Damages

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.”  That’s a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, for all of you wondering.  This line probably holds the most truth for me, because recently, or maybe in the last like five years I’ve been on a really long, never-ending rollercoaster of change.  And I’m sure it’s one rollercoaster that a lot of teenagers, and even adults are familiar with. 

But anyways, in the last five years life has switched from just plain sucking, to being okay, to sucking again, to being really good, then to sucking, then to being okay (for real, there have been a lot more switch-ups then that, but I felt I was being too repetitive).   And recently, talking to my therapist, we were discussing how, in the Perks of Being a Wallflower, everyone was damaged.  Like, everyone in that book was so screwed up it was unreal.  Except for maybe the teacher.  And then, I said how lately, I’d been feeling a lot like that bundle of bananas that got all brown and nobody wants.  In short- I’d been feeling like damaged goods.  And my therapist said, “Well, that’s perfectly natural.  Katy, in some ways, everybody is damaged.  It’s doesn’t matter the degree, but, not a person from this world makes it out without a few scars.”  

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right.  There are so many ways to screw up a kid, or even a person.  Like, in the book, Charlie is really messed up because his aunt molested him.  Patrick is messed up because he can’t get over Brad.  Brad is messed up because he can’t accept himself.  Charlie’s sister is messed up because she lets her boyfriend hit her.  Charlie’s brother is messed because he cheats on his girlfriend.  And even Sam, the one who seems like she is the only one who knows anything in this entire book, is messed up, because “We only accept the love we think we deserve.”  And Sam doesn’t really think she deserves much. 

And everyone in real life is damaged too.  Like, my friend lets her dad bully her because she is afraid of him.  Some family I know really only pays attention to one of their children.  Even my best friend has a hard time realizing that she is more than worthy of love. 

So, compared to the world, I realize I don’t have it so bad.  I was bullied in eighth grade, but that’s over now.  I’m not exactly grateful for it, but I wonder what I’d be like without it.  But it’s what made me start realizing who I want to be, and what I want out of life. 

As I’ve said before, I want to be a good person.  I want to be a writer, and I want to be loved.  I want to get so good at ski racing, that I’ll show the headmaster of  my school, and make him sorry for everything offhand remark he’s ever made.  I want to inspire people to do good things.  But, most of all, I just want to be a good person.

Because I realized that there are a lot of people that are really, really damaged, and are still really good people.  And if they can be good, then I kind of owe it to the world to be good, don’t I? 

“And I hope they are happy, I really hope they are.”

“This lullaby is only a few words


A simple run of chords


Quiet here in this spare room


But you can hear it, hear it


Wherever you may go


I will let you down


But this lullaby plays on”