eighth grade where I wanted to kill myself.  This is worse.

So I hope that, sometime soon, I will feel fine.  At least I hope I will. I really hope I will.  Because I want the sleepless nights to stop more than anything.  I just want to sleep, to be able to feel again.  I just want that picture of a smiling little kid again.

That's all I want.  I want myself back.

"regardless
The walls get painted anyway
Oh you're guarding
The gates, but it all got away
Your trojan's in my head"

"Underneath this fragile frame

Lives a battle between pride and shame
But I've misplaced that sense of fright
This crown of thorns is perched atop my spine
But listen closely as I testify
Dependency has been a thief at night
Thief at night, thief at night"